How to Speak Your Mind

Co-authored by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Last Updated: November 9, 2022 References Approved

It’s not always easy to tell people how you feel. If you’re shy or prefer to avoid confrontation, you might let an opportunity to share your views or stand up for what you believe in pass you by. Although it can be intimidating at times, becoming more assertive in discussions can change your life. It will elevate your confidence, make you more resolute in your beliefs and cause people to take note when you open your mouth. Learning to speak your mind freely is all about changing your attitude—you have to have faith that what you’re saying is worth hearing.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Learning to Speak Up

1
Stay calm and collected. Before you begin talking, steady yourself and try to ease your nerves. Breathe slowly and deeply to the count of ten. Relax and let your thoughts settle; cast out doubts and other negative thoughts. It’s normal to become apprehensive when all the attention is on you. The more in control of your words and emotions you remain, the better you’ll be able to conduct yourself in conversation.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Try not to let yourself get worked up when you’re frustrated or the topic is something you’re passionate about. Becoming overly emotional can make it harder to get out what you’re trying to say.
2
Open up to the people you’re comfortable with. Condition yourself to speaking out around close friends and family. As you get better, take yourself out of your comfort zone little by little until you no longer fear making your voice heard. Most people find it much easier to express themselves to the people closest to them than to complete strangers, who they worry will judge them.
- Start by offering your input into casual conversations where you won’t feel as bashful about professing your opinion. For instance, you might start by making offhand observations like "Dinner was really great tonight, Mom" or "I don't really care for this show. Could we watch something else?" Exchanges like these are unlikely to end in a challenge or argument.
- Talking to people that you’re already familiar with allows you to shut off self-critical thoughts and concentrate on your message.
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3
Use an assertive tone of voice. Come through loud and clear with a firm, self-assured tone.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Take your time getting your thoughts out—don’t mumble or try to talk too fast. Quiet people often go unheard not just because of the low volume of their voices, but because their general demeanor signals to others that they’re not worth listening to.^{[3]
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- If you develop a captivating speaking voice, it’s more likely that people will take what you have to say seriously.
- Being assertive is good. Being loud or overbearing is not. Know the difference to keep from alienating your listener.
4
Be confident. Above all, believe in yourself. If you don’t, your words won’t have conviction. It’s worth reminding yourself that you’re a unique individual with your own thoughts, values and ideas. If you don’t have the confidence to put these things out there, no one will ever benefit from hearing them.^{[4]
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- If you have to, “fake it ‘til you make it.” Pretend you’re more comfortable sharing an opinion than you are. Eventually, it won’t seem like such a big deal.
- Develop confident speaking skills. Look the person you’re talking to in the eye and use strong, active language.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sandra Possing
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Avoid filler phrases like “um,” “like” and “you know?” These weaken your impact.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  Go to source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Overcoming Fear of Confrontation and Ridicule

1
Don’t worry about what other people may think. Forget about trying to please. Fear of judgment shouldn’t keep you from letting the world know how you feel.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Not everyone will always be interested or agree with what you’re saying. This shouldn’t discourage you from doing yourself justice.^{[8]
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- Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if you do speak up. Once you look closely at your reasons for keeping quiet, you’ll find that they begin to disappear.
2
Believe in what you’re saying. Stand by the validity of your views. In order for your words to have weight, you yourself have to acknowledge their worth. Even if you and the people around you don’t see eye-to-eye, the important thing is that you have the courage to make your position known. Anxiety about how you might be perceived shouldn’t keep you from standing behind what you think is right.
- Stick to your guns. It's not always easy to muster up the courage to tell someone "you're being selfish," or "I don't think what you're doing is right." If you feel a pressing urge to speak up about a certain issue, however, that probably means it’s important.
- Express your opinions without shame, but don’t shove them down anyone’s throat.
3
Don’t hesitate. When an opportunity to speak comes, seize it. Be conscious to the discussions going on around you and wait for the right time to put in your two cents. Your listeners may be impressed by what you have to say, leading them to seek your input more often. Too many people hold back because they’re afraid of drawing attention or saying something stupid, but you never know when you’ll get another opening.
- Making assertive statements and asking well thought out questions shows initiative. Even saying "I'm not sure I understood that last point. Could you explain it again?" shows that you're engaged and making an effort to promote equal discussion.
- By the time you work up the nerve to speak, someone else might have already said what you were going to say.
4
Assume that others will agree with you. Stop telling yourself “No one wants to know my opinion.” Your thoughts are as legitimate as anyone else’s. In fact, they might actually be in line with a majority of people who are too timid to speak up themselves. When you expect to be laughed at or contradicted, you’re only undermining the way you feel.^{[9]
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- Witnessing your confidence and willingness to boldly state your claims can inspire others to champion their own beliefs more freely.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Knowing When to Speak Up

