Listening to a friend vent about their bad marriage can take its toll—but how do you help them out without pushing them away? Figuring out what to say and how to say it is important, especially if your friend has no plans of leaving their spouse. In this article, we’ve detailed the specific ways you can support your friend who’s in a tough marriage without overstepping your boundaries.

1

Be a good listener.

  1. Put down any distractions and focus your full attention on what your friend is saying. Nod along with their words, and ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand something. Let your friend talk uninterrupted, and keep the focus on them instead of yourself. It will make them feel heard, and they’ll know that they can trust you with their problems.[1] [2]
    • As your friend talks, say things like, “I’m sorry to hear that,” and, “Can you tell me more?” so they know you’re listening.
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3

Keep the focus on them, not their partner.

  1. Let your friend know that you want to talk about them, not their spouse. This will help them feel more comfortable talking to you, and it lets them know that you care about how they’re feeling. Ask them how they’re coping with these tough times, what they’re doing to care for themselves, and if they need any help. Try things like:[4]
    • “Are you okay? That sounds really tough. I’m always here to talk if you need me.”
    • “Do you need any help this week? It sounds like you’re going through a lot.”
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4

Offer advice if your friend wants it.

  1. That way, you don’t overload them with information. Sometimes people are just venting, while other times they actually want advice on what they should do. To avoid overstepping your bounds, only offer your opinion if your friend asks. That way, they won’t get offended, and your friendship will remain solid no matter what.[5] [6]
    • If you really aren’t sure what your friend needs right now, feel free to ask. Say something like, “Are you just venting, or do you want some advice?”
    • Remember—it's okay if you can't "fix" the problem! A lot of times, people just want to be heard.[7]
5

Remind your friend that they deserve a good partner.

  1. It can be easy to forget that we don’t deserve bad treatment. If your friend has been putting up with a bad marriage for a long time, try to gently remind them that they deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. You don’t need to talk badly about their spouse, but you can remind them of how much happier they used to be. Say something like:[8]
    • “We all deserve to be in relationships that make us feel good. I’m sorry that yours isn’t that way right now.”
    • “You really don’t deserve to be in a marriage that makes you feel so awful.”
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7

Tell your friend how concerned you are.

  1. This is a good way to let them know that they deserve better. This can feel a little strange at first, but it’s a nice way to remind your friend that what they’re going through isn’t normal. You can express that when they tell you all of the awful things that their spouse does to them, you feel sad, upset, and hurt. Try something like:[10]
    • “I get scared thinking about what might happen to you.”
    • “I feel so sad when you share things like this.”
    • “I’m worried about your mental health.”
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    What do you say to someone who is struggling in their marriage?
    Michael Dickerson, PsyD
    Michael Dickerson, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.
    Michael Dickerson, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Remind them that you're here to listen, and be open and understanding as they share their struggles with you. If you've gone through something similar, feel free to share that experience with them—self disclosure feels more comfortable when it goes both ways.
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About This Article

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Michael Dickerson, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA. This article has been viewed 6,656 times.
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Co-authors: 3
Updated: June 11, 2022
Views: 6,656
Categories: Relationships
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