How to Approach a Girl if You're Shy and Don't Know What to Say

Co-authored by Imad Jbara

Last Updated: February 13, 2023 References Approved

Being shy isn’t unusual but it can make it difficult to approach the girl you have a crush on. Instead of allowing your fear of rejection to prevent you from approaching your crush, you can work to overcome your insecurities and make yourself a confident conversationalist. Approach your concerns about not knowing what to say to your crush like you might approach any problem and you can find your fears are easy to overcome.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Engaging Strangers

1
Practice by talking to people in stores. An important step in overcoming your shyness is practicing with other people to increase your comfort with conversations. There are many scenarios in which you can interact with strangers in a pleasant and pressure free environment to develop your social confidence.^{[1]
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- Approach customer service associates at retail stores to ask for help finding something or to ask an opinion on a product.
- Say hi to cashiers when cashing out at the grocery store and ask them how their day has been going.
- Be polite but be brief. The intention is not to strike up a long lasting conversation but rather to develop experience interacting with people you don’t already know.
2
Move on to small interactions. Once you have strengthened your social skills through brief conversations with strangers, you can move on to having interactions with other people that aren’t necessarily the girl you like. By starting with other people, the pressure won’t be as great as you don’t need to worry about the possibility of rejection.^{[2]
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- Approach people at work or in social occasions that aren’t the girl you like so you can get practice making conversation with people.
- Comment on something to engage people in conversation. Try approaching someone at a party and saying, “do you know who plays this song? I really like it.”
- Approach someone at work or school to discuss a recent assignment and steer the conversation toward more personal matters. Try saying something like, “I was going to start working on that last night but then I got caught up in a great show about dolphins.”
- Practicing conversations in low pressure environments can help you overcome the fear of rejection and get more comfortable talking to people.
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3
Smile and make eye contact. Regardless of who you are talking to, smiling can make you seem friendlier and more personable. Making occasional eye contact can demonstrate your confidence, but avoid making prolonged eye contact as that can be unnerving to some people.^{[3]
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- Practice smiling and looking people in the eye when you introduce yourself. It may be difficult at first but doing so can make you seem friendly and confident, which are both things girls often find attractive.
- Smiling can also serve to make you feel better about the situation that you’re in. Studies have shown that smiling alters the chemicals in your brain to make you feel happier and more confident.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Approaching the Girl You Like

1
Don't approach her if she's clearly busy or distracted. Different environments can make the girl you like more or less apt to be willing to have a conversation with you. If you interrupt her while she’s doing something she feels is important or if it’s clear that she would rather not be bothered right now, she probably won’t react well to you introducing yourself.^{[5]
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- If the girl you like is in the middle of a conversation with other people, looks deeply focused on what she is doing, or has headphones in she may not want to be bothered. You should consider approaching her at a later time.
- Places like bars, coffee shops, book stores or even the gym may be good places to strike up a conversation. Many people go to such places for the social element and she may be expecting to talk to people while there.
2
Approach her soon after you make eye contact. If you and your crush meet eyes from across the room, approach her soon thereafter. If you look at her for a long time before approaching you may make her feel uncomfortable.^{[6]
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- Looking at someone from a distance for a long time without approaching may make you seem creepy rather than friendly.
- Your conversation should seem impromptu rather than planned, so allow making eye contact from across the room to be the catalyst that made you want to strike up a conversation.
- Approach her and say hi, then introduce yourself the way you’ve practiced.
3
Give your conversation purpose. Don’t simply introduce yourself and allow the conversation to fizzle out immediately. Try making a friendly observation that invites her to continue the conversation if she’s interested in doing so.
- You could try being direct in your conversation. Start by saying something like, “I noticed you from across the room and knew if I didn’t introduce myself I’d be kicking myself all day.”
- You could ask her a social favor like, “Hi, I’m new here and don’t really know anyone. Would you mind if I talked to you for a minute?”
- If you already know each other loosely you may want to bring up a class you were in together or a party you both attended.
4
Embrace your shyness when you speak to her. No matter how much you practice, you still may get nervous talking to your crush. If you are nervous, don’t hope she won’t notice because she likely will. Instead get out in front of your nervousness by addressing it in conversation.^{[7]
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- Say something like, “I’m always so nervous when I meet new people!”
- If you want to compliment her you could say, “I can’t help but be a bit nervous when I’m talking to such a pretty girl.”
5
Ask questions or make observations to keep the conversation from dying. After you’ve sparked a conversation with the girl you like, you may find it starting to fizzle out quickly. That doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t interested, so use questions about her and observations about things going on around you to fill awkward gaps.
- Ask her to elaborate on a statement she recently made. If she mentioned that she moved to the area recently, for instance, ask her about where she used to live by saying something like, “did your last town have a good nightlife?” Her response will help let you know what sorts of things she enjoys doing when she goes out.
- Try pointing out something interesting that is going on around you. If you are in school, bring up a nearby teacher and ask if she’s had any classes with him yet, then offer your opinion on that teacher. Try saying something like, “have you had a class with Mr. Thompson yet? He’s good, but he really loads on the homework.”
6
Be yourself. You may be tempted to lie or act like someone you aren’t to seem cooler or more confident in front of your crush, but remember that if you were ever to end up in a relationship with her you would want it to be based on honesty.
- If she doesn’t seem interested, that may be hard to swallow but at least it won’t be because you were trying to be something that you’re not.
- If she responds well, you know that you can be yourself with her and that’s a great place to start a relationship.
7
Ask for a way to reach out to her. If she seems as though she’s interested in you, the conversation will likely progress well. Take advantage of the situation by asking if it would be okay for you to call her or add her on social media.^{[8]
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- Asking for a phone number often seems flirtatious in nature, so it may be easier or more casual to ask if you can add her on social media if you’re unsure of her level of interest.
- Try saying something like, “would you mind if I gave you a call sometime?”
- If you would rather use social media, bring it up casually by asking if she uses the platform of your choice. Try saying something like, “are you on Facebook?” If she says yes, respond by saying, “would you mind if I sent you a friend request?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Combatting Your Shyness

