How Do You Tell Someone You Cheated in the Past? 8 Ways to be Clear and Honest

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 28, 2022

It's difficult to talk about your past with a new partner, but it has a way of coming up in new relationships. If you cheated in the past, you may be struggling to figure out how to share what happened, especially if you really like your new partner. Here are some tips on how to broach the subject with kindness and transparency.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

1

Wait until you've gotten to know them better.

Don't tell them on the first date. Instead, hold off until you spend more time together and start to open up about deeper subjects. The actual time that you wait depends on your relationship. You might feel close and comfortable a few weeks in, or you may want to wait a couple of months. Take it slow and wait until you're ready to share intimate details about your past.^{[2]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- If things are still fresh and you're in the early stages of getting to know each other, you don't need to tell them.
- Telling a new partner too early could make them nervous. They may not know you well enough to trust you or understand your point of view.
- If the subject comes up and your new partner asks, it's best to be honest and tell them.

2

Take responsibility for what happened.

It will reflect better on you if you are accountable. Tell your new partner what happened (in as much detail as you feel comfortable) and be honest. Be upfront about the fact that you made a mistake and that you are genuinely remorseful for the hurt you caused your ex-partner. Owning up to a mistake is a brave and admirable quality, and it could help your new partner trust you.^{[3]
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Research source}
- Try, "I was young and confused, and instead of being honest, I betrayed my ex's trust. I really am sorry for the way I handled that situation."
- Blaming your ex-partner could be seen as a red flag by the new person you're seeing.

3

Be honest about why it happened.

This can help give your new partner some context. Maybe you were really young and had never been in a serious relationship. Perhaps you were in a long-distance relationship that was not working. Give them some background on what led to the cheating. Just avoid blaming your ex-partner or giving too many intimate details that may make your new partner uncomfortable.^{[4]
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Research source}
- Say something like, "It was my first relationship, and I hadn't really learned how to be a good partner. I've really worked on myself since then."

4

Tell your partner what you learned from the experience.

Explain how the experience influenced your values going forward. Maybe you realized the importance of trust and transparency in relationships. Perhaps you learned the hard way how you want to treat people going forward. Showing that you learned from your past will make it easier for your new partner to trust you despite a past mistake.^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Try, "I realize now how much hurt cheating can cause someone. I'll never make that mistake again."

5

Share the work that you've done since then.

Make sure that they know it won't happen again. Tell them the commitment to honesty and integrity you've made in your life going forward. Maybe after your past experience, you promised yourself not to get into a serious relationship until you were ready to commit 100%. Perhaps you started doing some internal work on yourself to figure out what motivated you to cheat. Be upfront about the changes you've made to avoid cheating going forward.^{[6]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Refer to specific changes you've made in your life after the experience, like committing to complete transparency in all of your friendships and relationships.
- Your new partner will want to know that you've made an effort to change so that they can trust it won't happen to them.

6

Answer your new partner's questions.

This can help your new partner feel like they can still trust you. If they ask you how many times you've cheated in the past or if you think it'll ever happen again, be transparent and answer them. Of course, you don't have to give any information you're not comfortable with sharing. It just may help establish trust and open communication in your new relationship if you're willing to talk about the subject with them.^{[7]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- It's okay to pause the conversation if things get a little too heated or emotional. If it feels like your new partner is interrogating you or getting really upset, you can take a minute to collect yourself. This may benefit your new partner as well.
- Try saying, "I want to keep talking about this with you, but I think I need a minute to collect myself."

7

Reassure your partner if they need it.

This can be a tough thing to learn about a new partner. Give them extra support as they process this information. Ask them if they need anything from you. Let them know how much you care about them. Tell them that you won't make the same mistake again and follow that with your actions.^{[8]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Say something like, "I'm only telling you this because I want to be open and honest with you. This is a part of my past, but it's not who I am now."

8

Avoid oversharing.

You don't have to tell your new partner every detail. Talking too much about a past relationship with your new partner can make them uncomfortable or cause them to feel like you're not quite over what happened. Be upfront about your actions, but spare them a complete rundown of every moment that led to the cheating.^{[9]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Instead of sharing every detail, say, "I cheated in my past relationship, and it's a mistake I really regret. I learned a lot from the experience and now know the importance of trust and communication in a relationship."
- How much you share depends on the dynamics in your new relationship and your comfort level talking about the subject.