How to Have a Secret Office Romance

Communicate in stealth: If your preferred mode of communication is texting, use Snapchat. If you prefer email, try Flagebuzz. Avoid using your mobile/office phone. You can always learn morse code as a last resort, or make up a secret language for the two of you lovebirds to chat with.

Be professional: Between 9 and 5, romance must appear to be the last thing on your mind. Maintain a work-like demeanor at all times — avoid touching, lingering looks, saucy comments or intimate conversations. If anything, give your partner a wider berth than other colleagues.^[1]

Arrange rendezvous: Set times and places to meet where you know you will get some privacy. Arrange your rendezvous like an IRS agent: plan cover stories, arrive from different directions and think about escape routes. Don't evade taxes. An empty stairwell, where you can hear people coming, is preferable to a stationery cupboard, where you can be easily caught unawares.

If meeting after hours, pick a place far from your work location, you will be easily spotted in the pub on the corner. Remember to travel there separately, nothing will arouse suspicion more than the 2 of you leaving together.

Don't leave any evidence: this can be anything from an undeleted email, to lipstick marks, to misplaced underwear. Cover your tracks at all times. Avoid sending emails through the company system as it will only be a matter of time before one gets accidentally sent to Matt in accounts. And never commit the ultimate sin - turning up to work in the same clothes two days in a row. This is a sure fire sign that you didn't make it home the night before, and will start rumors before you can say 'scandalous'

Head off the gossip: at some point, someone will start to get suspicious. Quell any gossip surrounding you and your amour by ruthlessly starting more salacious rumors.^[2]

If you decide to have an extended lunch break, always ask permission from your boss first and only if your boss says it's OK. If anyone asks why you are having an extended lunch break, say everything else, e.g. I have a lot of flex-it-ime and I need to use it and I'm going to have a little longer mooching in town and shopping. If you are asked did you see X? be honest but brief with an answer such as Yes I did, but don't tell them every little detail what you and X did, talked about etc. All in all keep extended lunch breaks to every now and then - If done frequently it can cause your boss, other people and the gossips to cotton on.

Do not show public displays of affection. It is best to leave kisses and hugs when the two of you are on your own, there is no-one else approaching, no one in earshot and when the two of you are outside work and outside work hours (e.g. both of you are at home, on leave, on flexi day). Don't give the nosy parkers and/or the gossips any ammunition. Plus you never know who could spread the news to your colleagues and/or your boss when you are not about do you?^[3]