What should you say when your ex jumps back into the picture with an “I love you” text? Getting a text from your ex can be a tough emotional situation to navigate, especially if you want to get back together. No matter whether you feel confused, completely done, or head over heels still in love with your ex, we’ll help you figure out the best game plan. Read on for a complete guide to responding when your ex reaches out and says “I love you.”

1

Weigh the good and bad times in your relationship.

  1. Decide how you feel about your ex and whether it's a good idea to reply. Take a “relationship inventory” of what went well, what didn’t go well, and the reasons you broke up.[1] We tend to look back on relationships through rose-colored glasses, so balancing out positive and negative memories can give you better judgment.[2] To figure out whether you should respond, ask yourself these questions:
    • Did ending the relationship happen suddenly, or was it a long time coming? If you saw the breakup coming, it’s probably best to ignore the text.[3]
    • Is your life better, worse, or unchanged post-breakup? If you feel relieved, free, or happier post-breakup, you might not want to respond to the message.
    • Did your ex treat you well? If the relationship was unhealthy, just don’t respond to the message.
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2

Take your time to respond.

  1. Taking a step back can help you process your emotions. Getting back in touch with an ex can bring up a ton of different emotions, and you might need some time to sort out your feelings. Try drafting a message or two as an exercise to express how you feel—without hitting send. Wait a few hours or a day, then read over what you wrote.[4]
    • For instance, you might be really tempted to respond with something like, “I miss you and I wish we were back together.” However, it’s probably better to hold off on sending that message until you’ve figured out what your ex wants and whether they have good intentions.
3

Ask why they’re reaching out now.

  1. What does it actually mean when your ex says "I love you?" An “I love you” text from your ex could mean they want to get back together. Or, it could mean that they’re lonely, bored, looking to hook up, or worried they won't be able to find love in the future.[5] You’re less likely to end up hurt if you understand why they’re contacting you from the start.
    • “Hey, it’s good to hear from you. Can I ask why you’re reaching out now?”
    • “I know you seemed really certain when you ended things between us. Why are you telling me this now?”
    • “What do you mean when you say that?”
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4

Compare their words to their actions.

  1. If your ex really does love you, they’ll show you they’re sincere. Has your ex apologized for any past wrongdoing? Have they talked about how they’ve learned and grown since the relationship ended? Here are the other key signs your ex means it when they say “I love you:”[6]
    • They’re willing to take your new relationship slowly.
    • They don’t try to pressure you.
    • They’re focused on working together to find solutions to your past relationship problems.
    • They’ve broken bad habits or picked up healthy new ones since you two were together.
    • They've broken off contact with other people they were seeing.
5

Let your ex down gently if you’ve moved on.

  1. Be upfront if you’re not feeling positive about rekindling the relationship. You might not feel like your ex deserves a second chance, and that’s totally fine. Stay kind and respectful as you tell your ex that you don’t reciprocate their feelings.[7]
    • “It’s nice to hear from you, but I’m in a new relationship now and I’ve moved on.”
    • “I hope you’re doing well. I’m with someone else, though, and I think it’s better if you and I both take some space and time to heal.”
    • “I care about you, and I hope you’ll find someone amazing. But I’ve moved on.”
    • If you'd rather be subtle, reply in a friendly but businesslike way that shows you aren't interested.[8]
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6

Open the door to friendship if you miss them.

  1. Rebuilding friendship lets you discover the ways you've both changed. You might decide that all you want is friendship. Or, you might realize you’ve both changed enough to try again.[9] Either way, replying to their “I love you” text with a request to stay friends is a positive step towards reconnection.
    • “I care about you, but I think it’s better if we stay friends for now.”
    • “It’s really good to hear from you. I do miss you, but I’m only ready for friendship right now.”
    • “I’m still processing the breakup. But I’d love to be friends, if that sounds ok to you.”
7

Take things slowly if you still have strong feelings for them.

  1. Easing back into a relationship creates a stronger foundation. Rather than quickly sending a text that reciprocates their feelings, keep your message on the vague side. Simply tell your ex you’re open to the possibility of trying again. If your ex really loves you, their feelings will still be there while you figure things out.[10]
    • “Thanks for being so open with me. I’m not totally sure about us giving things another shot. But I’d love the chance to figure that out.”
    • “I’m still processing how I feel about us, but I’d love to keep talking.”
    • “I really appreciate you reaching out. I’m going to need some time to work through this, but I’m also not ready to give up on us.”
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8

Wait for them to offer to meet up.

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you politely tell an ex you don't want to hang out?
    Connell Barrett
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Explain that you're unavailable on the day that they want to hang out. For example, if they invite you to hang out on Thursday, let them know that you're busy then.
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About This Article

Connell Barrett
Co-authored by:
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Connell Barrett and by wikiHow staff writer, Kira Jan. Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach." This article has been viewed 28,476 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: June 27, 2022
Views: 28,476
Categories: Breaking Up
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