8 Marriage Myths Debunked

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about what it’s like to be married and how married life differs from being single or dating someone. It doesn’t help that a lot of the married couples we see in movies and TV shows tend to either be super in love or always bickering. Don't worry though—we've compiled a list of some of the most common marriage myths out there and debunked them to help set the record straight.

1

Myth: Marriage is always easy if you’re in love.

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    Fact: All relationships require work, even if you’re head over heels. This doesn’t mean that the work people in relationships need to do is going to be miserable, though! Listening to your partner, actively communicating, being open and vulnerable, and making an active effort to be empathetic requires some conscious effort, but it’s rewarding.[1] This is true whether you’re married or not.[2]
    • There’s a lot of evidence that shows the more committed a married couple is to putting work into their relationship, the happier they are in the long run.[3]
    • It is certainly possible that if you’re in love and willing to put in the effort in to maintain your relationship, this work won’t really feel like work at all!
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2

Myth: Living together is a good test run for marriage.

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    Fact: Getting married seriously changes the relationship (in a good way!). The level of commitment required to take the plunge into marriage is a lot greater than the commitment required to sign a lease together. Things like finances, taxes, and planning for the future can be quite different as well. While you may be able to learn something about yourself or your partner when you live together, the dynamics of your relationship are just going to be different once you get married.[4]
3

Myth: Healthy marriages are free of conflict.

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    Fact: Some conflict is productive and healthy. It is true that couples who don’t fight super often tend to be happier than couples who are always arguing, but that doesn’t mean that healthy couples never fight.[5] Two people who are invested in their relationship are bound to disagree, and so long as the conflict remains respectful, honest, and solution-oriented, there’s nothing wrong with that.[6] [7]
    • Conflict is often an opportunity to express how passionate you are about certain elements of your relationship. That passion is a good thing, even if it occasionally leads to friction or conflict.[8]
    • If a couple never fights, it often means that the relationship isn’t equitable. There should be a healthy dose of conflict in a long-term relationship if both people are open, honest, and comfortable expressing themselves.[9]
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4

Myth: Married couples stop having sex.

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    Fact: Getting married has no impact on frequency of sex. There is evidence that people tend to slow down on the love-making after they have children, but that’s about it. Couples that have sex before marriage don’t appear to have more or less sex after getting hitched. While it’s totally normal for couples to go through peaks and valleys when it comes to frequency of sex, it doesn’t look like the ring on the finger has anything to do with it.[10]
    • In case you’re curious, married couples (in general) have sex around once a week.[11]
    • Age can impact sex drive, so it’s natural for things slow down after a few decades of marriage, but evidence suggests that frequency of sex is less likely to lead to conflict or dissatisfaction as couples get older.[12]
5

Myth: The first years are always fun.

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    Fact: There’s a lot of fun, but there are unique challenges, too. The first few years are where couples figure out how to live as a married couple, which will obviously be new for everyone involved! It’s also when couples start having serious conversations about the future. Are we having kids? Do we combine finances? Who chooses the layout of furniture in the living room? A lot of these conversations are going to be new, which can lead to some conflict early on.[13]
    • There is definitely plenty of fun to be had, too! The first few years of marriage are undoubtedly exciting, so it’s not like it’s just filled with hard work and conflict. There are just going to be a few disagreements over things that weren’t relevant before marriage.
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6

Myth: Married couples should always agree.

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    Fact: You don’t always have to agree, but it’s good to compromise. It’s normal for two people with distinct personalities and beliefs to not agree on everything. With that said, couples who were willing to compromise on occasion do tend to be happier in their marriage. So while it’s natural for a couple to disagree over, say, where their child should go to school, it shouldn’t be an insurmountable challenge for the couple to discuss their views and reach an agreeable consensus.[14]
7

Myth: "Happy partner, happy life."

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    Fact: This is a problematic way of viewing relationships. It implies that it's one partner's job to keep the other partner placated and that if they don't, their partner will make them miserable. Marriage is a partnership, and the reality is that both spouse’s level of happiness is important. If a person is unhappy but their partner is happy, it doesn’t automatically mean that their unhappiness is going to disappear.[17]
    • If you take this phrase to mean “Caring about your partner's happiness means you’re in a healthy relationship,” then there’s some truth to this!
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8

Myth: It’s bad for married couples to go to bed angry.

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    Fact: Taking a break after a heated discussion is a good idea. It’s impossible to solve every single problem in a single day. Some conversations require an ongoing dialogue, and “sleeping on it” will often help people return to a conversation with a fresh perspective and a better attitude.[18] If you can solve a problem before going to bed, go for it—but don’t expect every issue to be fixed before bedtime.[19]

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References

  1. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
  2. ↑ https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064
  3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_your_arguments_might_change_after_you_get_married
  4. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6002150/
  5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
  6. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
  7. ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
  8. ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
  9. ↑ https://www.deseret.com/2015/1/28/20557287/why-you-don-t-want-your-marriage-to-be-conflict-free#there-are-three-kinds-of-marriage-that-are-completely-conflict-free-and-you-wouldnt-want-any-of-them
  1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26004449/
  2. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-often-do-happiest-couples-have-sex-it-s-less-ncna828491
  3. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22904574/
  4. ↑ https://time.com/4763300/marriage-advice-first-year/
  5. ↑ https://www.prepare-enrich.com/pe/pdf/research/2011/national_survey_married.pdf
  6. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201009/can-you-and-your-partner-agree-disagree
  8. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4158846/
  9. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
  10. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/five-myths/five-myths-about-marriage/2018/06/01/5646e650-6438-11e8-a69c-b944de66d9e7_story.html

About This Article

Maya Diamond, MA
Co-authored by:
Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Eric McClure. Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009. This article has been viewed 22,381 times.
4 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 8
Updated: August 25, 2021
Views: 22,381
Categories: Married Life
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