Clear Indications Your Ex Is Testing You & How to Handle It

Is your ex really reaching out to reconnect, or do they just want a reaction?

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Why They Might Test You

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How to React

Breaking up is hard on everyone involved, but it can be especially confusing when your ex reaches out afterward. Whether they're texting you to check in or lurking on your social media, there are a lot of potential reasons your ex might test you by reaching out again, but how do you know what they want, let alone how to respond? We’ve consulted dating experts and developed a list of signs your ex is testing you, why they might test you, and what to do about it. Check it out below.

Things You Should Know

Your ex might test you by lurking on your social media, checking in with you, or showing up where you go.
They might test you by trying to under your skin or make you jealous, or they might give you mixed signals.
They may just want to boost their ego by getting your attention, or they may genuinely want to reconnect with you because they miss you or want closure.
Before you react, consider your own needs. Ask yourself if you’d rather cut ties, or if you think it’s worth it to reconnect with your ex.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs Your Ex Is Testing You

1
They lurk on your social media. Maybe they’re liking all your posts or just watching all your Instagram stories—but they don’t reach out. It’s like…they want to make sure you don’t forget they’re there, but they don’t want to exert more than a few seconds of energy to get your attention.
2
They keep reaching out. Does your ex go beyond just lurking and actually text you—regularly? Maybe they do what’s sometimes called “submarining”—popping up periodically to check in and then ghosting for a while—or they actually engage you in daily conversations about how you’re doing. Either way, this is a potential sign they miss you and aren’t quite ready to let you go yet.

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3
They ignore you. On the other hand, icing you out could be an indicator that your ex is testing you, especially if this happens in conjunction with other puzzling activities, like liking your social media posts. If they keep grabbing your attention by texting you and then ignoring you when you respond, they might be messing with you. If they ignore your attempts to reach out or pretend you don't exist when they run into you in public, it's possible they're upset about the breakup.
- If your ex straight up cut off all contact with you after your relationship ended, that could be their way of saying they want a clean break, and it might not necessarily mean they're testing you. (Although they really should say that directly.)
4
They won’t give you your things back. Finders keepers isn’t a thing. Sure, you may have given each other various presents during your time as a couple, but at the end of a relationship, you have every right to take your Lana Del Rey album and your coffee maker back home with you. If they refuse to give you your things back, it might be a sign they’re holding onto the relationship or trying to enact some sort of revenge on you, or maybe just the universe, for your relationship falling apart.^{[1]
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- Whether they straight up ignore your attempts to contact them or they’re suddenly “busy” every time you want to stop by to get your things, refusing to give you your stuff back is the height of immaturity.
5
They keep trying to get under your skin. Depending on how long y’all were together, your ex might know you very, very well—well enough to know just what to do and say to push your buttons. If you find that every interaction you have with your ex leaves you frustrated, embarrassed, or stunned, consider that they might be doing it on purpose!
- Now that the relationship is over, they might be grieving (however immaturely) the bond that you 2 shared. Getting a reaction out of you, even a negative one, may be a way for them to feel noticed by you.
6
They keep showing up wherever you go. At the library? At Dunkin Donuts? Your favorite dive bar, which they always insisted they hated while you were dating? If your ex keeps miraculously appearing wherever you go, they might be doing it on purpose to keep tabs on you, to gauge your reaction to seeing them, or to try to wheedle their way back into your life.
- Hopefully, this behavior isn’t intrusive and will gradually fade as they get more accustomed to you both being broken up.
- But if you feel unsafe at all by their presence, or if you ask them to stop following you and they don’t listen, call the police or reach out to the Stalking Resource Center for support. Tell trusted friends and family about your ex’s behavior and let them know you feel unsafe.
7
They try to make you jealous. Whether they’re talking up their love life to make it seem as if they’re thriving after your breakup, or they’re showing up to your mutual friend’s wedding with a date and flaunting them in front of you, trying to make you jealous is a super common way your ex might test you. They may want to make you miss them, if you were the one who ended your relationship. Or they may just be feeling insecure after your breakup and want you to think they're hurting less than they are.
8
They've changed into who you wanted them to be while you were together. After months or even years of begging your partner to do certain things or act a certain way, you break up. And then, suddenly, your ex seems to have adopted those very habits you tried so hard to instill in them—whether it’s being emotionally vulnerable, prioritizing your feelings, flirting more, what have you. What’s that about? It’s a major sign they’re trying to test you, perhaps because they want to get back together—or maybe because they just want you to miss them.
- If your ex has suddenly changed to meet your needs and you’re tempted to try to rekindle things with them, be wary—it’s very possible it’s just an act. At best, it's not an act, but the behavior may not last.
9
They make assumptions about your healing process. “I’m sure you moved on immediately.” “You’re probably totally fine.” “I doubt the breakup took much of a toll on you.” These sorts of comments, perhaps said teasingly, are often said by people who want reassurance from their ex that they still miss them and that, yes, the relationship meant something.
- If your ex is just feeling insecure and wants to know that you still care or wants the validation of knowing the breakup wasn’t easy for you, that’s understandable…but they need to be direct about it.
10
They keep bringing up your relationship. Maybe they keep throwing “What if…” questions your way or they straight up ask you if you’d ever want to get back together. If they can’t seem to leave the relationship alone, they might be trying to feel you out and see if you’re receptive to getting back together.
- It’s also possible they genuinely want to discuss the relationship and get some closure.
11
They give you mixed signals. They flirt with you and withdraw when you flirt back. They tell you they miss you and then backpedal as soon as you reciprocate. They say they’ll be heartbroken when you move on, meanwhile, they’re meeting a new Tinder match every night. If your ex seems determined to remind you they’re there, but doesn't want to get any closer, take it as a sign they’re playing games. The old push-and-pull is a classic form of testing.^{[2]
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- While it's crummy to be yanked around like this, it's possible your ex might be giving you mixed signals not to mess with you, but because they don't know what they want.

