How Long Should a Couple Go Without Having Sex? Your Questions Answered

How sex impacts relationships and why you might be in a sexless marriage

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

How long is too long?

|

Why Sex Is So Important

|

Why Sex Declines over Time

|

Problems That Can Arise without Sex

|

Is a sexless marriage okay?

|

Expert Interview

|

Expert Q&A

|

Tips

In long-term relationships, sex can ebb and flow, and it’s totally normal if you and your partner go weeks (or even months) without a sexual encounter. But as the days stack up, you might find yourself asking: how long is too long without sex? Is something wrong with our relationship if we don’t have sex often? And what does lack of sex in a relationship mean? We’ve answered all your questions and more about sexuality and partnerships so you can get some peace of mind about your sex life.

Things You Should Know

Every couple is different, and as long as you’re both happy, there’s no right answer to how long is too long without sex.
Sex is a bonding activity, and many couples find that it brings them closer together.
Sex might decline in a relationship due to having children, mismatched libidos, or even aging.
Being in a sexless marriage can work as long as both partners are happy with it. If you’re not, talk to your partner about your sex life.

Section 1 of 5:

How long is too long?

As long as you communicate with your partner, there’s no right answer to this. For some couples, having sex every day is the norm. For other couples, once or twice a month might be their sweet spot.^{[1]
X
Research source} The important part here is to talk with your partner about their preferences and your own preferences. On average, most couples have sex about once a week.
- If you or your partner is going through something (loss of a loved one, depression, high stress levels, etc.), sex might temporarily take a backseat. Rest assured that once you’re both feeling normal again, your sex life will likely improve.
- If sex is on the backburner right now, focus on building intimacy in other ways. Cuddle with each other, have deep conversations, and stay connected as a couple.

Section 2 of 5:

Why Sex Is So Important

Sex is bonding and brings you two closer together. When you have sex in a relationship, it’s a great way to build intimacy and feel closer to your partner. While sex definitely isn’t the only way to build a healthy relationship, many people find that an active sex life improves their relationship with their partner.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Sex has other, individual health benefits, too. Studies have shown that sex can lower your blood pressure, relieve pain, and even help you sleep.

Section 3 of 5:

Why Sex Declines over Time

1
Children and other responsibilities As your relationship progresses, you both have more on your plate. Raising children is very stressful, and lots of parents find that their sex life declines after introducing a child (or children) into the mix.^{[3]
X
Research source} Even if you don’t have children, work and other responsibilities can leave you feeling drained and too tired to have sex.
2
End of the honeymoon period The honeymoon period is the stage when everything in the relationship is new and exciting. As that stage winds down (usually after 1 year or so), you might find that your sex life becomes a little more routine. This can cause it to slow down, and in turn, lead to having less sex.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- While the end of the honeymoon period can sound a little sad, it just means that you and your partner are truly close and connected. Instead of discovering new things about each other, you can now grow and evolve together as a couple.
3
Libido mismatch When one partner has a high libido (wanting sex more often) and the other partner has a low libido (wanting sex less often), your sex life might slow down.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} While it is totally possible to have a fulfilling relationship with 2 different libidos, it’s important to talk to your partner and make your needs known so that you’re both happy.
4
Menopause or aging Both menopause and getting older can have an effect on your hormones, making your libido lower.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source} As you and your partner grow old, you might find that one or both of you is less interested in having sex.
5
Mental health or self-esteem issues Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and tons of other mental health problems can lead to a lowered sex drive.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} It’s possible that you or your partner might be struggling with a new or recurring issue, which is affecting your sex life.
- Certain medications for mental health issues can also lower your libido, leading to a lowered desire for sex.
6
Lack of respect or trust in a partner If either you or your partner is not happy in the relationship, that could be a reason why your sex life is on the decline. Think about your relationship as a whole: are you having problems or fighting a lot? If so, try working on those issues before addressing your lack of sex.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- If you’ve tried working through your problems together and aren’t making much headway, consider seeing a couple’s counselor. They can give you an unbiased, third-party perspective as well as tools to repair your relationship.

Section 4 of 5:

Problems That Can Arise without Sex

1
Negative feelings about the relationship When you’re in a relationship that doesn’t include sex, it can cause you to question a lot of things. You might wonder whether you’re a good partner or not, whether this is the right relationship for you, or whether you’re happy in this relationship. Over time, these thoughts can get louder, and can even lead to ending the relationship.^{[9]
X
Research source}
2
Unhappiness about sex itself Even if you do still have sex occasionally, it might not be the most satisfying. Whether that’s because your partner isn’t putting in enough effort or because you’re just waiting for your sex life to dwindle again, you may find that you aren’t finding satisfaction in sex like you used to.^{[10]
X
Research source}
3
Exacerbates other relationship problems Many couples find that sex brings them closer together and strengthens their bond. If you aren’t having sex, you might find that your relationship problems seem even larger. This is because you’re missing that key bonding experience that you’ve learned to love.^{[11]
X
Research source}

Section 5 of 5:

Is a sexless marriage okay?

A sexless marriage is fine as long as both partners are happy with it. There are many reasons why you might be in a sexless marriage, including asexuality, religious practices, avoiding pregnancy, or equally low sex drives. If you and your partner have sex infrequently and you’re both content, then your relationship doesn’t need to change.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- If you’re in a sexless marriage and you’re not happy with it, open the line of communication by talking with your partner. Use “I” statements to start a discussion without making your partner feel attacked.
- If you’ve tried talking to your partner about sex and it’s not productive, consider seeing a couple’s counselor. Someone who specializes in relationships will help you navigate discussions about sex.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it possible to be in a romantic relationship without sex?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! It can be nice, even, to lead a relationship with more emotional intimacy than physical intimacy. Ultimately though, there might be some deeper questions to ask about the relationship, like whether certain factors are influencing the couple's decision to not have sex.