How to Get Out of the Dog House

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 12, 2023 References

Sometimes you mess up pretty badly with your spouse or your significant other. While it may not end a relationship, you can be “sent to the dog house,” or resentfully ignored, by the person you wronged. You may even be told to sleep on the couch or spend the night at a friend’s house if your partner is really upset. Getting out of the dog house might take some work, but it will be worth it in the end to start repairing your relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking about the Issue

1
Give your partner space if they need it. Sometimes, being put in the “dog house” is just your partner’s way of taking some time for themselves. If they don’t want to talk right away, give them time until they feel like they can have a conversation calmly and rationally. They might tell you they need space verbally, or they might walk away from the argument to take a breather.^{[1]
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- Needing a break from someone isn’t personal. Some people just need more time to process their feelings.
- Sometimes, people don’t know how to handle their emotions so they’ll give you the silent treatment. If that happens, feel free to approach them so you can talk about your issues.
2
Reflect on the situation to figure out what went wrong. If you aren’t sure why you’re in the dog house, take a few moments to think about what has happened recently. If you and your partner got in a fight, it’s probably related to the argument. If you realize you forgot an important occasion or you let your partner down, it may be a result of your actions.^{[2]
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- Coming up with what you did wrong on your own can make your partner feel understood.
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3
Ask your partner what’s wrong if you don’t know. If you aren’t sure how you ended up in the dog house, approach the person who’s mad at you and ask what the problem is. Chances are, you might know what you did wrong, so you don’t have to ask if you already know.^{[3]
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- Sometimes, asking what you did wrong can make the person angrier. Think about what the problem could be before you ask them what you did to avoid making the problem worse.
- After reflecting on your mistake, own up and admit what you did wrong. Show them you care by admitting your mistake.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
4
Listen to your partner without interrupting them. When your partner talks, let them say everything that they need to say without interjecting. Even if you feel like you want to jump in and make excuses, wait until they’re done to clarify or apologize so they can express themselves.^{[5]
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- If you don’t listen to them, you won’t be able to understand exactly why you’re in the dog house.
5
Avoid getting defensive or coming up with excuses. When you hear your partner talk about why they’re upset, it can be easy to come up with a million reasons why you did what you did. However, this can make your partner feel unheard and could make the situation worse. If you feel yourself getting defensive, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re in this together.^{[6]
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- Listening to your partner and letting them say what they need to say will resolve the issue much quicker.
6
Validate your partner’s feelings. After your partner has explained why they are upset, acknowledge that you respect how they’re feeling and that you can understand why they are feeling that way. Doing this will show your partner that you’re mature enough to accept the blame for your part in the argument and that you can put yourself in their shoes.^{[7]
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- Say something like, “I can see why that would make you upset. If you did that to me, I’d probably feel the exact same way.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Resolving the Issue

1
Apologize sincerely for what you did. Be clear about what you’re apologizing for and accept responsibility for what you did.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Try not to make excuses so the person knows that you’re serious, and only apologize if you truly mean it.^{[9]
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- Say something like, “I’m sorry that I spoke harshly to you in front of our friends. I can see how it would make you feel bad, and I know it wasn’t the right way to handle the situation.”
2
Come up with a plan to avoid the problem in the future. Apologies are great, but they’re just words. Talk with your spouse or partner to make a plan on how you can avoid getting into the situation that led to the apology in the first place. Then, you can avoid getting into the dog house in the future.^{[10]
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- For example, if you spoke too harshly to your partner in public, you can make a plan to save your disagreements for when you’re alone instead of hashing it out in front of others.
- Or, if you forgot to make dinner reservations for your anniversary, set a reminder on your phone or calendar so you don’t forget it in the future.
- Or, if you promised you’d be home on time but you were late, agree to watch the clock while you’re at work and call your partner if you’re running late.
3
Work on being a better partner. You’ve made the plans for avoiding the conflict in the future—now it’s time to stick to them.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Think about what you and your partner agreed upon and make changes in your daily life to avoid being in the dog house in the future.^{[12]
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- For example, if you planned on hashing out your issues alone instead of in public, make sure you work on keeping your arguments to yourself until you get home.
- Or, if you promised to remember your anniversary plans, make sure you marked your calendar and plan something really special for the next major holiday.
- Or, if you constantly come home late from work, call your partner so they know that you won’t be home on time.
4
Be patient if your partner needs time to heal. Even if you’ve apologized, your partner may not be ready to forgive and forget just yet. Give your partner some time and space to recover, and try to prove with your actions that you’re trying to be a better partner.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- Some people need a lot of time to recover from an argument, while others can bounce back pretty quickly. You know your partner the best, so give them all the time that they need.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making up for the Mistake

1
Do chores around the house without expecting a thank you. Clean the kitchen, start some laundry, vacuum the carpet, and mop the floors. Your partner might not thank you for your good deeds, but they will notice and appreciate them.
- Cleaning is also a great way to relieve stress in a healthy manner.
2
Be comically sweet and apologetic. Do things that are shamelessly humble, so the person who's mad at you won't be able to resist laughing. How about serenading them when they come downstairs in the morning? Or writing "I'm sorry" with frozen hot dogs across their car dashboard? The fact is, if someone cares for you, they can only stay mad at your for so long, and humor is a great way to disarm them.
- Make sure you only do this after you’ve apologized sincerely. If you treat every “I’m sorry” like a joke, you could make your partner even angrier.
3
Make your partner laugh. There’s no better way to resolve an argument than to make your significant other laugh with you (or at you). Think about what your partner likes and what might give them a chuckle to break the ice between you two after you make up.^{[14]
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- For example, you could write them a love note with a pun on the front of it.
- Or, you could tell a story about how you lost your car in the parking lot one time and thought it had gotten stolen.
4
Plan a fun date for the two of you. Nothing says that you care more than making reservations or plans for a fun day out. Think about what your partner likes to do and book some activities that the two of you can do together. Try to do all of the planning yourself so your partner knows you’re making a sweet gesture.^{[15]
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- For example, you could plan a hike and then stop at a diner on the way home to grab a bite to eat.
- Or, you could make dinner reservations and then go see a new movie in theaters.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you make things right in a relationship?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

Apologize! There are few words more powerful than "I'm sorry." State what you're sorry for, and make sure it directly relates to whatever caused the hurt.
Question

How do you make it up to your girlfriend after hurting her?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

Make a commitment to never do the hurtful thing again and stick to it! Your actions speak louder than words. If you make a promise to never commit the offense again, make yourself accountable by holding up your end of the promise. For example, if you vowed not to lie, monitor your words and choose honesty with your partner, even if it's hard.