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This article was co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP. Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.
This article has been viewed 73,090 times.
If you want to know whether or not your man is the one, then the best thing you can do is listen to your gut. However, sometimes that feeling in your gut isn’t enough, and you need to look for more of the signs that tell you whether you should hit the road or walk down the aisle. At the end of the day, no one can make this decision but you.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Seeing How You Feel
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1Know he’s not the one if you can’t embrace his flaws. Many people have this idea of “the one” as being this perfect, god-like person who will solve all of your problems and make every day of your life a fairy tale. However, the real way to know if you’re with “the one” is to see that you’re with a person you love whose flaws you are able to accept. If you’re able to deal with the loud belching, the bad taste in music, or the messiness of the man you’re with instead of cringing every time he does something you deem imperfect, then he’s the one.
- This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about having him change some of his flaws, like learning to clean up better. But if he’s not the one, then you probably can’t stand his imperfections.
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2Know he’s not the one if you don’t get excited to see him. If you’re with the one, it doesn’t mean you’ll be feeling butterflies 24/7, contrary to what you may think. However, if he’s really not the one for you, then you won’t feel a thing when you get ready to meet him or come home to him. You should feel a sense of excitement and expectation when you’re about to see him or spend time with him if he’s the one.
- If by the third date, you don't feel like you have chemistry, that's a good sign to move on.[1]
- If you don’t feel any kind of joy about seeing him, then you may be looking at him more as a friend, or may just have gotten bored with him.
- The next time you get ready to see him, ask yourself how excited you are. Does your heart race a little? Have you been looking forward to it all day? You don’t have to be over-the-moon happy every single time you hang out, but it should be something you look forward to for sure.
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3Know he’s not the one if you can’t see a future with him in it. If he’s the one, then you should already be thinking about living the rest of your life with him, whether this means getting married, having kids, and all the traditional things, or if it means being life partners and exploring life together. If you look forward a few years, or even think about what you’ll be doing next summer, and can’t imagine him being by your side, then you know he’s not the one.
- Another sign that he’s not the one is that he’s never mentioned a future with you in it. If he gets nervous or changes the subject every time you bring up the future, then it’s a sign that he’s not serious about you.
- Try to imagine your life in ten years, as crazy as that may sound. Does it seem impossible to picture him by your side, or not by your side? If you absolutely can’t see it, then he’s not the one.
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4Know he’s not the one if you don’t feel comfortable around him. If he’s the one, then you should feel like you’re able to be yourself around him, instead of having to dress up or fit a certain role in his life. You should be able to look like yourself, talk like yourself, and express your views without worrying that you’ll upset or disappoint him. Though you can feel a little bit nervous just because you like him, you know he’s not the one if you’re constantly stressed out, anxious, or worrying about how he feels about you.
- If you’re constantly worried that something you say will upset him or set him off, then he’s not the one.
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5Know he’s not the one if you can’t be honest with him. If he’s the one, then you should feel comfortable telling him the truth, whether this means where you’ve been or what your worries about the relationship are. You shouldn’t feel like every little thing you tell him will make him angry, jealous, moody, or just reserved. If he really cares for you, then you should feel like you can tell him anything without making you feel afraid or anxious. If he makes you feel scared every time you want to tell him what’s really on your mind, then he’s not the one.
- If you feel like you have to lie to protect him or to keep him from getting angry, then he’s not the one.
- If you feel like you can open up to him about your doubts and that he will listen and take you seriously, then he may be the one.
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6Know that in the end, only you can know whether or not he’s the one. You can sit down with your best friends and family members and you can go down a million checklists about whether or not he’s the one, but in the end, you’re the only person who can figure this one out. It can be helpful to turn to sources like wikiHow for advice, but at the end of the day, you’ll be the only person to know if the guy is not the one, no matter what anyone else says.
- Remember that what is perfect for your best friend or favorite aunt may not be great for you; people can help you, but they can’t make the decision for you because you’re different people with different needs.
- However, one sign that he may not be the one is that you’re on this page. If you’re already having your doubts about whether or not he’s the one, then you may have a problem.
