How to Stop Obsessing over Someone Not Texting Back

Co-authored by Kim Chronister, PsyD and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: March 9, 2022

If you’re really excited to message a new crush, it can feel like forever waiting for them to get back to you. Even if you and the other person text back and forth non-stop, there could be a lot of reasons why they haven't responded yet. Rather than idly checking your phone anxiously awaiting your crush's reply, there’s so much you can do in the meantime to help you relax. Read on for a ton of different ways to stay distracted from your phone and keep your mind at ease!

1

Do an activity without your phone.

You’ll be more tempted to check your phone if you keep it nearby. Rather than waiting for your crush's message, set your phone down in a place where you can’t see it. Try to stay busy doing other activities, such as reading a chapter in a book, watching an episode of your favorite TV show, or playing a level in a video game. After you finish, check your phone again.
- If you still haven’t heard back, put your phone back down and keep doing something fun to stay distracted.
- Try checking your phone at set points throughout the day to reply to messages so you’re not stressing out waiting for a reply. For example, you might check your phone every 30 minutes.

2

Get some exercise.

Physical activity can help you feel less stressed out. Go outside and take a walk or go for a run if there’s nice weather. Otherwise, get your heart rate pumping by following an intense workout routine with a fitness app or on YouTube. Since you’re stimulating the rest of your body, it’ll help take your mind off of how you’re feeling so you’re less worried about why your crush hasn't replied yet.^{[1]
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- If you aren’t able to do a full exercise, you might even feel a little better by tightly squeezing your fists for a few seconds before releasing.

3

Reach out to other friends.

Chatting about something unrelated might take your mind off things. Message or call your best friend or another friend that's available and see if they want to talk. Try not to bring up your crush or anything related to what you sent them so you don’t start stressing out again. Instead, catch up on your friend’s day or nerd out about a different topic entirely so you can stay distracted. You might get so lost gabbing with them that your crush could send a message by the time you’re finished.
- Hang out with your friends in person if you can since you’re less likely to pull your phone out with other people around.

4

Try journaling.

Write down how you’re feeling to help you reflect on it. Jot down a few words about what's going through your head as you're waiting for your crush to text you back. Free-write whatever comes to mind, such as why you think you’re feeling a certain way or why you're excited to talk to your crush. By the time you’re done writing, you’ll probably have less anxiety and be more in tune with what really made you feel stressed out.
- Whenever you feel like you’re obsessing over someone you like not responding again, read what you wrote down in your journal to help you remember how you coped last time.

5

Repeat reaffirming statements.

Boost your mood with a few words of encouragement. If you’re feeling anxious or worried about your crush not replying, take a deep breath, try to recognize your good qualities, and say them out loud. Tell yourself that you control how you’re feeling and that you deserve the best! After hearing your voice, you’ll start to feel the stress melt away.
- Some things you could try saying are, “I’m in control of my feelings, and I choose to feel relaxed,” or “My crush wants to talk to me because I'm a fun person.”

6

Reconnect with your surroundings.

Pay attention to what’s happening around you rather than your thoughts. It’s really easy to get caught in your head thinking about why your crush hasn’t responded, so focus on the physical things around you. How does the air feel on your skin? What can you hear or smell nearby? By focusing on the details of everything around you, you can distract yourself from any anxious thoughts that come up while you’re waiting.^{[2]
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- For example, if you’re eating while you’re waiting for your crush, focus on eating slowly and really enjoying the flavors of your meal.

7

Recognize that the person might be busy.

Your crush might not be able to respond right away. If you know your crush is preoccupied with work, school, or another activity, there’s a chance they’re too caught up to check their phone or respond. Keep their schedule in mind when you’re messaging them, and don’t expect your crush to reach out when they’re already doing something else.

8

Appreciate the quality of their messages.

What your crush says is more important than how often they text. Even if it takes a while for them to respond, your crush might spend a lot of time trying to think of the perfect thing to say. Scroll back through your old messages to see how long and thought out their texts are. If your crush always takes the time to make you feel good and continue the conversation, it’s okay if they take a little bit longer in between replies.
- If your crush only responds with one-word messages or doesn’t put a lot of effort into the rest of the conversation, it might mean that they aren’t interested in chatting.

9

Assume they have good intentions.

Overanalyzing messages might make you misread the tone. Rather than jumping to conclusions about why your crush hasn’t texted you, give them the benefit of the doubt. There’s a real chance that the person got a little caught up with another task or that they really didn’t see your message. Try not to assume how the person feels based on the last message they sent since it can be really easy to misjudge how they’re actually feeling.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Since you can’t see or hear the person when you’re texting, you should only assume how someone is feeling if they explicitly say it.
- If you're feeling anxious about what your crush texted you, ask them directly about it rather than trying to read between the lines. For example, you could say, "I noticed we've been a bit distant lately. Is everything alright?"

10

Tell them how often you want to text.

Communicate your needs so your crush doesn’t leave you on read. Even though you might rely on texting, your crush may not like doing it as much. Talk openly about what you expect from your conversations so the other person knows that waiting for a text message gives you some anxiety. Give them a chance to talk too and listen to what they prefer so you can come to a solution that works for you.
- For example, you could say something like, "I try to reply within about 10 minutes after you send a message. Is that something you could do for me too?"
- You may have to compromise with your crush. For example, you may decide that your crush will reply throughout the day except between 10 PM and 8 AM. That way, you can go to sleep without waiting all night for a text.

11

Stop expecting a reply to every text.

Some texts don’t need replies, and that’s OK! When your crush leaves one of your messages on read, it may just mean that they’re not sure how to respond. Even though a text back can be really validating, you should still keep in mind how your crush felt when they read your text. Just because they never responded doesn’t mean they didn't appreciate what you said.^{[4]
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- For example, if you said, “You were on my mind today,” think about your crush smiling as they see your text rather than expecting a response back.
- Your crush might not respond if you’re communicating clear information. For example, if you message, “Come over around 7,” your crush may just show up without texting you back.
- If your crush repeatedly leaves you on read for days at a time or they ghost you completely, they might not be interested in a relationship. Move on and talk to people who put energy into your relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you stop obsessive thoughts?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Practice mindfulness meditation every day for a minimum of 15-20 minutes. Recognize when the obsessive thinking is happening and redirect your focus instead on what you're doing in the moment.
Question

How do I stop unwanted obsessive thoughts?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

The more you engage in obsessive thinking, the stronger it grows. Try to be active and create a nice flow to your day by doing activities that you enjoy—this can help you get out of your head and into your life.