How to Have a Secret Relationship With Someone

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: February 15, 2023 References Approved

Keeping a relationship secret can be hard, but by practicing discretion and planning your public interactions carefully, you and your partner can keep your status hidden from coworkers, friends, family, or others in general. There are many reasons to choose to have a secret relationship with someone. Maybe your office doesn't allow for coworkers to be together, or perhaps your family might not approve of your partner. Or you might just be a private person. Whatever the cause, keeping this secret will require devotion and discretion, but that doesn't mean that you and your partner will have to sacrifice any intimacy.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Keeping a Relationship Secret at the Office

1
Keep any intimacy away from work. The office is never the place to get hot and steamy with anyone. It's much too easy to get caught, and in many offices, that would be a reason to fire you. Keep your romance away from the office.^{[1]
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- Though some offices will fire you, other companies will move one of you to another department, suspend you, or give you a formal negative mark on your record.^{[2]
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2
Don't exclude others. That is, when you decide to have lunch, invite others along, at least sometimes. People will notice if you're always leaving and coming back together, and they may start to talk if you don't include other colleagues on occasion.^{[3]
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3
Don't plan vacations together. While it might sound like fun to be away together, if you're constantly gone at the same time for vacation, people may begin to wonder about your relationship. If you want to keep your relationship secret, stagger your vacations.^{[4]
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4
Stay away from social media. Of course, you wouldn't be dumb enough to change your relationship status to "In a relationship" if you have work friends on social media. However, it's also a good idea to keep pictures of the two of you off of social media as well; if your colleagues see you constantly together on social media, they may get suspicious.^{[5]
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- Remember, once you post something, even if it's only to your friends, it can easily become public if someone else posts it themselves.
5
Seize opportunities, but be discreet. If you find yourself alone at the end of the day with your lover, take the opportunity. Go out and have dinner. Spend the evening together. Just be sure to plan ahead by having a change of clothes on hand for the next morning.^{[6]
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6
Be honest. If someone confronts you about the relationship, it's time to confess, at least if you won't have too terrible a consequence for the offense. Once one person is asking, more people probably already suspect you are in a relationship. Just come clean.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Keeping a Relationship Hidden from Friends and Family

1
Have a discussion about it with your partner. When you are going to intentionally hide a relationship, your boyfriend or girlfriend needs to be in on that conversation. Otherwise, he or she may feel like you are embarrassed by him or her. Discuss the reasons why you want to keep it secret, being open about your feelings.
2
Understand that whatever the reason, your partner may be upset. People hide relationships for all sorts of reasons, from being of different religious backgrounds to having a significant age difference. Of course, you may also want to have an affair, too, which is another type of secret relationship. However, most of the time, people don't want to be kept hidden, so you may ruffle some feathers if you make this suggestion.
3
Set a time limit. At some point, you won't be able to keep your relationship a secret anymore. You and your significant other should be in control of when the news comes out. Therefore, make an agreement about when you will give out that information. It can be a specific amount of time, such as 3 months, or a certain number of dates, say 8. The most important thing is that the two of you be in agreement.
4
Stay off of social media. Just like with a romantic work relationship, if you want to keep a romantic relationship secret from your friends and family, keep pictures of you two together off of social media. In addition, of course, you don't want to change your relationship status.^{[8]
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5
Delete your communications. If you are around family members who will be looking at your phone or other communication devices from time to time, it's important to delete any communications from that person. Delete text messages, instant messages, phone calls, and voice messages from your significant other as soon as you can on your phone, tablet, and computer.^{[9]
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- An alternative to this step is to buy a cheap phone specifically for your secret relationship, though it is more difficult to keep up with two phones.
6
Have a separate email account. If anyone has access to your email account, you may need to get a second one to hide your relationship. Pick a different service than you normally use, and try using a different name so that it won't be linked to you.^{[10]
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7
Clear your browser history. If you're visiting sites that may be suspicious, even if it's just a fancy restaurant, you need to clear your browser history when you're done with the computer. Of course, you only need to clear it if you're using a shared computer, but it's best to be safe if you're trying to keep a relationship secret.^{[11]
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- Some browsers, such as Google Chrome, have a feature that allow you to browse without the computer tracking what you do. However, if your browser doesn't have that feature, you can simply clear the history and the cookies when you are done with each session, located under the main menu and the history section.^{[12]
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8
Use a separate credit card. If you have shared bills with another person, use a separate credit card when you go out with your new fling. Otherwise, pay in cash if you can. Otherwise, the family member may wonder at the charges.^{[13]
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- If your family members look through your wallet, it's best to keep this card somewhere secret.^{[14]
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9
Go to discreet locations. That is, you know where many of your friends and family hang out. Try to avoid any location where you might meet up with them. If you must, drive a little out of town to a suburb, so you don't run into people you know.
- An ideal romantic getaway is someplace where you two can give each other your undivided attention without too much worry.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I maintain a secret relationship in school?

Community Answer

Don’t tell your friends about it. You might want to tell them, but this is how these things usually get out. Try not to have much physical contact with the person when you are around other people. If you need to keep it secret from your parents, make sure to erase their messages on your phone.
Question

How do I make my secret relationship a happy one?

Community Answer

If you want it to be a happy one, you should hang out together in places no one you know will go: perhaps a theme park (there are lots of people there), a restaurant on the outskirts of town, or go walking along a far beach.
Question

My boyfriend and I are long distancing since I moved out of state, and my parents don't know. Is there any way that we can keep it a secret for longer, even though my parents look at my phone a lot?

Community Answer

I am in that exact situation and I just delete the text messages and phone calls, or just tell them it's a close friend. It's not a lie, because your boyfriend is your close friend.