How to Tell if Someone Hates You

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: May 31, 2022 References

In some cases, if someone feels a strong dislike for you, they make it clear, but often society might force them to try to hide it. Hate is a complicated emotion, and very often someone will hate it when you do something, but doesn't hate you. The following tips will help you determine if someone hates you, and help you act accordingly.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Reading The Signs

1
Pay attention to their eyes. A lot of things that are considered too rude to be said are often communicated using eyes. In fact, some of our emotions are written in the size of our pupils, something humans can't control. If someone is frustrated by having to talk to you, you can often find out by watching their eyes.
- Looking up and to the right is a sign of boredom.
- Pupils dilate (get bigger) when a person is interested, and will often decrease in size when someone becomes bored.^{[1]
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- Avoiding eye contact probably means they’re hiding something from you, that they don’t trust you, or are scared of you.^{[2]
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  Research source}
2
Notice extremes. Any extreme emotion can be a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. However, you should pay attention to extremes as compared to how this person usually behaves, not what you consider normal for yourself or your friends. Pay attention to:
- Tension and stiffness, especially in the shoulders
- Boredom and disinterest
- Being over the top or melodramatic
- The tone of their voice
- How quickly or slowly they respond ^{[3]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
EXPERT TIP

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach

Watch their body language for signs they don't like you. Someone who hates you won't lean in during conversations and won't be engaged in what they're doing with you. They'll often have their arms folded when they're around you.

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3
Watch for differences. People behave differently depending on how they feel about what they are saying or doing, and there are many subtle (and often subconscious) cues that can help differentiate how people feel about something they’re unwilling to discuss or will lie about. The basic idea of a polygraph test, also known as a lie detector, is in finding the tiny differences in how someone responds when they’re telling the truth as compared to when they’re lying.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Even if you can't use a machine to monitor the differences in someone's behavior, some easy cues that can help you tell if they hate you are:
- Anything that might suggest that they are lying or trying to mislead you. Look out for any sign of them trying to hide an emotion, as people often get emotional when they lie, and try to hide it.^{[5]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- How this person communicates with you vs. how they communicate with other people.
- How they act when you’re talking about something they need to pay attention to (for example work, if they are a co-worker) and when you bring up things that they don’t need to talk about with you.
- How they act when you have something they want vs. how they act the rest of the time. For example, if you are a good student in school, are they nice to you when they want help and mean the rest of the time? If this is the case, they probably don't like you.
- How they behave in different situations. If someone hates you, they will probably behave similarly towards you in most situations, unless there is another factor that forces them to pretend to like you. If they behave differently in different situations, perhaps there is another contributing factor, and their behavior has nothing to do with how they feel about you.
4
Don’t mistake other emotions for hatred. It can sometimes be hard to tell the difference between things like jealousy, shyness, fear and hatred. Some things to consider when deciding this are:
- Is the person quiet or shy in general?
- Do you have a position or possession they might want and be jealous of?
- Do you sometimes act pushy or demanding? Could they be scared of you or your reaction?
5
Notice how open they are with you. While everyone is different regarding how much about their personal life they share in various circumstances, if someone regularly withholds information from you that has to do with what you are doing together, then there is probably some issue between you.^{[6]
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Research source} It might not be hatred, and it might be as simple as forgetfulness on their part, but it is probably worth investigating why they aren’t being more forthright. Some things that should probably be shared are:
- Anything regarding a project you are working on together
- Information that clearly would help you do your job, or be happier
- Messages that someone else asked them to pass on to you

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Knowing What Signs are Important

1
Don’t take things personally. Keep an eye out, and see if this person is rude or seems bored with everyone they interact with. It might not be you at all, but just how they behave with everyone.
2
Look for trends. If someone has only met you once, or doesn’t usually act like they don’t like you, it’s probably nothing. Everyone has bad days, and bad days can make people grumpy and act mean. In order to be sure someone hates you, you should pay attention to how they behave over the long run rather than focusing on one or two individual events.
3
Don’t confuse thoughtlessness for hatred. Especially if the person you’re thinking about isn’t someone who knows you well, they might not be aware that what they are doing or saying is very upsetting to you. Some people have a great deal of difficulty understanding social cues, and may not understand your negative reaction to their behavior. Similarly, many people’s mouths are sometimes ahead of their brains, and this causes them to often say things which they later regret. An indicator of either of these is that they say hurtful things to many people. This isn’t a sign of hatred for you, it’s a sign that they have a social difficulty.
4
Pay attention to sources. If you've heard that someone hates you from someone else, consider how accurate their information might be. Ask them why they think the person hates you, and consider the reliability of their reasons. If they are known for gossiping and spreading discord, consider whether they might be telling you this to provoke excitement or whether they are trying to make things easier for everyone.
5
Watch your own behavior. If the person you think hates you acts mean only when you do something specific, consider that it might be your behavior and not you that they hate. Some things that might irritate or anger people are:
- Certain topics of conversation
- Language or symbols they might find offensive
- Humor that they might consider inappropriate
- Requests that they do or change something
- How you interact with others, especially their close friends or significant others
- Level of physical intimacy – for example, many people hug everyone they know, and others reserve this for a select few. They may be uncomfortable with how often or little you touch them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Along Anyway

1
Ask questions. If you’ve noticed that someone acts annoyed or angry when you interact with them, try kindly and gently asking them what it is that you’re doing to upset them. Making it clear that you’re just asking them for information and not asking them to change how they’re behaving helps avoid a confrontation. If you don't want to confront them personally, a note or a voice message can give them time to think about how they want to respond rather than reacting instinctively, which might be to defend themselves rather than solve the problem. Remember that even if you ask perfectly, they might still lash out at you, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Some example questions are:
- "You seem really down all the time, is there anything I can do to cheer you up/make things easier for you?”
- "I feel like you treat me differently than everyone else around here, why is that?”
- “I’ve noticed that you seem angry when _______, is there anything I can do to make your happier?”
- "Have I done anything to irritate you? I feel like you're angry with me and I don't understand why."
2
Try to see things from their point of view. Consider how you would react if someone treated you the way you treat them. Some possibilities to consider are:
- Might they feel like you are giving them an unfair workload?
- Do you express when you are annoyed with them more than you express it when you're happy?
- Do you disagree with a lot of the things they say? Even if you try to hide your disagreement, they may still be picking up on the fact that you're hiding an emotion and not trust you.
3
Don’t get angry. Yelling or being rude never makes a bad situation go away. Keep your cool, and try to come to a compromise that you can both live with. Remember that you can’t make the other person talk to you in a reasonable way, and if they aren’t willing to work out your disagreement, there’s not much you can do apart from avoid them.
4
Be aware of being victimized. Some people who are unhappy take out their anger on people who might be totally unrelated to the source of their unhappiness. It can be very difficult to tell whether someone hates you or is using you to vent their frustration, but in either case, it can help to stand up for yourself, and not be an easy target. When you are put down, keep your tone of voice neutral and say something like:
- "That's a really mean thing to say."
- "Why would you say that?"
- "I'm sorry you don't like this dress, it happens to be my favorite." (or get really serious with something like "This was my mom's favorite dress. She died last year.")
- "I'm sorry that's upsetting to you, I didn't mean to annoy you."
5
Apologize, if you've done something to anger or upset someone. If you started the conflict, then they probably think it's your job to end it. Even if it was a long time ago, it's never too late to try to make up.