1
Approach shyness like any other problem. Being shy is an emotional obstacle that you can overcome with effort and practice. If you needed to lose weight, you would create a plan to follow a diet and exercise. To overcome shyness, you can also create a plan.^{[9]
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- Come up with a plan to help yourself overcome your fear of talking to a girl you like.
- Use the plan to create short term goals that culminate in being comfortable approaching her.
2
Practice at home. The first step in your plan to overcome your shyness should be to practice engaging with people at home. Get comfortable saying things out loud like introducing yourself or giving a pleasant greeting.^{[10]
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- Practice can make giving a greeting or an introduction a matter of muscle memory, so you don’t really have to think about it when meeting with people in person.
- Practice in front a mirror so you can see what you look like when you interact and make adjustments to present a more confident demeanor.
3
Re-frame your idea of rejection. Shyness often comes from a fear of being rejected. It’s perfectly natural to take rejection personally, but that doesn’t mean that you should. Instead of thinking of rejection as a personal failure, see it for what it really is: a learning experience.^{[11]
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- More often than not, being rejected has less to do with you than it does with the other person. People have bad days, experience bad moods, or struggle with their own insecurities when it comes to dealing with others.
- Rejection won’t kill you. In fact, if you adopt the right perspective, it may not even hurt. Instead of seeing rejection as a failure, see it as a chance to learn from your experience and develop a better understanding of how to interact with others.
4
Stop trying to predict the future. A fear of rejection comes from the common practice of trying to predict how events will occur before you experience them. Humans developed the ability to imagine worst-case scenarios as a survival skill, but this trait can be difficult to overcome in situations where danger isn’t a factor.^{[12]
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- Don’t allow yourself to ruminate on all the ways approaching a girl you like could go wrong.
- If you can’t help but imagine the ways a social interaction may go, try to focus on imagining it going well. This can increase your confidence and make you come off as a more self-assured person.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you talk to a girl without being shy?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Humor is a great way to strike up a conversation. If you're a guy and you see a girl you want to talk to, for instance, you might say, "Oh thank goodness I didn't wear that same skirt today!" Another great way to start a conversation is with a compliment. Try to compliment the person on something more than just their looks—it's better to choose something like their personality or what they're wearing. For instance, you might say, "I can tell you're really fun to be around." If you're in a mall or a shop, you might say something like, "Excuse me, what's your favorite ice cream?" Then, pick the opposite of whatever they suggest. That will create tension, and you can use that to build a conversation.
Question

How do you start a conversation with a girl if you are shy?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

There are many ways to strike up a conversation. For a direct approach, just walk up and introduce yourself by saying something like, "Hi, I'm Adam." It's simple and straight to the point, and you can just be yourself. You could also start a conversation with a question. Ask something like, "Hey, do you know if there's a Starbucks around here?" Then, you can build your conversation off of their answer.
Question

I'm 14 and my crush is extremely hot. Sometimes I think she's too hot for me. I went skating so I could meet her, and when I saw her I just froze. I was so nervous and I did not know what to say to her. What do I do?

Jmarinehart

Community Answer

Just be confident and humble. Sometimes waiting boosts your confidence, while some may find it demoralizing. Also, you don't have to ask her out outside of school, although if it is in school, make sure it's private. A tactic that is also helpful is practicing on a similarly aged female friend.