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This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
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Relationships can be extremely rewarding and a source of joy. However, relationships are also challenging and take a lot of work. You and your boyfriend may really care about one another, but your relationship may not be where you want it to be. Learn how to better your relationship with your boyfriend so you can keep the relationship strong and fulfilling.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 4:
Improving Your Time Together
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1Spend time doing enjoyable things together. One way to better your relationship with your boyfriend is to do things together that you both enjoy. Finding joy in the time you spend together can help the two of you build a stronger friendship and a deeper bond. If you like each other more, your relationship will be better.[1]
- For example, you can play card games, go for hikes, try new activities, or volunteer together.
- The idea is to do something you both enjoy. Discuss things you like to do, then find a few you have in common.
- Try to avoid doing the same things you always do. If you aren’t happy with where your relationship is now, doing the same thing over and over isn’t going to help it improve.
- Ask your boyfriend, "What do you like to do when we're not together? These are things I like to do." You may say, "I saw there's a new musical in town. I've always wanted to see one. Would you like to go with me?"
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2Show him that you appreciate him. After you have been with someone for a long time, you might start to take for granted that he knows how you feel about him. Maybe you’re not in that honeymoon phase anymore, but you want him to know how you feel about. Let him know that you care and appreciate everything he does.[2]
- For example, you can thank him for paying for dinner, for taking out the trash, or for holding the door open for you. Say, "I really appreciate how you took the trash out last night" or "Thank you for the coffee you brought me. It made my morning."
- Tell him how good you think he looks, how you like the beard he’s grown out, or that you like his new cologne. Tell him, "That shirt looks so great on you" or "I love that new haircut. It makes you look handsome."
- Dress nice for him. Wear his favorite shirt, the underwear he likes you in, or the fragrance he likes the smell of.
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3Show him affection. If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, you may have stopped being as affectionate or physically loving with each other outside of sex. Sex and affection are two different things. Show more affection outside of the bedroom. Just make small changes to show more affection when you are together.[3]
- For example, you can touch him more when you talk, hold his hand, or rest your head on his shoulder.
- Be present when you kiss him instead of a quick distracted peck.
- Spend time holding each other and cuddling when you watch television.
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4Do small things for him. You don’t have to make a sweeping romantic gesture to get your relationship back on track. Small things are sometimes more meaningful than large gestures. Start doing small, thoughtful things for your boyfriend when you are together. This will show him that you care, pay attention, and think about him.[4]
- For example, bring him his favorite flavor of coffee when you get together in the morning, or have his coffee waiting when he wakes up. Buy his favorite snack food at the grocery store, or pick it up before you go to the movies.
- If your partner always loses his pens at work, buy him a pack to keep in his car. Keep an extra pair of sunglasses in your car for him if he always forgets his.
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5Be playful. One way to make your relationship better is to keep it light. Being playful with one another is a way to deepen your connection and communicate. You don’t just have to be serious with one another to improve the relationship. Joking with each other, acting silly, and engaging in lighthearted activities that make you both laugh can make you feel closer to one another.[5]
- Lightly tease each other about things, bring up inside jokes, and smile or laugh when the other one says something funny.
- Remember that any teasing or joking should be fun and playful, not mean-spirited.
Method 2
Method 2 of 4:
Working on Your Communication
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1Talk to your boyfriend. This might seem obvious, but if you’ve been with someone for awhile, you may take certain things for granted. You may have stopped sharing things with one another, asking each other questions, or telling each other things that have changed. Get to know your boyfriend again by making an effort to talk.[6]
- Find out if your boyfriend has any new hobbies, interests, or favorite movies. Ask him if there are things that bug him, or if anything else has changed that you may have missed.
- For example, you might ask, "What new TV shows or movies have you watched lately? Have you found any great new songs?" or "I've noticed you've been reading a lot of fantasy lately. That's new. Tell me about it."
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2Listen to each other. One way to improve the communication with your boyfriend is to listen to him, really listen to him. If you are arguing, don’t get so upset that you ignore what he is saying in favor or getting your point across. Instead, listen to what he has to say. Listening to each other will help you come to a resolution instead of continuing arguing.[7]
- When you listen, actually listen. Turn off the voices in your head that are screaming the points you want to make, how wrong he is, and how how can get him to side with you.
- To be an active listener, you should use open body language, looking at the person directly and nodding. Pay attention to what the person is saying, and restate what they say back to you (for example, "It sounds like you're having a pretty hard time at work!"). Make good eye contact, and provide thoughtful comments and questions about what the person is saying.[8]
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3Be honest. One way to better the relationship with your boyfriend is to be honest with him. This may be difficult, but if you want to have a good, healthy relationship, both of you need to trust each other enough to open up and be honest. Be honest about things that bother you, things that scare you, or things that make you uneasy.
