How to Handle a Teenage Breakup

Last Updated: January 14, 2023 References Approved

No matter what age you are, dealing with a breakup is not fun. As a teenager, you probably have a million other things also pulling on your emotions (parents, school, friends, teachers, job, college applications, and so on) that it may make a breakup seem even harder to handle. The good news is that you can and you will be able to handle it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Breaking Up With Someone

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Think it over. Relationships sometimes experience moments of doubt where one or both partners simply don’t know what to do. They may feel that ‘things will get better’ or that they should give their partner another chance, but those second chances don’t always work out.^{[1]
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- If you’re having doubts, stop and think about them. Think about what’s causing the doubts, and why they’re bothering you. Are your doubts uncalled for, or reasonable? Do you or your partner have a chance of overcoming these doubts? Should you give your partner a second chance?
- If you decide it’s time to end the relationship, make sure you fully understand your reasons and are able to explain them to someone else. Prepare yourself to talk about your reasons. But also realize you don’t have to justify your reasons.
2
Take your time. Breaking up with someone shouldn’t be done on the spur of the moment. But you also shouldn’t try to avoid it because you’re scared of hurting your partner, or you’re nervous about having the actual breakup conversation. Once you’ve had the time to think your reasons through, and you know what you’re going to say, it’s time to speak to your partner.^{[2]
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- Part of your preparation should also be to think about how your partner is going to react. Think about your responses to their reactions so you don’t have to struggle with what to say.
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3
Choose an appropriate location. No matter what location you choose, it is kinder to do it in person.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} Breaking up with someone via phone, email or text is disrespectful and hurtful. You wouldn’t want someone to do that to you, so don’t do that to them. You also need to consider how your partner is going to react to the breakup.^{[4]
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- You may want to choose a private location so you don’t embarrass them if they get upset or angry. You don’t have to humiliate someone to break up with them.
- Breaking up with someone is a personal process, it’s not something you bring friends to. If you feel you need the support afterwards, make plans to meet up with your friends later.
- If you have a long-distance relationship with someone, and it’s impossible to get together in-person to break up, using the phone (or something like Skype) is acceptable.
4
Keep your intentions honourable and respectful. Breaking up with someone isn’t an opportunity to criticize every last annoying thing about that person. It’s okay to explain WHY you want to break up, but don’t be harsh or brutal about it. Be gentle and respectful. Always remember to treat your partner like you’d want them to treat you.^{[5]
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- Let your partner know that they still matter to you and that they’re still a great person. List some of their awesome qualities to help boost their spirit.
- Being honourable and respectful also means NOT spreading negative comments about your soon-to-be ex-partner behind their back.
5
Listen. One thing to keep in mind when you’re breaking up with someone is that you’re prepared. You’ve had the chance to think things through and come up with responses. You’ve also had a chance to start processing your emotions. Your partner hasn’t. To them, the breakup could be sudden and/or a shock. As such, don’t assume it’s going to be a quick and easy process.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Go into the conversation knowing you might need to listen to them plead, beg, complain, get angry, or even be relieved. You can’t walk away after you’ve told them you’re breaking up, you need to hear them out as well.
6
Give your ex-partner space. You’ve broken up with this person, now isn’t the time to suddenly call, email, and text them all night. It’s entirely possible they may never want to talk to you again. If you want to try to remain friends, it’s worth a try, but realize it might not work out. Or it might not be the same type of friendship you had before you dated.^{[8]
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- After a few days consider sending them an email to ask if they’re okay. Or saying ‘Hi’ to them in the hallway when you pass by. Don’t ignore them if you see them, but you don’t have to try to engage them if they ignore you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dealing with a Breakup

