How to Leave a Toxic Relationship with a Child Involved

Written by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC | Edited by Amber Crain

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Leaving a toxic relationship can be difficult, especially when you share a child together. You want to minimize your child's pain, but what's the best approach in this particular situation? In this article, we'll explain everything you need to know about leaving a toxic relationship safely when there's a child involved. We'll also share tips for providing the comfort and stability your child needs to make the transition as painless as possible.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

1

Come up with an exit strategy.

Make safety your top concern. How much planning you need to do depends on your situation. If your relationship is toxic but not physically abusive, make sure you have a place to go and money to survive on. To leave an abusive relationship, you may need to consider other precautions like finding a safe place to go where your ex can't get to you, filing a restraining order, and so on.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Ask yourself questions like:
- Will my partner threaten me or try to stop me when I break it off?
- Will my partner make a fuss if I take the child with me?
- Can my partner be trusted to care for our child in my absence?
- Do I have enough money to provide food and shelter for my child?
- Do I have a place to go where my partner can’t find me?

2

End the relationship as civilly as possible.

Having a conversation is better than leaving without a word. Unless you're in danger or feel unsafe, don't disappear into the night with your child. It's better to express your feelings and formally break up with your toxic partner face-to-face. Set boundaries with your toxic partner so they know what you expect moving forward. A toxic partner might try to guilt or shame you into staying, so make it very clear to them that your mind is made up.^{[2]
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- Let trusted friends or family members know what you’re planning so they can support you. Ask them to check in with you after the conversation to make sure you’re safe.
- If your partner threatens to commit suicide or hurt you if you leave them, call emergency services immediately.

3

Take your child to a shelter if you’re in danger.

A local domestic violence shelter will protect both of you. If you think your partner might get violent, you don't need to inform them that you're leaving. Leave as soon as you get a chance and go to a local domestic violence shelter. You can’t stay there permanently, but you’ll have plenty of time to make a plan. Most shelters also provide useful resources, like legal counseling.^{[3]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If you need advice or help, visit https://www.thehotline.org/ and live chat with a professional. You can also call them at 1-800-799-7233.
- Instead of staying silent, it's a good idea to report domestic violence to the authorities.

4

Be honest with your child about the breakup.

Use age-appropriate language to explain the situation. Ideally, both parents will explain the breakup to the child as a united front, but that’s not always possible. The most important thing is to explain what's happening in a way that will make sense to your child. You don’t need to include a lot of detail at this point; just make it clear that you’re leaving and why.^{[4]
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- If you have a small child, you might say, “Sometimes moms and dads stop loving each another. It's really sad when that happens, but I promise you it’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
- For an older child, you might say, “Your father and I don’t get along, so we aren’t going to live together anymore. But don’t worry, we both love you very much and you’re still going to see both of us.”
- As your child gets older, you can explain the breakup in more detail.

5

Reassure your child that they are not to blame.

Children often assume they’ve done something wrong to cause the split. Start reinforcing that the separation isn’t their fault right away, and continue repeating this to them in the days, weeks, and months after the breakup. It’s really important to make this as clear as possible to help your child transition and adjust to their new reality.^{[5]
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Research source} You can also:
- Answer any questions they have about the breakup.
- Encourage your child to share their feelings with you.
- Remind them that it’s normal to have strong feelings about the breakup.
- Say "I love you" and reassure them that you'll be by their side.

6

Work out visitation details with your ex.

If safety isn’t a concern, let your child see your ex frequently. Regardless of your feelings towards your ex, your child still loves them and deserves to have a relationship with them. Ideally, you and your ex will put your differences aside to figure out visitation details in a civil manner. Your child should be able to see their other parent as often as they like, provided they’ll be safe with them.^{[6]
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- Be sure to explain logistical information, like changes to your child's living arrangements or daily activities. Remember to be as clear as possible, but avoid overloading them with too much detail all at once.^{[7]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}

7

Remind yourself that this is for the best.

Growing up in a toxic environment is very harmful for a child. It’s normal to feel guilty and worry whether you’re doing the right thing for your child. However, most experts agree that it’s better for children to grow up in a stable, single-parent home instead of living in a two-parent household full of conflict and negativity. You may have to remind yourself of this frequently, and that’s okay.^{[8]
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- Experts believe that a couple’s irritation and anger at one another often spills over into their relationships with the kids.^{[9]
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  Greater Good Magazine
  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Start a journal or make a list of all the reasons why you're ending the relationship. That way, you'll always have reminders on hand.^{[10]
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8

Provide a stable routine for your child.

A routine creates a sense of security and makes the transition easier. Make a schedule for their days at home and stick to it as much as possible. If your child is in school, it’s best to keep them at the same school, if possible. Try to limit the amount of change your child is dealing with as much as you can.^{[11]
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- Even simple things, like following the same basic schedule for dinnertime, homework, bath time, etc. can help put your child at ease.
- Maintain the same rules, rewards, and disciplinary measures that your child is used to.^{[12]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}

9

Lean on your trusted friends and family.

Remember that you need support during this time, as well. All breakups are hard, and breaking up with a toxic partner may come with additional challenges. You want to continue being a source of strength for your child, so don’t neglect your own needs. Reach out to friends and family for comfort during this time. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help if you need it.^{[13]
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- If you don’t have any close friends or family that you can talk to, check for breakup/separation/divorce support groups in your area.^{[14]
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  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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10

Avoid speaking negatively about your ex.

Bad-mouthing your ex in front of your child will upset them. It's normal for exes to have grievances and negative feelings toward each other, but keep a lid on those things when your child is around. Don’t criticize your partner or their parenting style in front of your child. Lean on your friends and family if you need to vent; don’t vent to your child about your ex.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}

11

Consider seeing a therapist if you’re struggling.

A professional can help you work through your feelings. Processing emotions after a toxic relationship can be tough. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the breakup or you’re struggling to move on, a therapist can help you understand what you’re going through and share healthy coping strategies.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- To find a therapist in your area, try Googling "mental health professionals + your zip code" or "therapists + your city."
- If you’re having trouble finding a therapist to meet you in person, try reaching out to one online using BetterHelp.

Expert Q&A

Question

What are some signs you're in a toxic relationship?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

One sign of a toxic relationship is that your partner doesn't take accountability for what they do. They may blame someone else for their mistakes, including you. When you bring up issues, your partner might gaslight you or try to make you feel stupid. You might even start to wonder if you're crazy because they make you doubt yourself so much.