How to Speak Confidently to Intimidating People

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 22, 2020 References Approved

Speaking to someone who intimidates you can be scary. Perhaps you are dealing with a domineering boss or have a classmate who can be a bit of a bully. Though ignoring them might seem like the easiest way out, we often have to speak to the people who we most want to avoid. Whatever your situation, you can learn to speak with confidence by boosting your self esteem, being assertive, and overcoming your feelings of intimidation.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Assertive

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Prepare to talk. Begin overcoming your nerves by planning out what you will say in advance. You might be anxious about an upcoming meeting with your boss about a project you are working on. Use your time at work wisely and ensure that you have met your deadlines, haven’t missed any details, or overlooked mistakes. Anticipate what questions your boss might ask and be prepared to answer them.^{[1]
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- You might even ask a coworker to look over your work so they can catch things you’ve missed.
2
Maintain eye contact. When you are nervous, you might find yourself looking down at the floor to avoid eye contact. But a confident person looks someone in the eye when they are speaking with them. Maintain your glance, but do not stare blankly. Nod your head, laugh and smile when appropriate.^{[2]
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3
Speak slowly. Your nervousness might also cause you to speak very fast or to stutter. Take a moment to slow down the pace. Think carefully on what you would like to say and then articulate that. Remember that you are in no rush to speak and that people will understand you better if you speak at a steady pace. ^{[3]
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- You might practice doing this by reading aloud to yourself or to others.
4
Mind your tone. In addition to speaking slowly, also mindful of the tone of your voice. Avoid speaking at a much higher pitch, or too quietly or loudly. Instead, use a voice that feels natural to you and noise appropriate for the setting.^{[4]
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- For instance, if you are at a tea party, you will want to keep your voice down. But, if you are at a concert, you will need to be much louder.
5
Smile. Even if you don’t feel confident, fake it until you make it. It has been proven that smiling, even when fake, is a mood booster. Before speaking, flash a quick smile at the person and then proceed. ^{[5]
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6
Maintain good posture. Avoid slouching, dragging your feet, and looking down at the floor. Instead, use your body to take up space and exude confidence. Sit straight up, either with your legs uncrossed or with your ankle resting upon your knee. When standing, stand straight with your feet slightly apart. Avoid crossing your arms.^{[6]
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- Give a nice, firm handshake when greeting someone in a professional setting.
7
Recover from mistakes. Perhaps you noticed that your voice has started shaking or that you made an awkward comment. Ask them a question that will take them a while to respond to and use this time to calm down. You can also excuse yourself to the restroom and splash some water on your face.
- You can ask them something like “So, I heard about your research with Dr. Johnson. Can you tell me a bit about it?”
- You can also say “Excuse me for a moment; I need to go to the restroom.”
8
Step away when necessary. If someone is becoming hostile with you, know that it is okay to walk away. You don’t deserve to be yelled at or spoken harshly to. Say “I will talk to you later when you are calmer” and walk away.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Overcoming the Intimidation

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Assess the source of intimidation. As humans, we are wired to overestimate threats and underestimate resources and opportunities. Though this can be helpful in times of actual danger, it can set us back when dealing with those who have domineering personalities. Rather than paying so much attention to what scares you, focus in more on what excites you or brings you joy. Use these experiences to boost your mood, build your confidence, and unravel your fears.^{[8]
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- For instance, rather than focusing on the one insult you received today, think on the five compliments you received yesterday.
- You should also consider whether the intimidation is part of their personality or culture and not specifically directed toward you.
2
List your similarities. You might find that you and this intimidating person have more in common than you realize. The more they are like you, the less about them you will have to fear. Take a second to think of all the ways that you are alike and use those as conversation starters with them in the future.
- For instance, perhaps you both like baseball, live in the same neighborhood, or like a certain television show.
3
Take several deep breaths. Before approaching them, you should also practice deep breathing. Deep breaths will help to calm you down so that you appear more confident. Slowly take a deep breath in through the nose, and then out through the mouth. Repeat until you feel totally calm.
4
Imagine them in a funny situation. Before you speak to them, imagine them in a funny costume or in some other funny situation. This will help you to feel more at ease with them and will also lighten your mood.
5
Practice speaking to those you don’t know. Work to build your social skills and interact with other potentially intimidating people by chatting with folks you don’t know. Take a moment to ask how the grocery clerk’s day is or spend a few moments chatting with a stranger on the bus.^{[9]
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Maintain professionalism. If the person who intimidates you is your boss, be sure to behave in a professionally. Avoid yelling or getting emotional. Don’t bad mouth your boss to others. If your boss is bullying you, report them to human resources.^{[10]
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7
Think several steps ahead. You may have a teacher or supervisor who intimidates you or always criticizes your work. Before speaking to them, anticipate their comebacks. Look over your homework and projects and consider what you may have missed, make improvements, or advance it several steps. This will ensure that you are prepared when you speak to them.^{[11]
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- Complete all assignments well in advance so you can check over them before turning them in.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Building Your Confidence

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List your accomplishments. Take a moment to reflect on all the good things that you have achieved. Thinking back on these things will boost your self esteem and make you feel more comfortable talking to others. List things like good grades, promotions, awards, and positive reviews from classmates or coworkers.^{[12]
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Set a short term goal and achieve it. One quick way to build your confidence is to set an easily achieved goal and then complete it. Make it something small like going to the gym after work or studying for an hour after school.^{[13]
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- If you have confidence from completing small tasks, it will help to boost you up to completing more difficult assignments.
3
Be selective with your friends. Sometimes the worst self esteem killers are the people closest to us. If you have a friend who belittles, criticizes, or insults you, distance yourself from them. Answer their calls less and spend less time with them. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and compliment you, instead.^{[14]
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- If you have a family member who is negative towards you, they can be more difficult to avoid. Try to ignore them or walk away when they are rude
4
Take care of your appearance. Another quick way to boost your confidence is to make sure you look nice each day. Be sure that you are showered, wearing clean and unwrinkled clothes, and that your hair is neat and tangle free.^{[15]
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- Keep a small mirror in your bag or a phone with a camera so you can check your appearance before speaking to an intimidating person. You won’t have to worry about how you look.
5
Practice self care. People who feel better are more likely to exude confidence than those who are tired and out of shape. Get at least 7 hours of sleep per night, exercise at least three times a week, and eat lots of fruits, veggies, and protein.^{[16]
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Do what you love. A confident person is often a happy person. Each day, plan out at least one fun activity for yourself. If you have something fun to look forward to, talking to someone who intimidates you will feel like one minor obstacle in the road. Plan to watch your favorite show, hang out with friends, have some ice cream, or go shopping.^{[17]
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