1
Share how you’re feeling with someone you trust. Who you share your feelings with is up to you, but it should be someone you can trust to support you and keep your personal life private. Hopefully you have a friend or family member whom you feel you can trust, and you can speak to them about how you feel. If not, consider talking to a counsellor at school.^{[9]
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- This trusted and supportive person may be able to help out, or they can provide you with advice on who can. Whatever you’re going through, realize you don’t have to go through it alone.
2
Cry as much as you need to. Crying gets a bad rap. There’s nothing wrong with crying because you feel sad, upset, or even angry. Crying can actually make you feel better because it releases stress hormones through tears.
- Allowing yourself to cry on your own terms will help prevent getting upset at an inopportune time, like in the middle of class or a baseball game.
3
Take good care of yourself. Going through a breakup can be extremely stressful and emotionally draining. You have enough to deal with on an emotional level, you can’t allow yourself to get physically unhealthy as well. This means you need to remember to continue eating properly, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Taking care of yourself physically will help you get through your emotional trauma successfully.
4
Keep yourself busy. Once you’ve had the chance to express your emotions initially, keep yourself busy. Continue to do the things you enjoy, like reading, going to a movie, baking, etc. You might need to take a moment every now and again to have a good cry or get a hug from a friend, but once that’s over, get back to being busy.
- Consider this as an opportunity to redecorate your room or learn how to play the guitar. Focus your energy on something productive as often as you can.
5
Allow yourself the time you need. You aren’t going to feel better instantly, it’s going to take a little time before you get back to your ‘normal’ self, but that’s okay. Take the time you need, don’t rush yourself. But do realize that you will feel better eventually. These bad feelings will not last forever, no matter how bad they feel. Each person recovers from a breakup at different speeds.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Don’t compare your healing process to others, you aren’t them, and they aren’t you.
6
Realize you're still an awesome person. No matter how the breakup happened, whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup, or someone broke up with you, you’re still an awesome and lovable person. Breakups happen for a whole number of reasons, and they are almost never because of only one person. Don’t blame yourself for what happened, and don’t assume you deserve to feel badly.
- If you start thinking negatively, take a moment to stop and think of all the awesome things about yourself. Write them down if you have to.
- Put sticky notes on your mirror to remind you how awesome you are. As corny as it sounds, it does help!
7
Stop yourself from developing bad habits. Unfortunately, some people get so bogged down in the emotion of a breakup that they look for unnatural ways to make themselves feel better. And in some cases, those unnatural ways can be drugs and alcohol. This is obviously a dangerous thing to do and it’s not a road you want to go down. If you notice yourself thinking about drugs or alcohol, or you feel tempted to do things that are ‘out of the ordinary’ for yourself, get help. ^{[11]
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- Don’t be afraid to tell your parents, friends, or a trusted teacher that you need to talk to someone. It is worth the effort to stop yourself before something truly destructive happens.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Why the Breakup Happened

1
Realize people sometimes grow apart. It’s no ones fault, and no one did it on purpose, but sometimes after a period of time both sides just realize they weren’t meant for each other and it’s time to move on. After getting to know someone, you might start to realize they aren’t the person you thought they were, or that they don’t share the same interests and values as you. ^{[12]
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- Heartache can happen when one of the people realizes the relationship is over before the other.
- Even if you’re the one who notices first and decides to call it off, it’s still not your fault. You’re simply doing what’s right for you, and in the long-run, what’s right for both of you.
2
Understand that people are not always who you thought they were. Seeing someone from a distance, or even knowing them as an acquaintance, doesn’t give you a lot of insight into who that person is. Spending more time with them in a relationship sheds light on a lot of things you wouldn’t have known about beforehand. And sometimes these things you learn about the other person are not things you hoped for. ^{[13]
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- You might find that the person you thought you could get along with wants to do nothing but argue with you, or maybe they’re too protective or overbearing. It might have been impossible to know this before you starting dating.
3
Recognize that one of you has fallen for someone else. Probably one of the more painful reasons people break up is because one of the people in the relationship finds themselves in love with another person. Hopefully, this person broke up with their partner before they acted on their feelings for this other person, but that doesn’t always happen. ^{[14]
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- If you’re the one who has fallen for someone else, respect your existing partner enough to break up with them before you cheat on them. It’s okay to fall for someone else, but acting on those feeling while leading someone else on is dishonourable.

Expert Q&A

Question

How long after a breakup should you wait to date again?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Give yourself at least 3 months to heal. If the relationship was serious, let yourself grieve and heal for at least 6 months.
Question

Is it bad to date right after a breakup?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

It's definitely not ideal! By dating right after a breakup, you aren't giving yourself enough time to grieve your loss—instead, you're just covering up that pain with a new relationship.
Question

How do you deal with an ex who won't let go?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Block them on everything that you can. Contact law enforcement right away if things get dangerous.

Warnings

If you live in Canada and you need to talk to someone about what you’re going through, you can call the Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868. They also have a website - https://kidshelpphone.ca/ - that provides a lot of great resources and an online chat if you’d prefer not to call.

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If you, or someone you know, is having a really tough time with a breakup and is considering suicide, you can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. They also have a website - http://988lifeline.org - with suicide prevention information that may be helpful.

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The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) hotline at 1-800-662-4357 is available to anyone who would like free and confidential information about mental health and substance abuse. SAMHSA can also refer you to someone in your area for treatment if required.^{[15]
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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
U.S. government agency whose mission is to reduce the impact of substance abuse and mental illness on America's communities.
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