1
Contribute to enlightening discussions. If a conversation can benefit by your participation, jump in. Healthy exchange of ideas is essential to becoming a more understanding person. There’s usually an opportunity to learn from deep, emotionally-invested discourse, and an opportunity to impart some wisdom of your own.
- Preface opinionated comments with phrases like “I think...” or “it’s my belief that…”
- Be aware of how you present yourself in discussions on politics, religion and ethical issues, as these can easily breed conflict.
2
Involve yourself in the decision-making process. Get active in making plans or coming to decisions. Explain your line of thinking and make it clear what your preferences are. By holding your tongue, you forfeit your say-so in the decisions that get made, even when they affect you.^{[10]
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- An action as small as vetoing an option for where to eat lunch can make you feel more empowered to speak.
- If you're unsure whether a particular idea will be accepted, make it sound like you're just brainstorming. Try something like "Do you think it would work better if we..." or "What if instead of going to the theater, we curl up and watch a movie on the couch?"
3
Don’t let silence be mistaken for approval. Failure to speak up can be misinterpreted as permissiveness or indifference. If you’re opposed to something, say so. Take an outspoken stance on objectionable issues, behaviors and beliefs in no uncertain terms. Otherwise, you’re as much to blame for circumstances as the person who has created them.^{[11]
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- A scornful glance will never have the same effect as forcefully asking "What makes you think it's acceptable to behave that way?"
- You can’t change the way things are until you first point out what’s wrong with them.
4
Keep it civil. Be polite, cool-headed and willing to listen even (maybe especially) when an ordinary discussion turns into an argument. Do your best to always encourage respectful and open-minded communication. The way you carry yourself in conversation should serve set a positive example. Knowing when it’s best to withhold your opinion or stifle the urge to voice your thoughts is just as important as knowing when to speak proudly.^{[12]
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- Resist the temptation to stoop to using insults in the midst of a heated argument. "I'm sorry, but I disagree" gets the same point across, but without the hostility. It's much more likely that the person you're talking to will listen and take you seriously if you're able to keep a cool head.
- Think twice before saying anything that you know might offend or be taken the wrong way.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I get better at speaking my mind? I feel confident, but then the time comes and I don't do it.

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

The best thing you can do is practice. There's really no good replacement for real-world experience, so just try to start small. Speak up and say what's on your mind during one little interaction. From there, build on that by speaking up more often. It'll get easier over time!
Question

Is therapy good for you if you want to be more assertive?

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Therapy is very rarely a bad idea, and it's definitely a good way to improve your ability to speak up!
Question

How can I be honest but not rude?

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles.

Sandra Possing

Life Coach

Expert Answer

Don't be afraid to speak up in a louder, assertive voice. Just make sure you don't speak too loudly or interrupt other people.

Warnings

Try not to dominate the conversation. Give everyone else a fair chance to speak.

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Use your best judgment when determining what's acceptable to say and what isn't. Don't let your mouth get you into trouble.

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