It’s Time to Let Go: 12 Healthy Ways to Heal Old Relationship Wounds

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: March 29, 2022 References

If there's something painful in your past, you might not realize how much of an impact it's having on your present relationship. You might have emotional wounds from a painful childhood, or your partner might have said or done something in the past that hurt you tremendously. That doesn't mean the relationship has to suffer forever, though. With a little love, patience, and dedication, it's often possible to overcome these old hurts and rebuild a newer—and maybe even stronger—relationship.

1

Reach out to your partner for support.

Let them know you need them. This can be tough, especially if they're the person who hurt you. But the first step toward overcoming that pain is to reassure your partner that you love them and you want to strengthen your relationship. If the problem started between the two of you, let them know you want to move past it. If you're struggling to overcome old wounds, ask them to be patient while you work to heal from that hurt.^{[1]
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- Try saying something like, "I'm sorry I've been pulling away. I've been struggling with some things, but I don't want it to come between us anymore."
- You don't necessarily have to address what happened at this point, although you can. If you'd prefer, though, you can just ask for a hug or find something the two of you can do together.

2

Pinpoint the source of the problem.

Think about what happened, what feelings it brought up, and why. Sometimes a relationship can be wounded in one thoughtless moment, but a lot of times, there's an underlying conflict that was building up before the incident.^{[2]
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Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.}^{[3]
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- For instance, maybe you exploded in anger because the sink was full of dishes. If you dig deeper, you might realize that you've been feeling unappreciated and unsupported or you might resent that you have to take care of more housework than your partner.
- Sometimes, the issues might not have come from your relationship at all. You might find it hard to trust your partner because you were hurt in a previous relationship or because you dealt with trauma or neglect in your childhood, for example.
- Journaling can be a great way to sort through your thoughts and feelings and get to the bottom of what's going on.^{[5]
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3

Acknowledge your part in things.

There are usually two sides to any conflict. If your old wounds are affecting your relationship, take a step back and think about things from your partner's perspective. How do you think they see your actions, and how might that be influencing theirs? Try to identify what you can do differently next time, and then make a big effort to put that into practice next time a conflict comes up.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.}^{[7]
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- Even if your partner did something that really hurt you, there's still probably something you could have done differently. For instance, you might have tried to sweep those feelings under the rug to avoid conflict—which may have caused you to explode angrily when that resentment built up.
- If you're struggling with painful memories that happened before your relationship, your partner might be confused about why you seem distant or afraid to commit. In that case, it's especially important to talk to them so they can understand where you're coming from.
- Apologize for your part in things, but don't stop there. Really try to change things so you're not just repeating the same patterns over and over.

4

Forgive the person who hurt you.

Let go of the past so you can heal. Forgiveness is tricky, but it's really important. It doesn't mean that it's okay that someone hurt you. It just means that you're choosing to see the person as a human who makes mistakes, and that you aren't going to hold on to resentment anymore.^{[8]
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- This is usually a lot easier if you make an effort to see the good in the other person, rather than focusing on the qualities that caused them to hurt you in the first place.
- If you've been hurt by multiple people in your past—like parents, siblings, friends, or ex-partners—you might need to forgive each person one by one. This can take some time, but it's worth it for your emotional health.

5

Talk to your partner about your pain.

Use "I" statements and try to stay calm. It can be tough to talk about hurtful things in your past, but it's an important part of the healing process. If you're dealing with old hurts that someone else caused, lean on your partner for support—open up to them about what happened and how it's affecting you now. And if the problem originated in your relationship, talk about your feelings and any patterns you've noticed about how the two of you deal with things.^{[9]
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- You might also say something like, "I felt so hurt and betrayed when you cheated on me. I want to be able to trust you again, and I have a few ideas that might help with that."
- If you feel yourself starting to get overwhelmed and upset, take a few deep breaths or call a time-out until you feel calm again.^{[10]
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  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.}

6

Listen to what your partner says about conflict.

Don't just hear what you think they're saying. If your loved one mentions something that you did that hurt them, don't just tune them out or tell yourself that it's fine because you were hurting. Their feelings are just as real and valid as yours, so put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine things from their perspective. Acknowledge that when they're talking.^{[11]
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Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.}^{[12]
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- If you're upset because your partner called you irresponsible, you might find it difficult to listen when they try to talk to you about money. However, if you can let your guard down and listen openly, you might be able to empathize with their concerns about the budget—even if they shouldn't have lost their temper with you.
- If your partner mentions that you've been withdrawn, try not to get defensive and shut them out. Instead, use it as an opportunity to talk about how your past is affecting you.

7

Make a plan to work together.

Don't try to change the whole relationship at once. That will just leave you feeling overwhelmed and probably discouraged. Instead, focus on small things you can actually do to improve the relationship.^{[13]
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- If you and your partner have been giving each other the silent treatment, you might challenge yourself to say 3 positive things to them each day, for instance.

8

Be patient.

Things might not go back to normal right away. It can take a long time to heal from old wounds, no matter how long ago they happened. Those old hurts can make it hard for you to trust your partner or believe that they really care for you, even once you start trying to work through what happened. Just remember that it's worth working through this if you really love each other, so don't give up.^{[14]
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- You might never be exactly the same person you were before you got hurt. That's okay! Embrace that—you've been through something painful and made it to the other side, which is a sign that you're strong and resilient.

9

Express gratitude for your partner.

This will actually benefit both of you. Let them know what you appreciate about them, and do it often. This will help the two of you feel closer, which can help you start to heal from old hurts in the past. In fact, it does more than just make the other person feel good—it can actually help you feel better about them in the long run.^{[15]
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- Be especially sure to point it out if you see them working to improve in the area where the two of you have the most trouble. For instance, if you and your partner have argued about money, you might say something like, "I noticed all the bills are already paid for the month. Awesome job!"
- If they've been patient and supportive while you worked through issues from your past, let them know how much that means to you.

10

Create new memories together.

Get out and do something fun. Relationships take work, and if you're not actively working to strengthen your bond, it's easy to get trapped into focusing on the past. New memories won't necessarily erase what happened, but they can soften the pain you feel when you look back on it.^{[16]
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- This can be something as simple as going on a date once or twice a month—just make sure you have a rule not to talk about serious subjects that might lead to an argument!
- Try taking a trip with your loved one for a fun way to change your scenery and rewrite your story!

11

Stop arguments before they start.

Do things differently so you don't reopen old wounds. If you and your loved one have a history of arguing, it's easy to fall into the same old routine. You can probably even spot the signs before an argument happens—you might feel your face getting hot or see them clenching their hands, for instance. That's actually a good thing! Once you can recognize those signals, you can learn to interrupt the patterns that usually lead the two of you to argue.^{[17]
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- For instance, you might take a deep breath, then say something like, "Let's take a breather for about 10 minutes before we finish talking about this. I want us to be able to talk about it calmly and I feel like our emotions are starting to take over."
- Get out of your argument comfort zone. If you normally shut down, push yourself to say what's on your mind. If you normally get angry and yell, go out of your way to stay calm and listen to what the other person is saying.

12

Talk to someone you trust.

Sometimes it helps to get outside advice. That might mean turning to a friend or family member—just make sure it's not someone who will feel caught in the middle of the conflict. You might also meet with a therapist for advice, especially if you're struggling with a complex issue like infidelity or difficult family dynamics.^{[18]
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- If you're religious, try talking to your priest, rabbi, or minister about the problem.