- Avoid lying to your boyfriend. This will only cause problems down the road.
- Being honest doesn’t mean just tell him when he bothers you. This means being honest about all aspects of your life. Work on opening up to him and trusting him.
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4Talk in person. If there is something important you need to discuss with your boyfriend, do it in person instead of via text or e-mail. This helps avoid miscommunication. You need to also find the right time to talk in person. Choose a time when you both have time to talk and when you can be alone.[9]
- Refrain from attacking your boyfriend when you talk. This doesn’t lead to any productive resolution.
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5Tell your boyfriend what you feel. After you’ve been with someone for a long time, you just assume they know things. You may think your boyfriend knows what you think, what you feel, and how you feel about him. He is not a mind reader, just as you are not a mind reader. Let your boyfriend know what you want so you can be on the same page.[10]
- Tell your boyfriend that you care about him, like being around him, or love him. Tell him like like it when he holds your hand or appreciate it when he takes you around his friends.
- Let him know that you are having a bad day, or that you had a great day at work. Communicate to him that you want to try a new restaurant or do something different this weekend.
- For example, you may say, "I really appreciate it when you hold my hand in public," "I'd like to try Indian food tonight, and I'd love for you to come with me," or "We should try something new this weekend. I was thinking about going for a hike somewhere we haven't been. What do you think?"
- During a bad day, say, "I had a bad day at work and I'm grumpy" or "I'm sorry I snapped, but I had a really bad day."
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6Talk about things that interest you. Small talk is important in a relationship. Talking about the random things that seem unimportant may help you improve your relationship. Ask your boyfriend about the new video game he’s playing, his intramural baseball team, or what he thought of the last episode of a television show.[11]
- Tell him about the little things in your life, too. Share all aspects of your life with each other, not just the big important things.
- Don’t get bored when your boyfriend goes on and on about something you don’t care about. If he’s taking the time to share it with you, it must mean something to him.
- For example, you may share things like, "We got a new employee at work" or "My dog did the funniest thing." You may also say, "I watched this really great movie" or "I had a great workout this morning. Let me tell you why."
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7Discuss what you want out of life. You and your partner may have gotten to different places in life. You may want the things you used to, which means you may not have the same goals anymore as he does. Talk about what you want out of life, what your plans are, and what goals you have for your life.[12]
- Focus on goals that you both share. Sharing common goals can help you both work towards something together, which can be fulfilling and make you closer.
- For example, tell your boyfriend, "I really want to travel to exotic places. What about you?" or "My goal is to get an advanced degree. What are your career aspirations?"
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8Set goals for your relationship. One way to better your relationship is for you and your boyfriend to sit down and make goals for the relationship. What do you want from your relationship? Where do you want it to be? These goals work both ways. He can come up with things he wants you to work on just like you come up with things for him to work on.[13]
- Maybe you would both like to spend more time being active together, or maybe you would like to spend more time with your families.
- You may want him to stop watching so much sports, while he wants you to be more organized.
- Tell your boyfriend what you need from him, and encourage him to do the same for you.
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9Consider going to a relationship counselor. If you think your relationship is in trouble but don't know how to fix it, consider going to see a relationship counselor. A relationship counselor can help both of you learn how to better communicate, solve problems, and work on problems in healthy, productive ways.
- A relationship counselor may not be for everyone. If you haven't been going out for very long, it may be too soon for a relationship counselor.
Method 3
Method 3 of 4:
Avoiding Negative Relationship Habits
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1Avoid negative thoughts. If you’ve gotten to a bad place in your relationship, you may find yourself getting annoyed by everything your boyfriend does. Maybe you hate the way he does something or get offended when he says something. Try to get out of the habit of being negative about your boyfriend.[14]
- Instead of automatically getting annoyed, think about why he is doing the thing that bothers you. Is it really a problem, or is it a common action that has just started getting on your nerves? Try to take a step back and realize it’s not a big deal.
- Talk to your boyfriend about things that really bother you. He may not even realize it’s a problem.
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2Stop checking your phone! If you are obsessed with your phone, it might be impacting your relationship. Constantly checking Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter or texting other people while you’re together may make him feel unwanted and cause problems. Instead, put your phone away and pay attention to him. Make sure he does the same for you.[15]
- If you are paying attention to your phone, you might miss something he is saying. You also are not fully there when you are doing an activity.
- Focus on the person in front of you and enjoy spending time with him instead of turning to social media every few minutes.
