How to Love Again

Last Updated: December 9, 2021

We’ve all been through a nasty breakup at one time or another. Though the person may have hurt us deeply, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the person in our next romantic relationship will do the same. It’s important for our own sake that we learn how to trust and be vulnerable again. What we can do, however, in the next one is look for signs of compatibility in which to build a strong and solid foundation to allow a long-lasting relationship to blossom!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Nurturing Yourself

1
Change your surroundings. We all need change in our lives but especially after a break-up. It can be as simple as swapping artwork on your wall, moving furniture around or buying new curtains. Consider buying new bedding, too. There’s nothing like new bedsheets or a duvet to comfort you when you’re getting over someone.
- Repainting the walls in your space can make you feel like you're getting a fresh start. Go with warm colors, which tend to be soothing and comforting.
2
Reconnect with old friends. We can all be guilty of letting friendships slip when we’re in a relationship. So take a minute to think about who you have lost touch with. There’s bound to be someone from your past who you miss and would enjoying spending time with again.

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3
Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. In order to move on, you have to forgive your own failings as well as your partner’s issues. Romantic relationships are never completely one-sided. Also release yourself from any guilt. Each of us are usually doing the best that we can in any given moment.
- If you see areas where you were wrong in the relationship, reflect on why you behaved that way. Learning and growing from your mistakes is what life’s about.
4
Have a spa day. There’s nothing like a day at the spa to feel better! Most spas have packages for all kinds of budgets. The separate treatments, like facials or massage, can be pricey. But many also have day passes that are fairly reasonable.
- A day pass usually includes access to the general amenities such as use of the hot tub, sauna, shower facilities, steam room and the swimming pool, if it has one.
5
Enroll in a class. Are you interested in web design? Would you like to learn how to make sushi? Then take a class in something you’ve always been interested in! Along with acquiring new skills, you’ll also be meeting new people. Not only will this keep your mind off the breakup, but you’ll also discover talents you never knew you had!
6
Volunteer your services and talents. We all can use a little perspective. All it takes is a moment to hear another person’s problems to help us realize how fortunate we are. So why not volunteer at a retirement home, an animal shelter, a charity home or be a Big Sister or Brother. There is always someone else worse off than us, and sometimes we just need to be reminded of it. One of the biggest rewards you get from volunteering is how unbelievably grateful the little critters are or the people you’re helping.
7
Avoid interacting with your ex. All this does is stir up old feelings, and it could even trick you into thinking there’s still a chance it will work again. Delete his or her number off your phone, get rid of all emails, texts, voice mails, and if you have to, change your phone number. Don't put too much thought into it, though, just do it. You’ll likely be saving yourself from a lot of pain by not going back into a relationship that didn’t work the first time around.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dating Again

1
Take it slow. There’s no reason to rush back into another serious relationship. Enjoy this time in your life! See what it’s like again going on dates or outings without having relationship issues hanging over your head. Life has seasons to it. Sometimes we’re involved with someone; sometimes we’re not.
- Remind yourself of all the positive aspects of being single. You don’t have to ask another person what they want to do—you can just do it!
- When you're single, you also have more time to hang out with friends.
- Take all the time you need to process what happened and heal from it. If you don’t, you could find yourself in the same kind of unhealthy relationship again.^{[1]
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2
Learn to trust. After you’ve been hurt, fear of trusting another person again is so common that it even has its own name: pistanthrophobia. Granted, it’s a difficult thing to get over. But, if you want to be in a healthy, happy relationship again, you will need to get past it. You can’t cast the blame on the entire male or female population. It’s just not logical or fair.^{[2]
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- If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable again, you could end up hurting yourself in the end, because you might miss out on someone really special.
3
Have faith in your instincts. We are all works in progress, and you probably learned a lot from your previous relationship. What you may have overlooked in the last one, you probably won’t overlook in the next one. Allow your hard-won lessons to guide you when choosing your next partner. More experience in any area helps us tremendously in making better decisions down the road and the area of love is no exception.
4
Don’t have any expectations. Think of a night out or a date as just a few hours of time. It’s not going to necessarily be a life-changing event. It could be tempting to say yes to the first person who comes along, even if you’re not really into him or her. But don’t be so anxious. You can trust that the universe is watching over you.
5
Go on dates with other couples. Let’s face it. When you’re getting to know someone, it can be a little awkward. A great way to combat this is to double-date with other couples you know. Double-dating takes the pressure off of how to keep the conversation flowing between the two of you. Plus, when the person is in the restroom, you can get feedback on what your friends think of him or her!^{[3]
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- The best criteria to picking couples to double-date with are those who are fun, know how to relax and who you’re comfortable around.
6
Refrain from talking about your ex on the first few dates. If you do, no matter what you say, your date is likely to think that you’re not over the relationship. Basically, it’s an unpleasant zone that neither of you owe each other when you’re only in the dating phase. There’s no need to cross that uncomfortable line, otherwise. The time to address past relationships is when you’ve bonded more and established a certain amount of trust.^{[4]
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7
Don’t try to find someone who is like your previous partner. It can be easy to get hung up in trying to find someone with similar traits to him or her. Remember, though, you broke up for a reason and maybe the best thing you can find is someone completely unlike that person! If you try to pigeon-hole someone to look and act like him or her, you could be missing out on a fantastic person! Plus, you want to enjoy yourself on a date, so the more you accept someone for who they are, the more relaxed you’ll both be.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding the Right Person for You

1
Make sure you have exceptional communication skills. Does your potential partner bring you up or bring you down? A good communicator knows how to separate the person from the behavior or issue while being firm on the issue and soft on the person. Someone with poor communication skills does the opposite. She or he “gets personal” by attacking the person and ignores or minimizes the problem.^{[5]
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- Don't get discouraged if the communication isn't perfect at first. A lot of couples have to learn the most effective ways to talk to each other.
2
Take small steps. As the saying goes, “once bitten, twice shy.” You usually need more time to trust after a bad break-up. The right person will understand and appreciate that that’s where you’re at versus running headlong into the first relationship that comes along.^{[6]
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3
Look for someone going in the same direction as you. Opposites might attract but on a fundamental level, they often don’t work. Compatibility is the key to creating a lasting and deep connection with someone. For instance, if you want to prepare for the future, but your partner only wants to make money to party with, then you may want to reconsider a serious relationship with him or her.
4
Trust your gut but use your head. Learn from your past mistakes. Use your best judgment to determine whether he or she is trustworthy. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you when entering into a relationship again. If you feel that you are with someone who can’t be trusted, back-off from making a commitment until you know for sure. It could save you years of heartache!
5
Don’t enter into a relationship if you don’t respect the person. Mutual respect is critical for a healthy relationship. Without it, you will always be looking at him or her with dissatisfaction or even contempt. For example, if the person you’re with always drinks to excess and embarrasses you in front of your family or friends, it will eventually takes its toll on the relationship. The idea is to keep an eye out for behaviors that make you uncomfortable now before getting in too deep. If you’re not comfortable with how he or she is in the early phases, chances are high you won’t be comfortable with this person later on.^{[7]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you stop feeling rejected after a breakup?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try not to look at the breakup as an attack on your character. No one wants to be rejected, and it's almost impossible not to take it personally. However, it's important to remember that someone else's decision is not an indication of who you are. Instead of blaming them and staying stuck, work toward accepting the situation and forgiving the other person. That will empower you to move forward and explore new relationships.