How to Help a Child Cope with a No‐Show Parent

Allow your child to talk. Validate the child’s experience by listening to them, allowing them time and space to react, and accepting their feelings. A child should know it’s okay to feel sad, upset, angry, frustrated, let down, or confused. Help them identify their emotions and express them in healthy ways. Let them know it’s okay to express these feelings and that you are listening.

• Help a child to identify feelings by saying, “I know this is upsetting” or, “I can tell you’re really sad and disappointed because you wanted to see your parent.”

Say that it’s okay to cry. Some parents may instinctively say, “Oh honey, don’t cry” or, “You don’t need to cry,” yet, it’s important for children to express their emotions. Crying is one way that children can express themselves and feel relieved. Unlike hitting or becoming aggressive, tears can flush emotions in a safe and harmless way. If your child cries, let them know that it’s safe and okay to cry.^[5]

• Even if you feel uncomfortable, allow the child to cry and experience the sadness or grief they feel.

Show understanding. If a child is frustrated and upset, let them know that you understand. Bypass the blame and instead model acceptance and understanding. Acknowledge the child’s feelings and the parent’s actions without judgment or finger pointing. When children get older, they want to know why their parent won’t come. Let the child know that they are loved, even when the parent doesn’t show. ^[6]

• Say, “I am sorry that your parent is not here right now. I am here for you, if you would like to talk about it."

Address inconsistency with the parent. If you are the parent of the child, have a talk with the other parent. Taking care of a child has nothing to do with your past relationship and has everything to do with meeting the needs of your child. Ask them what happened and if there are problems that interfere with seeing your child. Are there logistical problems you need to address? Would a reminder be helpful? Remind yourself that it’s important to your child to have their parent in their life and be willing to make some accommodations.^[7]

• Create some boundaries or alternate arrangements to accommodate both of you. For example, find a meeting place that is neutral and convenient for both of you.
• If the other parent is not showing consistency in showing up, ask what ways you can show help. Say, “I’ve noticed you’ve missed some time with our child, and I want to know if there’s anything I can do to make this easier for you or if there’s a way for us to simplify our arrangements.”

Handle the inconsistency with the child. Holding firm expectations for a parent to show up who has an inconsistent track record is going to lead to disappointment and anger. If a parent has shown inconsistency, take some action on your end to address this appropriately with your child. The cycle of anticipation and excitement followed by disappointment and anger can hurt a child significantly, so think about alternative options for your child. However, don’t use this as an opportunity to put down their parent by saying, “Let’s see if your parent comes this year” or, “Don’t get your hopes up because they rarely visit.”^[8]

• For a young child, let any visits be a happy surprise for your child. Instead of packing their bags and having them wait by the door or the window, let the visits be fun and exciting surprises for your child and not massive disappointments when there’s a no-show. Say, “Wow, look who came to visit! What a surprise! Let’s get you ready.”
• For the older child, be casual by saying, “Your parent may come by later if they can make it.” By this point, they may recognize the inconsistency and learn not to count on their parent.