How to Tell Your Parents That You're in a Girl to Girl Relationship

Last Updated: March 11, 2023

If you're in a same-gender relationship and you want to tell your parents, navigating the conversation can be difficult, but being honest with your family has its own upsides.

Steps

1
Think, is there a reason you should not tell your parents? Telling them if you know they are homophobic is a whole other hurdle. You can use some roundabout conversational approaches to see if your fears are warranted.
- Bring up LGBTQ+ topics by saying something such as, "A girl in my friend's art class got kicked out for being a lesbian; what do you think of that?" If the answer is in favor of kicking her out, then beware that their reception to your honesty may be similar. Remember, your safety comes first, so think carefully about whether coming out will put you in danger.
- Ask for their opinions on LGBTQ issues and celebrities.
2
Make a plan B, in case they kick you out of the house. You will need to ask a friend or someone who you can trust. You need to have already come out and explain your situation to the person.

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3
Talk to your girlfriend about what might happen. Do her parents know she is with you? You will need to talk about what to do if your parents are not okay with this. You don't want your honesty with your parents to affect her, too, if she's not ready for that step. Make sure you tackle the issue as a couple, as well as individually with your respective families.
4
See if your parents are even okay with you dating. If they think you are too young to even date a boy, then you should not tell them that you're dating a girl.
5
Consider tackling each parent separately. Telling the most understanding one first may help. This could be your father or your mother. You will probably feel safer this way. It also means you can have someone on your side.
6
Tell them that you really like this girl, and that's not anyone's fault. This is where you can explain that being LGBTQ is not a choice, and they need to understand that.
7
Give them time. They may cry, scream, kick you out, be supportive, or shrug. There are many reactions; hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. If they react badly, go to your room or leave go to a friend's house.
- Remember—their initial reaction is not their forever reaction.
8
Break it to them slowly. Have a long conversation about topics centering around relationships and sexuality. This is so they can slowly take it in.
- Remind your parents that you are taking a risk by having this conversation with them, and explain that what you're doing is an act of trust.
- If the relationship has gotten to sex already, you may want to leave that out. Unless you have health concerns or need their help and advice in this area, talking to them about sex, on top of revealing your relationship, may be a lot for them to take in all in one conversation. That being said, if they ask and you feel the situation is right, try to be honest - it may help your relationship with them.
9
Accept yourself, no matter what happens. Don't let your parents weigh down on your sexuality and what relationships you want to have.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when your parents don't accept you?

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Remember that your parents' lack of acceptance has nothing to do with you and your inherent worth. Instead, find people in your life who will accept and celebrate you for who you are. Give your parents time and space as much as possible, and offer them opportunities to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities or to meet other parents who are further along in their acceptance journey.
Question

What do I do if my parents say no?

Community Answer

You should not worry. If your parents cannot accept you (which they should unless they're not very nice people), it is their problem. Do not feel ashamed. You're unique, so work it! Tell them you won't act any different and that you will still be their daughter; that should help to console them.
Question

How should I tell my mother that I'm a lesbian and I'm 13 years old?

Community Answer

Bring up the subject of lesbians a few times see how she reacts to it. If she reacts well you can tell her right then. If she reacts poorly, bring it up a few more times so she will get used to the word and what it is and after that you should tell her. In the end she's your mom and all she wants is for you to be happy.

Warnings

Do not come out if it is unsafe for you to do so.

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If your parents threaten you with actual harm or action, report to another trusted adult.

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