Section 2 of 3:

Why Your Ex Might Test You

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Your ex may test you to see if you want to date again. Whether they ended your relationship and have now come to their senses, or you ended it and they want to see if you’ve come to your senses, your ex could be trying to get your attention because they want to get back together. They might leave little hints that they’re still interested in the hopes that you’ll pick them up and reciprocate.
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They might reach out because they want to be friends. If your ex keeps reaching out to you or reminding you of their existence, it could be that they genuinely care about you and want to stay connected—nothing more, nothing less. You both shared something special, whether it was for a few weeks or 10 years, and they might not want to let it all go just because you’re no longer romantically involved.
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They want to know if you’re dating anyone else. They may or may not want to get back together, but they want to know if you’ve moved on just yet. This is understandable to an extent—maybe you’ve been wondering how they’re getting along after the breakup too—but if they keep bugging you, it might be a sign they need to let go a little.
4
Your ex may keep reaching out because they want an ego boost. If this is the case, good riddance. Your ex could be poking you and trying to get your attention because, well, they miss having your attention! Sure, that’s understandable to a point, but their ego isn’t your problem, especially when feeding their ego interrupts your own ability to move on from the relationship.
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They may just want a reaction. If your ex is hurting from your breakup and not handling it maturely, they might test you to see if you'll react. It's possible that not being a part of your life after having a meaningful relationship with you is triggering an urge to get your attention, albeit in a childish way.

Section 3 of 3:

How to React

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Prioritize your needs. First and foremost, act—don’t react. In other words, don’t let what you think they want from you dictate how you respond to their behavior. Assess your own needs and ask yourself what you expect from a conversation with them. If the breakup just happened, you might still be healing from it, but even if you’ve begun to move on, you don’t owe your ex your attention, especially if they aren’t direct about what they expect from you.
2
Decide if you want to engage with them. The moment of truth: do you want to reply to their cryptic “Hey” text or do you want to ignore it? (Or some other third option, like letting the text marinate for 2 days and then replying?) After assessing your needs, you’ll be in a better position to determine how you want to respond to their behavior.
- Realize that you don’t have to make a snap decision, and you’re allowed to change your mind. If you decide tonight you don’t want to talk to your ex, and you decide tomorrow that, actually, you do after all? You can! And vice versa. Nothing has to be permanent.
3
Ask yourself if you want to get back together. If you suspect your ex is poking you because they want to date again, ask yourself if you’re open to that. Or, if not, think about how you might let them down easy.
- Before you think about getting back together, remind yourself why you broke up. Do you think things would be better a second time around? Be honest! Backsliding is so tempting and happens to the best of us, but it’s not always worth it.
4
Try to get closure. Whether your ex is trying to get back together with you or just misses talking to you, engaging with them could be a way to bring you both some much-needed closure. If they keep reaching out to catch up or ask about the relationship, consider taking time to sit down and talk with them about things. It might help you both.
- It’s important to set healthy boundaries when it comes to engaging with your ex about the relationship. While you may have once been each other’s primary sources of emotional support, this conversation is about closure—not about becoming emotionally involved again.
- It might be tricky to figure out how to maintain boundaries with your ex, but it’ll get easier over time. For now, it may help to establish rules for yourself to help you keep some emotional distance, like “don’t hold hands,” and to communicate your expectations with your ex upfront when you meet up so that they know your intentions.
5
Consider cutting off contact with them. If their “testing” takes the form of messing with you, ask yourself whether it would benefit you more to just cut them off cold-turkey. You may have wanted to be mature about the breakup and, who knows, maybe even become friends eventually, but if they insist on playing games, making you jealous, trying to get your attention in petty ways—it just might not be worth your energy.
- Cutting off ties could mean letting them know directly you don’t want to talk to them or see them, or it could just mean blocking their number and blocking them on social media and wiping your hands of the whole thing.