How to Have a Healthy "Friends With Benefits" Relationship

Co-authored by Salina Shelton, LPC, MA

Last Updated: December 5, 2022

Your friends are the people that you laugh with, spend time with, and confide your most private information to. Out of this closeness, sometimes you might develop a physical attraction for one of these friends. Beginning a friends with benefits relationship can be a bit scary, as you likely do not want to jeopardize your friendship. However, you can maintain a healthy dynamic if you set boundaries, avoid being romantic, and work to keep your friendship intact.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

1
Have a conversation. Whether the physical relationship has already been initiated or not, have a conversation with your friend. Perhaps they have already indicated that they would like to enjoy a sexual relationship with you or maybe this has not been discussed. Wherever you are in the process, have a talk with them about the situation and their comfort level.
- If you haven’t had sex yet, you might say “Crystal, I really enjoy our friendship and we have such a close bond. But, I’m single now and I really would like to take our friendship in a new direction. I’m not looking for a relationship though, but I do think about sleeping with you often.”
- If you have had sex, but haven’t had a conversation, you might say “You know, the other night was great. I know that on my end I still want us to be friends no matter what but I would like to keep having sex without the romantic commitment, if you want to.”
- If they are not interested in having or continuing a sexual relationship with you, move on and do not pressure them.
2
Have a timeframe in mind for the relationship to end. After you have had a talk and both of you have agreed to being friends with benefits, discuss a potential timeline for this situation to end. If it is your true intention to not have a romance with this person, settings these limitations will be necessary so that you don’t develop feelings. Consider setting a six month limit on your tryst.^{[1]
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- You might say “Chris, I’m moving in a few months, so why don’t we just do this until I leave?”
- If you don't have a good event try saying, "I really want to make sure our friendship stays intact, I think it would be a good idea to just do this until December."
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3
Set limits on time spent together. In addition to setting limits on the relationship, set limits on how much time you are spending alone together. Try to limit any interactions that you might have to just two hours or less. Spending too much time together may cause you to develop a deeper emotional attachment to them.^{[2]
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4
Avoid more than a few hours of communication per week. Though this person is your friend and you may want to chat often, find other friends to chat with occasionally. Don’t allow your FWB to become the only person you talk to or rely on.^{[3]
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- For instance, perhaps you might agree to only speak every other day and to not have phone calls that last for more than 30 minutes at a time.
- Intimate conversations and confiding in someone will naturally lead to developing romantic feelings. Notice if your friend is confiding in you more often as well.
5
Keep your mutual friends out of it. In addition to these other restrictions, it is typically best to keep your friends out of your FWB relationship. Though you may want your friends to know just so you aren’t keeping secrets, keep the details light. Don’t share information with them about your sex life or any other personal details.^{[4]
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- Respecting the agreed upon boundaries will also help keep you maintain your friendship with the person after you FWB relationship has ended. If you are crossing these boundaries all the time, it may be because you are developing feelings for your friend.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Avoiding a Romantic Connection

1
Keep your expectations low. In order for this new sexual dynamic to work between you and your friend, be sure to keep your expectations low. Oftentimes, when in a relationship you might have high expectations of your partner, but remember that this person is not your partner. Don’t expect them to always want to see you when you reach out or to always answer your calls. Keep a chill attitude about the arrangement.^{[5]
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- If you feel that you cannot be chill, consider ending the relationship.
2
Avoid buying gifts. Avoid performing romantic gestures for your friend, like purchasing them expensive gifts. This can inject confusion and ambiguity into your dynamic, unless you already bought them gifts before you became friends with benefits.^{[6]
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- If you want to get them something for their birthday or for a holiday, consider putting a monetary limit on the gift, like $50 or less.
3
Don’t sleep over. After you and your friend have sex or fool around, it can be tempting to fall asleep at their place or let them sleep at yours. However, doing so is a surefire way to develop feelings for them. Avoid staying over after hanging out.^{[7]
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- Set an alarm if necessary so that if you do fall asleep, you can leave before the morning comes.
4
Avoid pillow talk. Another way to maintain your friendship without being romantic is to avoid pillow talk after sex. Avoid cuddling up for extended periods of time or chatting romantically after sex. One of the times that people feel the most connected and bonded is during sex, so try not to allow that romantic haze to extend beyond the physical act if you want to maintain your friendship.^{[8]
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5
Don’t go on dates. Another way to prevent romanticizing your relationship is to avoid going on dates. Don’t go out for candlelit dinners or go out with groups of couples. Keep your relationship friendly and continue to act as friends outside of the bedroom. Avoid spending romantic holidays together like Valentine’s Day.^{[9]
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- You can still hang out and go to the movies or to dinner together, but keep it friendly.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Maintaining Your Friendship

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Maintain trust. During this time, be sure that you are maintaining trust between your and your friend. This might be a person that you have known for years or maybe just a good friend that you’ve had for a few months. Whatever the relationship, keep your promises to them and always be open and honest.^{[10]
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- If you start dating someone, let them know, especially if you plan to have sex with this new person.
- If you tell them you will hang out with them or call them later, do so. Continue to be a good friend to them.
2
Be courteous to them. Make sure that you are also being very kind and courteous to them, perhaps even more so than when you were strictly friends. Sex introduces a new closeness and bond, and you might find that your relationship is a bit more sensitive because of it. Always treat them well, check in with them regularly, and ensure that the FWB relationship is still working for both of you.^{[11]
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3
Be honest if you develop feelings. Don't let fear keep you from having an important conversation, tell your friend if you develop feelings for them. Know that this is natural as this is a person with whom you share a friendship and a sexual relationship. Tell them how you feel and discontinue the FWB relationship if they don’t want something more. Putting this conversation off can make for hurt feelings later on.^{[12]
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- You might say “Jamie, I’ve enjoyed these last few months being friends with benefits, but I think now I want something more. If you don’t, I understand and respect that, but I can’t continue to just have sex with you because of these feelings that I have.”
- If they tell you that they have developed feelings for you, be honest with them about your own feelings. If you don’t want a relationship, tell them that.
4
Spend time just as friends. Continue to develop your friendship outside of your sexual relationship. Hang out with your mutual friends often. Explore your interests together outside of the bedroom. Continue to be honest with each other and with yourself about what you want.