How to Tell Your Girlfriend You Need Space (Without Hurting Her Feelings)

Co-authored by Cristina Morara and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: March 17, 2022 References

Do you need more time and space to focus on yourself but are concerned about how your girlfriend will react? Whether you just started dating or are in a long-term relationship, you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting more space. Having space to focus on yourself and your other relationships is actually necessary for a healthy relationship. Fortunately, it’s possible to tell your girlfriend you need space in a nice, gentle way so she’s less likely to get upset. Keep reading for everything you need to know about bringing up the topic so your relationship stays strong.

1

Try dropping subtle hints at first.

Subtle hints might be all it takes for your girlfriend to give you more space. Try hanging out with friends without her more frequently or telling her you're going to run some errands on your own for the day. If she doesn't have a problem with it, you may not even need to have a full-blown conversation about space with her.^{[1]
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- “My friends and I were thinking about going away on a weekend trip. How’d you feel about that?”
- “It’s been a long day, so I’m just going to play video games by myself for a little while.”
- “I have some things I wanted to get done today. Why don’t you go ahead and run those errands without me.”

2

Tell her directly if she hasn’t caught on to your hints.

Being honest and direct will help your partner understand your needs immediately. If your partner seems a little resistant to you spending time alone or with others, it’s better to be straightforward and say that you need space.^{[2]
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Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2021.} You should feel comfortable expressing what you need to your partner and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting some time for yourself.^{[3]
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3

Be kind and gentle.

Keeping your cool makes you sound less accusatory toward your girlfriend. Even though you should be direct about wanting space, avoid blaming your girlfriend for how you’re feeling. Your girlfriend will have an easier time understanding your point of view if you stay calm and respectful throughout the entire conversation.^{[4]
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Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2021.} Wait to have the conversation at a quiet time when you’re both in a good mood so you’re more receptive to it.^{[5]
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- “I love seeing you right when I get home, but sometimes work stress makes it tough to have a nice conversation. I’d really appreciate having some me-time for a half-hour after work to help me decompress.”
- “I feel like we have such a strong relationship, and I love where we’re at. I’ve let some of my other friendships slip away in the meantime, so I’d really like to find more time to reconnect with them.”
- “You mean the world to me, and I feel that it’s important to have time to ourselves every now and then. I’m recognizing that I need a little bit more alone time to get back into my hobbies.”

4

Explain what you mean by “space.”

Tell your girlfriend exactly what you need from her so she isn't worried. Asking for space doesn’t mean that you want to break up or move on, so be sure to tell her that outright. Give your girlfriend details about what type of space you want, whether that’s alone time or more time to develop your other relationships.^{[6]
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- “When I say ‘space,’ I mean that I’d like to carve out more free time to focus on my hobbies.”
- “I’d like to have a few nights every now and then to go out and get to know my work colleagues.”
- “I need an hour or two of quiet time every day so I can read without getting distracted.”

5

Mention why getting space is important to you.

Your girlfriend will be more understanding if she knows why you need it. Everyone needs personal or emotional space for a different reason, so think about why you’re looking for a little more distance. Use “I” statements to describe how you feel since it puts more emphasis on your emotions and less on your partner.^{[7]
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- “I feel drained at the end of my work shift, so I just need a half hour to relax and unwind after. Is that something we can work on?”
- “I feel a little left out of the loop when I don’t get the chance to see my friends during the week.”
- “I feel like I don’t have a lot of creative energy unless I can brainstorm alone, so sometimes I need more space to work on a project.”

6

Reassure your girlfriend that she did nothing wrong.

She might be worried that she’s to blame. Your girlfriend might feel a little concerned that you’re asking for space, but remind her that it’s normal to have some time apart in a relationship. Tell her that it’s something that you’ve recognized that you need and not that she did anything to push you away.^{[8]
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Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2021.} Talk about the reason you need space and how it affects you so she understands better.^{[9]
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- “I’ve always been someone that needs alone time, so I’m not asking because of anything you’ve said or done.”
- “I’ve realized that my friendships are really important to me, and I haven’t put enough time into them.”
- “I put a lot of energy into my hobbies, and I just want to make sure I keep up with them so I can feel good about myself too.

7

Explain how space can help your relationship.

Your partner will be more open to the idea if you tell them the benefits. While your girlfriend might think asking for space means the end of the relationship, it can actually make your bond a lot stronger. When you have time apart, you’re actually able to miss each other and grow as individuals, which can make you both more interesting partners. Mention these to your girlfriend so she sees the good that can come from taking a little more time apart.^{[10]
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- “Just think, while I’m off doing my thing, you can finally have time to read through those books that you’ve been eyeing up lately.”
- “I know our friends are really important to us, so I want to make sure we maintain those connections too.”
- “If we’re not together all the time, think of all the fun stories we’ll have for each other the next time we see each other!”

8

Express your excitement for the time you spend together.

She’ll feel more secure knowing you want to have quality time with her. Your girlfriend might be concerned that you’re trying to push her away, but reassure that you still enjoy being with her. Tell her that you’re still looking forward to all the fun that you’ll have together and make plans so it doesn’t feel like you’re closing yourself off.^{[11]
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- “I just want to see my friend for a couple of hours, but I can’t wait to have dinner with you tonight!”
- “I really just need 30 minutes after I get home to relax, but after that, I’ll be there for you.”
- “I know I want to spend a lot of time working on this project this weekend, but let’s go out on a date this Saturday so we have time together.”

9

Tell her that you still care about her.

Your girlfriend will feel more secure when you affirm the relationship. If your girlfriend is worried that you’re trying to distance yourself from her, mention how much she means to you. Remind her that she’s an important part of your life and that you’re only asking for space to make your relationship stronger.^{[12]
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- “You’re still the only one I want to come home to at the end of the day.”
- “Even though I want more alone time, it’s only because I want to be the best I can be for you.”
- “I’ll still just be a text or phone call away if you need me.”

10

Answer any questions she has.

Clear up any confusion so you don’t have any miscommunication. Even if you explain everything clearly, your girlfriend might have a few more questions about your boundaries. Listen to what she has to say and think about your answers before responding to her. If she has concerns, work towards a compromise that works for you.^{[13]
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- If she asks about why you’re just bringing this up, say “Our relationship is getting more serious and I want to make sure we’re both happy and our needs are being met.”
- If she asks you for something you’re uncomfortable with, say “My personal space is really important to who I am. Is there any way we can work through this in a way that works for both of us?”
- If she wants to know how you’ll balance your time, try “What if we planned one night each week where I can see my friends without asking permission first? Would that work for you?”

11

Revisit the conversation if you need to.

You may need to ask for space again if you regularly need time for yourself. If you’re still not getting enough alone time or your girlfriend doesn’t listen to the boundaries you set, sit down with her and talk about how much space you need again. Gently remind her of the last conversation you had about what you need so it’s fresh in her mind.^{[14]
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- “I’ve felt a little overwhelmed again recently, so taking 20 minutes or so after work to unwind is really important to me right now.”
- “I feel like my boundaries aren’t respected when I ask for personal space recently. Can we talk about it for a bit?”
- “Can we chat again about personal space? I haven’t felt like I’ve been getting enough recently.”