How to Hook Up with a Friend

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: January 19, 2023 References

Hooking up with a friend can be a lot of fun. After all, you already know you like them! Before you hook up, just be clear about what your expectations and boundaries are. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation. Just let your friend know what you’re interested in. Start flirting with them, and if they seem into it, see where things go. Remember that it’s important to protect both your emotional and physical safety. You can do that by being honest and keeping lines of communication open. Also, remember to have fun!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Pursuing a Casual Hook Up

1
Decide if you are okay with an informal sexual relationship. Hooking up may sound fun and easy, but it rarely comes without emotions. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and hook up without really thinking it through. But try to think clearly about how you will feel the next day. If you anticipate feeling good about your decision, go for it!^{[1]
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- If you feel like you might get embarrassed, feel awkward, or any other negative emotion, consider not hooking up with your friend.
- It’s normal to have a lot of different feelings after you hook up with someone. That’s okay! Just know going into it that a casual hook up is sometimes just a 1-time thing.
2
Let your friends know that you are looking for something casual. You don’t have to tell everyone you know, but telling a few people that you are looking for some casual fun can help set you up for success. Hopefully, if you’re interested in a particular friend, the word will get back to them. If you’re open to a friendly hook up with a couple of different people, this might inspire one of them to approach you. It will also be easier for you to suggest a hookup if your friend already knows you’re open to it. They’ll likely be less surprised.^{[2]
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- When you’re out with a group you can drop this information into the conversation. Try, “Sounds like you had fun last weekend! I’d love to have a no-strings-attached thing like that with someone cool.”
3
Talk to your friend about your expectations. Before hooking up, take a minute to explain to your friend what you want.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} This doesn’t have to be a long, in-depth talk. But before things get physical, make it clear that you are looking for a casual hook up, not a relationship.^{[4]
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- You could try, “I’m really into you, but before we go any further, you should know that I’m not looking to date you. Is it okay with you if this is just some casual fun?”^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
4
Clearly state your boundaries to avoid feeling uncomfortable.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Let the other person know if there are things that you are not comfortable with. This might include physical acts or talking to others about the hook up. If you state your boundaries upfront, this can prevent things feeling awkward mid-hookup.^{[7]
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- Say something like, “I’m into hooking up with you, but I’m not into actually having sex, okay?”
- You could also try, “Can we keep this between the 2 of us, please?”
5
Tell someone where you’ll be as a safety measure. Even when you’re hooking up with a friend, you need to take steps to ensure your personal safety. Let a friend know where you’ll be, who you’re with, and ask if they can check in on you at a certain time. It’s always better to be safe than sorry! This is especially important if you’ve been drinking alcohol since that can impair your judgment.^{[8]
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- Send a close friend a text that says something like, “Hey, I’m leaving this party to go to Brad’s. He and I are going to hang by ourselves for a while. Would you mind checking in with me around midnight to make sure I made it home okay?”
- Even if you’re not planning on hooking up, it’s a good idea to let someone know where you are whenever you’re out at night or venture away from the group you went out with.
6
Practice safe sex to avoid STDs or unwanted pregnancy. If you want a hook up to just be fun and casual, take care to make sure that you aren’t left with any unwanted effects. Use condoms if you intend to have sex, even oral sex. If you’re female, you might consider taking additional birth control.^{[9]
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- If the other person doesn’t want to use a condom, it’s probably not a good idea to hook up with them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Starting a Friends with Benefits Relationship