- As corny as it sounds, you’ll know whether or not he’s the one in your gut. It’s an intuitive feeling that you sometimes can’t explain. There may be a chance that you already know he’s wrong for you in your gut, but are looking for confirmation.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Seeing How He Treats You
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1Know he’s not the one if he’s always flirting with other girls. Everyone flirts a little bit here and there, and if you flirt every once in a while in a harmless way, it’s not the end of the world. However, if your man is constantly flirting with other girls, talking about other girls, and disrespecting you by checking other girls out, then he’s just not the one. You can’t make excuses for him and can’t convince yourself that he doesn’t mean anything by it; if he really cared about you, then he would never show this type of behavior.
- It goes without saying that if he cheats on you, then he’s not the one. It’s one thing if he cheated once and deeply regretted it and you’re working to forgive him and another if he’s a serial cheater. If he repeatedly cheats on you, then the sooner you get out, the better.
- Even if he doesn’t cheat on you and it doesn’t go past flirting, the fact that he would do it in front of you or in front of your friends is a sign of major disrespect.
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2Know he’s not the one if he doesn’t want to be seen with you. If he’s the one, then he should be proud to show you off, to hold your hand or have his arm around you in public, and to spend time with you when he’s also with his friends or family. If he always makes up excuses about hanging out in public or having you meet his friends, then he’s not looking for a serious relationship. If he’s eager to hang out in your bedroom but won’t go to the movies with you, then he’s not the one.
- Don’t make excuses for him or think he’s really busy when he doesn’t want to go out with you. If he really cared, he’d make the effort.
- If you’ve been seeing each other for a long time and he’s never mentioned going out and meeting his friends, then he doesn’t take you seriously.
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3Know he’s not the one if he’s not willing to change. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should make him change who he is, but that, if there’s certain behavior you’d like him to change, such as flirting with other girls or not calling you back, that he should be willing to do that for you. If he’s stubborn and absolutely refuses to change in ways that would make him a more caring, considerate boyfriend, then he’s not the one.
- It’s not easy for a man to change, but he should at least be open to a conversation about it. If he gets angry if you even mention something you’d like him to change, then he’s not the one.
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4Know he’s not the one if he doesn’t respect your hobbies, goals, and dreams. If he’s the one, then he should respect your love for running, your hard work in nursing school, or all the time you spend writing songs. He doesn’t have to participate in all of these hobbies, but he should ask you about them and be impressed that you’re putting in the effort and that you care so much. If he’s the one, then he should be appreciative of the person who you are and the person you want to be.
- If he puts down your hobbies and makes you feel like they’re not important, then he’s not the one.
- If he puts down your goals and makes you feel like you can’t achieve them, then he’s not the one.
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5Know he’s not the one if he can’t be honest with you. This is one of the most important signs that he’s just not the one. If he can’t go an hour without lying to you and you find yourself constantly catching him in a lie, then he’s not the one. If he lies about everything from where he’s been to what he had for lunch, then it’s a sign that he’s keeping secrets from you and that he can’t be trusted. If he lies to you, then he’s just not the one.
- If you have evidence that he’s been lying and he denies it when you call him out on it, then that’s a red flag, too.
- If he respects you, then he should give you his honesty instead of making you look like a fool. Think about it. If he was really the one, would he feel the need to be dishonest?
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6Know he’s not the one if he’s not there for the hard times. If he’s really the one, then he’ll be there for you when the going gets tough just as much as he would when you were having the time of your life. If he’s there for the parties and the fun road trips and falls off the radar the second your grandmother gets sick, then there’s no excuse for it—he’s just not the one. True love means being with a person through the good times and the bad, and if he flees the scene every time you’re struggling, then he’s not the one.
- Sure, he may be the perfect gentleman when you’re on a fun date or just chatting over the phone. But if he has nothing to say or has to go when you’re having a family crisis or lost your job, then he’s not the one. You can find someone who will be there for the hardship, too.
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7Know he’s not ever the one if he’s abusive. If your man is abusive, then there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it—you have to get out of the relationship, and fast. There is no making excuses like, “He’ll never do it again” or “He really loves me, he just has a lot of problems,” when it comes to physical or emotional abusive. If he puts a hand on you and hurts you, then he is definitely not the one, and you should get out of the relationship as soon as you can.
