How to Deal with Your Spouse Remaining Involved with Previous Stepkids

Even after divorcing a former spouse, your partner may maintain a relationship with their stepkids. Stepchildren often bond with a stepparent and parent/child relationships do not always end when parents split. If your spouse is still close to their stepchildren from a previous marriage, talk about what kind of relationship you should have in the stepchildren's lives. Your spouse may want you to form a relationship with the stepchildren. They may also simply want space to maintain their relationship with their stepkids. Manage your own emotions. You may feel frustrated and insecure at times, especially if boundaries are violated, but try to manage emotions calmly. If conflicts arrive, talk things over with everyone involved. Try to smooth over disagreements to keep the relationship strong over time.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Bonding with Your Spouse's Stepkids

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    Talk over intentions and expectations with your spouse. It's sometimes uncertain what role the new spouse will play in the life of stepchildren. There are often different intentions and expectations between spouses in regards to stepchildren. You may, for example, feel it's appropriate for you to play a minimal role in stepchildren's lives, as you have no personal connection with them. Your spouse, however, may expect you to commit more to their stepchildren.[1]
    • Early on, talk over what role, if any, you should have in your spouse's stepchildren's lives. Your spouse may want to have contact with them on their own and not expect you to join. However, your spouse may want you to make an effort to get to know their stepchildren.
    • If you have different expectations or intentions, talk it out. Try to find a middle ground. For example, you don't want to be involved at all, but your spouse wants you very involved. Maybe you could agree to spending time with the stepchildren once in awhile, but having your spouse prioritize their relationship with them more.
    • These sets of relationships can become complicated. If you can't come to an agreement, it's a good idea to talk things over with a therapist.
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    Establish your role in the children's lives. Think about who you will be to the stepchildren. Will you be a friend, a parental figure, a mentor? The answer to this question often depends on the role the stepchildren play in your family.[2]
    • In some cases, someone may have partial custody of their stepchildren. If they officially adopted stepchildren during their previous marriage, the stepchildren may be at your home for long periods. In this case, you may want to adopt a parental role. This may mean being willing to enforce rules and set boundaries.
    • However, sometimes stepchildren remain close to stepparents, but there are no legally binding relationships in place. Your spouse may simply see their stepchildren on occasion, as they have remained close despite a divorce. In this case, you may play a different role in their lives. You can interact with the children more like a friendly adult figure than a parental figure.
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    Spend time with the children if possible. If your spouse wants you to get to know their stepchildren, be willing to do so. Prioritize spending time together as a family. Try to get to know the stepchildren better and strengthen your bond.[3]
    • Spend real time together. You may be tempted to do something fun every time the stepchildren are over, but going to a theme park each time you interact won't help you get to know the stepkids better.
    • Instead, try to do low-key things with the stepchildren. For example, have dinner together or have a family game night.
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    Be respectful. The role you play as a spouse to a stepparent is complicated. They are not your spouse's children, so you are not necessarily expected to be another parental figure. In fact, the children's parents may expect certain boundaries from you. Be respectful of this.[4]
    • Talk to your spouse about what they want from you. They may want you to be polite to the stepchildren, and join them on get togethers on occasion, but not to get too deeply involved. You may not be welcome to, for example, give the stepchildren advise or discipline the children when they've over.
    • You should also keep in mind what the children's parents want. Make sure your spouse knows any rules or boundaries the children's parents have set. They may not be comfortable with an adult they do not know engaging with their kids a lot.
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    Give it time. You cannot expect to get close with stepkids overnight. Children are often devastated by divorces and breakups, and may be unwelcoming to a new partner at first. Try to be understanding of this and not to take children initially being cold or even rude personally. Accept it's going to take time for the children to get used to you as a new person in their lives, and that you may have an evolving role over time.[5]
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Managing Your Own Emotions

