How to Get over Someone Who You Know You Can't Date

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: March 7, 2023 References

Falling for someone you can't have is always hard, but getting over that person is possible and will let you move onto better things. And while it may feel like you'll never be able to get past your feelings for someone, with time you'll find that it gets easier and easier. By minimizing contact, coming to terms with the reality of the situation, and keeping yourself distracted and busy, you can get over any feelings of heartache or vulnerability you may be feeling because of unreturned affection.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Cutting off All Contact

1
Remove the person from your social media contacts. It’s nearly impossible to get over someone you have to see constantly, even if it’s just pictures of them on social media. What can also make the situation worse is if you see posts about them with a romantic interest. You can stop torturing yourself by not having to look at them on your social media accounts.
- You can unfriend or stop following the person so you don’t have to see their pictures or posts. If you don’t want the person to know you aren’t seeing their posts anymore, you can simply unfollow them, which allows you to remain friends but doesn’t put their posts in your newsfeeds.^{[1]
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2
Delete the person from your phone (if you have one). Having the person’s number in your phone is too tempting. You may feel the constant need to call or text, particularly if you’ve had a few drinks. To resist reaching out, remove them as a contact.
- You may also want to block them from contacting you. It may seem harsh, but you likely won’t be able to get over the person if you continue to interact with them.
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3
Resist spending time with them whenever possible. If you’re friends with the person you can’t date, you may still have to interact with them because of your situation. Doing so, however, is likely extremely difficult and can make getting over them even harder. Refrain from attending events with them, and decline any invites you receive from them. This may make the person confused, particularly if they aren’t aware of how you feel, but it’s what you need to do to move on.^{[2]
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- If the person is aware of how you feel, you can tell them the reason why you can’t spend time with them. For instance, you could say, “You know I enjoy spending time with you, but it’s too hard for me to be around you right now. I hate to do this, but I’m not going to be able to hang out with you until I get my feelings under control.” It may be difficult for them to understand right now, but they may eventually get your reasons.
4
Communicate with the person only when necessary. If this person is a coworker or other acquaintance that you can't completely detach from, try your best to limit interaction as much as possible. If you and this person don't work closely together, it may be as simple as avoiding areas where they hang out.
- If you do work closely with this person, you might consider asking your boss for a reassignment or seeing if you could switch to a new project with a different team.
- All in all, just make sure you don't let your emotional connection to the person interfere with your professionalism. Stay cordial, but don't go out of your want to connect with them.^{[3]
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5
Don’t give into temptation. If you had a relationship with the person, it may seem like a good idea to engage in physical contact with them, particularly if that was the basis of your relationship. Although this is tempting because you like the person, doing so will only make things harder for you.
- You will likely become more attached to the person if you spend time with them in this way. Plus, sex adds a whole host of other potential problems into the picture. If you have decided not to be with them, don't be with them in any way.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Facing Reality

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Avoid idealizing the person. When you really like someone, you tend to focus on their positives. This is particularly the case when you can’t have them. But this isn’t reality: everyone has flaws and it would be good for you to think about them instead of what you like about the person.
- Make a list of why the relationship wouldn’t work. Also, write down what you don’t particularly like about the person. Refer back to it when you’re feeling down about not being able to be with the person.^{[5]
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2
Accept that you can’t be with them. If you can’t be together because the other person doesn’t want to, simply accept that there’s nothing you can do about it. No matter what you say or do, the person is still likely going to feel the same way. Stop getting your hopes up and torturing yourself by trying to convince them otherwise.
- It may also help to be frank with yourself. You might say, "Get a grip, Samantha. You can't date Peter because he's married. He's off-limits."
- Otherwise, if the person can’t see how valuable you are, then they don’t deserve you. Remember to tell yourself this at times when you are feeling low.
- Remind yourself that if you guys are meant to be together, the opportunity for a relationship will reappear. If not, they'll move out of your space.^{[6]
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  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
3
Practice self-compassion. Having self-love right now is key to moving on. Do things that make you feel strong and empowered. Focus on nurturing yourself, such as with positive affirmations, pampering, and doing other activities that you enjoy.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} For example, if you have a favorite hobby, then setting aside time each day or a few times per week to do that would be a good way to practice self-compassion.
- Self-love and compassion may also translate to taking it easy on yourself. Be okay with less-than-perfect work performance. Allow yourself a night off to binge-watch TV shows or movies. Call a friend to let them know you're feeling low.
- It may be wise to seek the help of a therapist if you are struggling with self-esteem problems. The therapist may be able to encourage you to see just how valuable you are and this may help you to move on.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Keeping Yourself Busy

1
Take up a new hobby to keep yourself busy. Sitting around and thinking about this person constantly is not only unproductive, but could make you extremely depressed. Instead, use your energy to take up a new hobby. Keeping your body and mind occupied is key right now to stop yourself from dwelling on this sad aspect of your life.
- If you can’t find a hobby you enjoy doing, go online to look for opportunities to have fun. For example, you could join a club, start exercising, travel, or do anything you’ve always wanted to do. There’s no better time than now to start focusing on you.^{[9]
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2
Look for someone else to start moving on. It may be hard to imagine yourself with anyone except for this person, but doing so is a good idea. Finding someone else to spend time with can help you realize that there is someone out there who understands what a catch you are. It can also make you stop thinking about this person who is unattainable.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
- You could join an online dating site, or ask your friends and family to connect you with someone. You may also be able to connect with someone at your church, school, or job. You may be surprised at how many people you’ve looked over because you are only focusing on the person you couldn’t have.^{[11]
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3
Visualize your next significant other. Think about the traits of the next person you want to have a relationship with. Be honest and true to yourself about what you really want. Doing this may prevent you from getting into the same situation you are in now.
- Don’t settle for anything less than what you really want. You may be tempted to get over this person, but falling for someone who isn’t what you want may not make you fully happy, and you deserve to be happy.^{[12]
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  Research source} Eventually, you will meet the right person and realize why your other situation didn't work out.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
4
Get encouragement and support from others. Talking about how you feel is vital to your mental health. Bottling up your emotions and feelings may seem like a good idea at first, but you’ll never feel better holding onto your anger, hurt, bitterness, and even grief. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you feel, and you’ll heal much faster.
- You may even want to join a support group or speak to a counselor about your situation. They may be able to offer you ideas on how to move on and can give your self-confidence a boost so that you can meet the person you were meant to.

Community Q&A

Question

I have a really big crush on a friend, but I'm not allowed to date yet. Any advice???

Community Answer

Maintain your friendship and see if the feelings grow. If they don't, you might decide to tell him. If not, you won't have jeopardized the friendship.