How to Make Your Ex Girlfriend Want You Again

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: July 28, 2020 References Approved

Splitting up is hard, but it's great to have your ex wanting you back. The process of making her like you again starts right after you break up. Everything you do can potentially hurt or help your case. By taking the time to analyze your relationship, work on yourself, and strategically communicate with her, you can win her back.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing Yourself to Win Her Back

1
Try the no contact rule. Determine a set amount of time where you will no longer interact with your ex. This includes phone calls, text messages, social media, and in person meetings. You are not to initiate contact or respond to her at all. This will give both of you space to heal and work out your feelings.^{[1]
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- The no contact period is typically 21, 30, or 45 days. Whatever period you choose, you must stick to the plan.
- No contact will give both of you time to heal and also give your ex-girlfriend time to miss you.
- If the relationship ended badly, this period will allow both of you to cool off and work through any negative feelings.^{[2]
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2
Stop engaging with her on social media. Even if you no longer talk to your ex, seeing pictures of her and knowing what she is doing will make you want to contact her. Constantly getting updates about her life through social media will make things more difficult for you. You also may find out information you do not want to know such as she is dating someone else.^{[3]
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- If you need to unfriend or block your ex-girlfriend on social media, then you should. You do not have to let your ex-girlfriend know that you are taking these steps.
- Do not post how sad or depressed you are about the breakup either.
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3
Evaluate the relationship. Since you are no longer talking to your ex, you have time to think about the relationship. Consider the pros and cons of the relationship. Think about the things that you did well and things that you did not. Also, think of the things you can do differently if you get another chance with her.
- It may be helpful to write a pros and cons list down on a piece of paper. This will also help you think about the relationship.
4
Take care of yourself. You want to be the best version of yourself you can be. This will make you more attractive to your ex when you contact her again.^{[4]
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Research source} Eat healthy and exercise. Spend time with friends and family who love you. Do activities that you not have had time to do when you were in a relationship such as volunteer, play video games, read, etc.
- It's also fine if you do not feel like going out a lot or being social. Do whatever you need to do to heal from the relationship such as meditating, journaling, or spending time alone watching movies.
- If there are personality traits or issues that you had in the relationship such as anger, jealousy, insecurity, taking her for granted, or being controlling begin to work on those things. Seek professional help if you need to.
- Write down the type of man you want to be and begin to work on each of those things.
5
Avoid talking negatively about her. After a breakup, it is tempting to badmouth your ex. You may say some things that you do not really mean. Saying bad things about her to your family, her friends, or your friends is not helpful. If your ex finds out what you have been saying about her, you may ruin your chances of getting back together with her.
- Do your best to keep the details of your relationship private.
- Refrain from posting about your relationship on social media as well. This includes, subliminal messages such as song lyrics, music videos, or quotes.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Engaging with Your Ex-Girlfriend

1
Contact your ex. Once the no contact period is over, reach out to your ex. You can do this through an email, phone call, letter, or text message. If you write an email or letter, tell your ex that you have accepted the breakup, apologize for anything that you did wrong, and tell her something interesting about your life since the breakup.^{[5]
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- If you send a text message, try to say something that starts a conversation, is flirty in nature, and does not bring up anything negative.
- Try texting, "Hey, I was watching X on TV and I it made me think of you :)" You could also text them about a good memory that you guys made together. For example, "Remember when we went to that great restaurant.."
- Your initial contact should not mention getting back together or that you miss her or you love her.^{[6]
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2
Admit your mistakes and apologize. You have had time to evaluate your relationship. Now is the time to admit to your mistakes and tell her that you are sorry. This shows her that you have matured and put a lot of thought into what happened between the two of you. She will also begin to see how you have taken steps to become a better man.^{[7]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.}
- This can be done in person or on the phone. It is better not to have long or emotional conversations through text messaging.
3
Ask her on a date. Now that you and your ex have been communicating, ask her if she would like to go on a date or hang out. Try to be very casual and polite when you ask her. Do not make this out to be a big deal. Try saying, "Hey, do you want to go get coffee or something?" or "Let's get together to catch up." You can also use the phrase "hang out" instead of "date."^{[8]
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- If she is reluctant, you might say, "It's only coffee. What would it hurt?"
- If she does not want to meet up with you, do not push the issue. Give her space. Tell her, "I respect that you don't want to meet up, let me know if you change your mind. It would be great to see you."
4
Woo her again. To win her back, you must do all of the things that you did to make her interested in you the first time. If you used to send her flowers or write her sweet notes, begin to do those things again. Think of this opportunity as a new relationship. You need to make her fall for you again.^{[9]
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- Although you want to impress her, do not be needy or beg her to be with you again. This will only make you look insecure or weak. You want her to take you back because you are a great guy not because she feels sorry for you.^{[10]
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- Do not say things like, "I can't live without you."
5
Avoid bringing up the past. You and your ex are starting over again. Focus on the positive things that made your relationship work the first time around.^{[11]
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Research source} If you won her over by being funny, continue to make her laugh. If she enjoyed your cooking, prepare a nice meal for her.
- Focus on building new memories with her. She needs to see how things will be different this time around.
6
Start slowly. You cannot pick up where you left off when you get back together. Treat this as a new relationship.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.} Take your time and get to know each other again. You also do not want to overwhelm her or put pressure on her to get back together. Focus on building a strong friendship.^{[13]
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- Do not text or call everyday.
- Go out on dates and do activities together. Learn her likes, dislikes, and habits again.
- Hold off on the physical aspect of the relationship and spend more time talking.
7
Know when to give up. If your ex completely resists all of your effort, you need to respect her decision. If she tells you to leave her alone or that she has moved on, you need to move on as well. Being too needy and persistent will make you look bad and could ruin any chances of getting her back in the future.
- If she has a new boyfriend, be respectful of her new relationship. Do not try to get her to break up with her new boyfriend. Be patient and see if her new relationship is serious or just a rebound.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you make your ex girlfriend miss you?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

You can't necessarily make your ex-girlfriend miss you. However, you can apologize to her for your mistakes and show her that you're willing to do better in the future.