How to Maintain a Relationship with a Quiet Person

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: October 30, 2020

Maintaining a relationship of any kind takes effort, compromise, and communication on the part of both of people. It can be challenging, though, if your partner is a quiet person. You way wonder what you need to do to keep the relationship going and keep both of you happy. If you communicate with your partner, spend quality time together, and establish a healthy perspective, you can maintain a relationship with a quiet person.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating with Your Partner

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Communicate in various ways.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} Your partner might be quiet, but all relationships depend on communication. You can maintain your relationship by being creative and communicating with your partner in ways other than just talking.
- Write notes and letters to each other. This can be as simple as a ‘good morning’ written on a sticky note or it can be a three-page love letter.
- Draw your partner a quick doodle, sketch, or picture expressing how you feel. Or ask them to do the same for you.
- Use texts, emails, and other forms of messaging to communicate. For example, you could send your partner an instant message to check on how their day is going.
- Try video or photo chatting with each other. Apps like Snapchat make it possible for you to communicate in fun ways.
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Start conversations with them.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} Don’t wait for your partner to start talking to you. If you do, you may be waiting a while. Especially if you need to talk about a problem in the relationship or other serious issue, you shouldn’t wait for them to bring it up. Maintain your relationship with a quiet person by being the one to start conversations.^{[3]
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Research source}
- For example, if you need to talk about your plans for prom, you could wait for her to bring it up and potentially miss prom. Or, you could say something like, “Mandy, let’s talk about our plans for the prom.”
- Or if, for instance, you are wondering about the status of your relationship, you might say to your partner, “Chase, we need to talk about where our relationship is headed.”
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Tell them your needs. You can maintain a relationship with a quiet person if you let them know what you need from the relationship.^{[4]
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Research source} You definitely want to think about their needs, but you also have to balance it by communicating your needs.
- Let your partner know if you need more social time or even more quality one-on-one time. For example, you might say, “I understand that you need quiet time. Sometimes I do, too. I’d love if we could spend some quiet time together.”
- Tell them if you need more affection or even a little space. You might try saying, “Sometimes I’d like to just cuddle. Even if it’s just for a few minutes.”
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Ask questions. When you are in a relationship with a quiet partner you will need to develop good questioning skills. Since your quiet partner may not just open up and tell you what’s on their mind or share their preferences with you, you will need to ask them questions to find out what they are thinking or what’s going on with them. Be sure to share openly and honestly with them as well.
- Avoid just asking questions they can answer with one word. For example, don’t ask, “Did you have a good time?” You partner might just respond, “Yes.”
- Try asking open-ended questions like, “What was your favorite part?” “What’s your opinion about the situation?” or “What or your thoughts?”
- You can also ask more direct questions such as, “What activities do you enjoy and why?” “How do you like to recharge?” and “What kinds of topics interest you and why?”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Spending Quality Time Together

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Compromise on activities. Take turns choosing the activities you do together. Compromising between quiet, downtime and exciting, social time will help you maintain your relationship with a quiet person.^{[5]
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Research source}
- Make plans to do quiet activities together like watching a marathon of your favorite web series or just sitting and talking.
- Spend time hanging out with other couples or in group settings. For example, go to a party together with some of your mutual friends.
- You can even spend a few hours together in the morning volunteering in the community and then spend the afternoon quietly relaxing.
- Keep in mind that your partner may be easily drained after a few hours of activity, especially if they are an introvert. Make sure to give them a chance to recharge after social activities and be willing to do some non-social activities as well.
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Plan social events in advance. It can be really stressful for quiet people to be thrown into social situations without preparation.^{[6]
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Research source} This can cause problems in your relationship and make your partner feel uncomfortable. You can spend quality time with your quiet partner and maintain a good relationship if you give your partner advance notice about social events.
- For example, inviting your mutual friends over for a game day and not telling your partner until the doorbell rings isn’t a good idea.
- Give your partner enough time to mentally prepare to be social. You might say, “Later in the week I’d like to get together with our friends and play some board games.”
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Take advantage of downtime. Spending quiet, one-on-one time together is a good thing for any relationship. It gives you the opportunity to connect with each other on a different level. When you are in a relationship with a quiet person, you can maintain the relationship by taking advantage of your quiet time together.
- Spend some time just sitting with each other or cuddling. You don’t have to say or do anything other than be together.
- Try meditating together or practicing other relaxation techniques like deep breathing.
- Spend time in nature together, such as by taking a walk outside. This is a healthy, relaxing activity that you can do together.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Establishing a Healthy Perspective on Your Relationship

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Accept them the way they are.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} You may want your partner to talk more or be more social, but trying to change them is not the way to maintain a relationship with a quiet person.^{[8]
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Research source} Accept that they are a quiet person and love them for it the same way they accept and love you.
- Avoid trying to force your partner to be more talkative or try to make them feel bad for being a quiet person. For instance, don’t tell you partner, “Our relationship would be better if you talked to me more. Why don’t you talk more?” Remember that there is nothing wrong with being a quiet person and criticizing them for being quiet will only cause them to resent you.
- Show them you respect and appreciate who they are. Say something like, “I know you’re a quiet person. I appreciate the conversations you sharing with me.”
- Reflect on what drew you to your partner in the first place. What qualities of theirs did/do you admire?
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Develop your own interests.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} One way you can maintain a relationship with a quiet person is to make sure that you have other activities and people in your life. This way, when your partner needs quiet time, but you want to be social, you will have someone else to talk to and other things to do.
- Continue participating in the activities that you were involved in before your relationship started. For example, if you play the cello, continue taking your lessons.
- Hang out with your own friends on a regular basis. For instance, have a weekly ‘girls night’ so you can catch up with your female friends and give your partner some quiet time.
- Remember that you and your partner are not there to complete each other, but to enhance each other’s lives. Maintain your individual time and interests.
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Make sure you’re not being manipulated. Sometimes people can use silence as a weapon in relationships. Ignoring you or barely talking to you can be a way of controlling you.^{[10]
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Research source} You can maintain a relationship with a quiet person if you determine that they aren’t using silence as a way to control you.
- Notice if your partner is talkative and social with other people and only seems quiet with you. For example, does she regularly hang out with and talk to her friends, but can barely say ‘hi’ to you?
- Pay attention if you partner ignores you or gives you the silent treatment to get you to do what they want. For instance, if he won’t speak to you unless you agree to go to a party with him, then he is being manipulative.
- If your partner is not normally quiet, then taking on this trait might be a sign that something is wrong. Seek help for your partner if this is not normal behavior for them.