1
Choose a friend that you don't want a relationship with.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} If you’ve been harboring a crush on one of your friends, it might sound like a good idea to try to hook up with them. But remember, a friends with benefits relationship might not go any farther than that. If you’re actually interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, try to date them instead of just starting a hook up relationship. Instead, try flirting with a friend that you like, but don’t want a more traditional relationship with.^{[11]
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- If you have a crush on someone in your friend group, you might think twice before hooking up with another mutual friend. The word might spread, and then your crush will never know you’re interested in them.
2
Flirt with your friend so that they know you are interested. It can be hard to transition out of the “friend zone”, so you’ll need to make an effort to send signals to your friend. Try holding their eye contact for just a moment or so longer than normal so that they are sure to notice you. You can also find ways to initiate physical contact. Try leaning forward and touching their hand to emphasize a point they are making. You can also gently brush your foot against theirs if you’re sitting next to each other.^{[12]
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- You can also try sending a flirty text like, “I couldn’t help but notice you looked great tonight. Can’t wait to see you at the party tomorrow!”, or similar.
- If your friend pulls away from you, or seems offended or uninterested, back off. You don’t want to put any pressure on them.
3
Talk openly about your boundaries and expectations.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Maybe things will go your way right off the bat. Before you know it, you and your friend might be kissing. But before it goes any further, take a minute to let them know what you are looking for. Explain what your personal and physical boundaries, and what you want to get from hooking up with them.^{[14]
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- You can say, “This is fun. Just so you know, I’m not looking to really date anyone right now. Are you fine hooking up as friends?”
- You could also say, “I like my own space, so if you don’t mind, I don’t like to have people sleep over.”
- Another good thing to explain is if you would prefer if they don’t hook up with anyone else while you two are intimate.
4
Use humor to combat any awkwardness. Even though you know each other, it might feel uncomfortable when you first get physical. Try joking around to lighten the mood. You can also just acknowledge any discomfort that you might feel.^{[15]
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- You could say something silly like, “I would have done this sooner if I knew kissing you would be like this!”
- You can also just say, “Um, I’m enjoying this a lot, but it’s a little awkward, isn’t it?” That can really lighten the mood.
5
Accept “no” as an answer if the other person is not interested. If you’ve flirted and maybe even suggested a hook up, you might assume your friend is into it. However, if they say “no” or make any other sort of excuse, you need to respect that. While you might feel disappointed, your friend has a right to make this decision.^{[16]
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- Be gracious and just say, “That’s cool. I hope this won’t hurt our friendship.”
6
Understand that hooking up can change your friendship. Before hooking up, reflect on your friendship. Ask yourself questions about how you would feel if it changed, and what it means to you.^{[17]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.} If you decide that you aren’t willing to risk your friendship, consider finding someone else to hook up with. For better or worse, your friendship will probably be different than it was pre-hookup.^{[18]
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- You might discover that this is a fun, exciting new element of your friendship that makes you even closer. It could also turn into a more traditional relationship.^{[19]
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  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.}
- Unfortunately, it might turn out to be awkward and uncomfortable. Even worse, it could potentially end your friendship. Be prepared to deal with that it you go forward with hooking up.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Communicating After You Hook Up

1
Check-in with your own emotions frequently.^{[20]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} As your hook up relationship continues, it’s important to make sure that you are still comfortable and enjoying yourself. Take stock of your emotions regularly, maybe every week or two. Ask yourself if you’re happy with the way your friendship has changed. Make it a point to notice if you feel sad or uncomfortable.^{[21]
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- If you’re happy, great! Carry on. If you’re experiencing negative emotions, you might consider stopping hooking up.
2
Talk honestly about your feelings. Even though you and your friend aren’t in a traditional relationship, it’s still helpful to communicate. This can help you both work through any issues that you’re having.^{[22]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.} Whenever you feel the need, let the other person know how this is working out for you.^{[23]
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- You can try saying something like, “I’m really having fun with you. How are you feeling about hooking up?”
- You could also say, “I feel like things are kind of awkward now when we hang out in a group. I think we should stop hooking up.”
3
Allow a relationship to develop if you both want it to. You might realize that you are interested in being more than friends with benefits. If that’s the case, tell your friend how you feel. Likewise, be open and honest if your friend initiates the conversation about taking things further.^{[24]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.} If you both want more, discuss what that means to each of you.^{[25]
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- For example, you might both decide that you want to formalize your relationship. That might mean that you tell other people that you are dating. It could also mean that you start spending more time together doing other things you enjoy.
- Your relationship is up to you and your friend, and you are the only ones that have the right to define it.