- Nobody said it was easy to leave a man who is abusive, especially if you’re afraid of leaving him. However, you need to talk to your friends and family and get some help in leaving him as soon as you can and as safely as possible.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Seeing How You Are Together
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1Know he’s not the one if he’s not your best friend. If he’s the one, then you should come to think of him as your best friend, as the person that you can tell anything and the one you feel the most comfortable opening up to. If this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you should feel this way. Of course, if you have many close friends, then it can take a while to get here, but this is the feeling you have about him.
- If you feel like he’s your romantic partner but like you can’t really open up to him, then he’s not the one.
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2Know he’s not the one if you can barely communicate. Everyone has communication problems, but if you feel like you and the guy can barely talk to each other without fighting or misunderstanding each other, then he’s not the one. If he gets angry every time you try to have a serious conversation, then he’s not the one, because he’s not willing to have an open, honest relationship with you.
- If you avoid bringing up serious topics or things that are bothering you because you know he won’t do anything about it, then he’s not the one.
- If you feel like he barely listens to you or even looks at you when you try to tell him something important, then he’s not the one.
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3Know he’s not the one if he doesn’t get along with your friends and family. You may not think this a big deal when you first start dating each other, but once you’ve been together for a long time, it’s important that your man gets along with your friends and family. These are the closest people to you and they share at least some of your values, and if he can’t get along with a single one of them and doesn’t even try, then he’s not the one.
- Of course, it may not be possible for him to get on with your friends and family 100%, and there may be a few people he just can’t click with. You may also have a particularly difficult family to please, and that’s fine. The most important thing is that he makes an effort—if he doesn’t get along with the people you care about and seems fine with it, then he’s not the one.
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4Know he’s not the one if you’re not better together. The best part about being in a meaningful relationship with your soul mate is that you really do complete each other in some way and make each other feel better when you’re together. Your man should make you feel like a better person and should encourage you to grow and reach your potential. If you feel like he puts you down and makes you worse instead of better, then he’s not the one.
- Think about how you’ve changed since meeting him. Have you become more driven, more motivated, or just a happier person, or have you started feeling more down on yourself and less capable of fulfilling your potential? If he’s slowed you down, then he’s not the one.
- Of course, it’s important that you encourage him to be better, too.
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5Know he’s not the one if he doesn’t share your values. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then you have to make sure you see eye to eye on a lot of things. This doesn’t mean you have to share the same religion or the same political affiliation, and there’s something to be said for opposites attracting, but if you feel like his take on the world is so different from yours that you can’t see eye to eye on a single thing, then he’s not the one.
- If you’re a true optimist and he is always complaining and bringing you down and can’t find something to be happy about, then he can still be the one, but you have to ask yourself if this is something you’re willing to take for the rest of your life.
- If you believe in charity and helping others, while he thinks it’s a waste of time, then you have to think about how important this is to you.
- Though political affiliation alone isn’t a reason for a break-up, if being a liberal is very important to you and is a big part of who you are, then you may need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life who is opposed to so many of your ideas.
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6Know he’s not the one if he doesn’t love you for who you are. This is the bottom line. If he’s the one, then he should love and appreciate the person who you are. He shouldn’t tell you he wishes you were skinnier, dressed more sexy, talked less, or stopped doing the things you care about. Though you can work on growing together and addressing your mutual flaws, he should like who you are at your core and should encourage you to be the person you want to be instead of trying to change you.
- If he doesn’t really get you, criticizes you for having opinions or wanting things that are different from what he wants, then he’s just not the one.
- If you find yourself trying to change just to please him, then he’s not the one.
- If he doesn’t give you the basic respect you deserve, then he is not the one.
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Warnings
- If you're in an abusive relationship, then get out immediately.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ Chris Willatt. House Cleaning Professional. Expert Interview. 1 July 2019.
About This Article
Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
This article was co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP. Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University. This article has been viewed 73,090 times.
Co-authors: 11
Updated: August 20, 2021
Views: 73,090
Categories: Relationships
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