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3Do not try to change him. You cannot change your boyfriend. He cannot change you. If you think the relationship will be better by changing him, then you need to change your thinking. Trying to change him will only lead to conflict. Instead, talk about things that bother you. The two of you can work together to find a solution.[16]
- Compromise is a way to work towards a better relationship without forcing change on anyone. Talk to each other and come to an agreement about how to handle the issue.
- People want to be accepted for who they are, especially by their significant other. Trying to change your boyfriend may make him think something is wrong with him or that you you don’t care about him.
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4Fight fair. If you have to disagree with your boyfriend and you end up arguing, it's not the end of the world. However, you should make sure that you're not fighting in a way that you'll regret later. Follow these rules to make sure that you fight in a fair and respectful way:
- Be specific about what bothers you.
- Do not be accusatory or petty.
- Don't use generalizations, like "always" or never."
- Focus on the issue at hand; don't bring past arguments into the present one.
- Try to stay calm, and talk about the issue only when you are calm.
- Be communicative. Don't give your boyfriend the silent treatment.
- Talk about your feelings; do not use actions to show how you feel.[17]
Method 4
Method 4 of 4:
Focusing on Yourself
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1Have different interests. A good way to better your relationship with your boyfriend is to have interests outside of him. You and your boyfriend should share interests and do things together, but you shouldn’t do everything together. Having different interests keeps things interesting, gives you things to talk about and tell each other about, and helps you both cultivate other relationships. It’s important to keep your individual selves even when growing closer.[18]
- It’s okay if you like playing music but he likes art, or if you like baseball and he likes football. You can both enjoy these other interests with each other, but it’s perfectly fine for you to go to a baseball game with your friends while he goes to an art opening with his friends.
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2Focus on making yourself happy. One problem that may arise in a relationship is when you place your happiness in the other person’s hands. You expect your only happiness to come from that person. While it’s important to be happy when you’re with your boyfriend, he shouldn’t be your only source of happiness.[19]
- Your relationship will be better when you find ways to be happy. This might be through friendship with others, volunteering, sports, hobbies, or academics.
- If you have trouble finding ways to be happy, you may want to consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help you work through any issues you have.
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3Cultivate self-esteem. Another way to better your relationship with your boyfriend is to better your relationship with yourself. If you have good self-esteem, you won’t feel as insecure or jealous. Instead, you will trust yourself and your boyfriend more.
- Don’t base your worth and self-esteem on your boyfriend. Your self-esteem should come from inside you. Base it on your positive attributes and characteristics.
- Find ways to be confident in yourself. Dress nicely, be proud of your accomplishments, exercise, and try new hobbies. These are all ways to build confidence.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you show care in a relationship?
Elvina Lui, MFTElvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Relationship ExpertShow him that he can depend on you. Follow through with your promises. If you end up doing something that lets him down, tell him you are sorry, but make sure to fix your mistakes. This lets him know that he can count on you, no matter how big or how small something is.
![Answer the "What Do You Like About Me" Question (for Men)](./images/2970961452--crop-342-184-245px-Answer-the-"What-Do-You-Like-About-Me"-Question-(for-Men)-Step-12.webp)
![Answer "What Do You Like About Me"](./images/3895343975--crop-342-184-245px-Answer-"What-Do-You-Like-About-Me"-Step-10-Version-2.webp)
References
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-proven-ways-to-improve-your-relationship_10.html
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-proven-ways-to-improve-your-relationship_9.html
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ http://time.com/3404749/10-ways-improve-your-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200911/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/fixing-relationship-problems-with-humor.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201501/6-surprising-ways-communicate-better-your-partner
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-proven-ways-to-improve-your-relationship_5.html
- ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/g630/20-best-tips-improve-relationship-love-arguing-romance/?slide=1
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-proven-ways-to-improve-your-relationship_7.html
- ↑ http://time.com/3404749/10-ways-improve-your-relationship/
- ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-ways-strengthen-struggling-relationships.html
- ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html
- ↑ http://life.gaiam.com/article/8-ways-strengthen-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200911/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
About This Article
Elvina Lui, MFT
Relationship Expert
This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. This article has been viewed 849,696 times.
Co-authors: 54
Updated: February 13, 2023
Views: 849,696
Categories: Maintaining Relationships
Article SummaryX
If you want to have a great relationship with your boyfriend, spend time doing things together, like going for a hike or volunteering. You can also do small things for him throughout the day, which will show him that he can depend on you. For example, consider bringing him his favorite coffee in the morning or offering to pick up dinner when he's stuck working late. To improve your communication, always be honest about your feelings and what you want out of life, since lying or hiding things will only cause problems down the road. By sharing your thoughts, needs, and desires openly with your boyfriend, you can make sure that you're both on the same page. For more tips from our co-author, like how to avoid negative relationship habits, scroll down!
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