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    Keep your expectations in check. It can be frustrating dealing with a spouse's stepchildren, as the bond is something you may not personally understand. You may have certain expectations that are unreasonable. This can contribute to bad feelings and negative reactions. Examine your expectations and consider whether they're fair.[6]
    • When your spouse does not meet an expectation, pause and evaluate that expectation. Were you being fair? Did your spouse know you had that expectation? Can you let go of these kinds of expectations?
    • For example, maybe your spouse took their stepkids to the zoo without inviting your children. You expected them to do so, but pause and think about this. Maybe your spouse is not ready to have their stepkids meet your children. Maybe they just wanted to spend one-on-one time with their stepchildren. It may not be fair for you to expect your spouse to work on your timeline. You may not be able to always expect your children will be included, as your spouse's time with their stepchildren is valuable to them.
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    Recognize how your spouse's stepchildren may feel. Stepchildren may not initially welcome a new spouse. Try to see things from their perspective. It may be difficult to process a shifting relationship, and your stepchildren may be confused, upset, and hurt by your partner's sudden absence. Try to accept stepchildren can have a strong bond with their stepparents, and may still want time with their former stepparent. Allow your partner and their stepchildren to have this space.[7]
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    Let go of certain resentments. In blended families, resentments are unfortunately common. You may be resentful of the time the stepchildren take, or the fact your spouse remains in contact with their ex. Try to release what resentments you can. You do not want them to interfere with your relationship with your spouse or your potential relationship with your spouse's stepchildren.[8]
    • Try to compartmentalize all your frustrations. Think about times where you've felt left out, angry, or frustrated. You should also think about times when you did not act your best in the relationship.
    • Imagine yourself putting all those negative moments and emotions in a box. Then, imagine yourself closing the box and walking away from the negativity.
    • However, this may not work 100% of the time. If you're unable to let go of a resentment or frustration despite trying, you should talk it out. It's better to address major resentments head on rather than letting them linger.
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    Avoid favoritism. You may find you get along better with one stepchild than another. You may simply have more in common with certain stepchildren or one stepchild may be older and better behaved. Despite your personal feelings about the situation, try to avoid favoring any of the children.[9]
    • You should also be aware you may have a tendency to lavish affection or gifts on stepchildren to overcompensate if you have kids of your own. This will only make your children feel resentful of the stepchildren, so avoid doing so.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Smoothing Over Conflicts

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    Take a step back from the situation. If a conflict arises, pause and take a step back. Try to look at a conflict from an objective place. See if you can see a solution by removing yourself from the conflict.[10]
    • For example, your spouse is fighting with their ex about spending a weekend with the stepkids. Your spouse wants your support.
    • Try to take a step back. How would you feel if you were your partner's ex? Maybe you would not be comfortable with your ex's new spouse making demands regarding your children. It may not be a good idea to stand by your spouse in this case.
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    Express your feelings to your spouse. After evaluating the situation, let your spouse know how you feel. Tell them that you've thought things over, and this is how you think the two of you should proceed. Be willing to listen to your partner's perspective as well and compromise if necessary.[11]
    • Explain any frustrations and concerns you have. For example, "I'm just not comfortable getting in between your argument with your ex-wife. I wouldn't want my ex's new spouse weighing in on how I feel about my kids."
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    Communicate openly with everyone involved. With stepchildren, there are often many adults involved in the decision making. In addition to your spouse, the children's biological parents will want a say. If the children have other stepparents, they also may play a role in conflict resolution. Make sure everyone has a chance to express themselves.[12]
    • Try to propose getting everyone involved in a conflict together at a neutral location to talk things over. Make sure everyone feels they can express themselves and their concerns openly. This may be difficult or cumbersome, but do the best you can.
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    Seek outside support. A therapist or support group can help if managing stepchildren poses a continued conflict. A family therapist can help you find ways to best integrate stepkids into your family. You can also turn to support groups, online or in your local community, for people from blended families.[13]
    • You can find a therapist online, through your insurance, or through a referral from your regular doctor. Look for someone with experience in stepfamilies if possible.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stepchildren-making-you-crazy-5-ways-to-manage-conflict-in-blended-families/
  2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  4. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stepchildren-making-you-crazy-5-ways-to-manage-conflict-in-blended-families/
  5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  6. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stepchildren-making-you-crazy-5-ways-to-manage-conflict-in-blended-families/
  7. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/step-relationships-after-divorce-1022127
  8. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diane-l-danois-jd/when-your-stepkids-are-ruining-your-marriage_b_5697301.html
  9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  1. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diane-l-danois-jd/when-your-stepkids-are-ruining-your-marriage_b_5697301.html
  2. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diane-l-danois-jd/when-your-stepkids-are-ruining-your-marriage_b_5697301.html
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm

About This Article

Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 15,289 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: October 16, 2022
Views: 15,289
Categories: Children and Divorce | Divorce
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