How to Get Back a Girl Who You Hurt

Written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW | Edited by Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

You probably feel like your girl is gone forever, but you can get her back. Everyone makes mistakes, and your relationship can still be fixed. It might take time, but we’ll help you get back a girl you hurt. We’ll walk you through all the steps you need to take to prove to her that you’ve changed and you’re the right person for her.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Text her to invite her to talk in person.

It's better to have emotional conversations face to face. It's important that she be able to see your facial expressions and hear your tone of voice as you apologize.^{[1]
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Research source} Tell her in the text that you want to talk about what happened, and ask her to meet you in a neutral location where you can talk things over.
- You might text her, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our fight, and I’m so sorry for name-calling. That was totally inappropriate. Can we talk about it?”
- You could also say, “I can’t stop thinking about you. Kissing Sarah at the party was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’ll do anything to make this better. Can we just talk?”
- She might say "no," but don't lose hope just yet. Instead, text back, "I totally understand. Is it okay if I check back with you next week?" If she says "no" again, text, "I'll leave you alone. Just know that you can text me anytime if you change your mind." Hopefully, she'll have a change of heart.
- If you’re in a long distance relationship or just can’t meet up, it’s okay to apologize over video chat since it’s too hard to meet in-person.

2

Apologize sincerely for what you did.

Explain how bad you feel and own up to your mistake.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.} Start your apology by saying what you did wrong so she knows you understand. Then, acknowledge that your actions hurt her and tell her how terrible you feel about it. Finish your apology by promising to never do it again.^{[3]
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Research source}
- You could say, “I know it was wrong for me to flirt with someone else. I really hurt you and made you feel less important, and I feel so awful about it. You’re the only girl I want, and I promise I’ll never flirt with anyone else again.”
- Alternatively, say something like, “I feel so bad about teasing you. I could tell it really hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry about that. I won’t ever tease you again. I promise.”
- You might also say, “I’m so sorry I forgot about your birthday party. I can’t believe I did that, and I swear it’ll never happen again. Please let me take you out to celebrate.”

3

Listen to her side of the story.

Give her a chance to respond and focus on what she's saying. Additionally, listen to everything she has to say without interrupting her. Once she’s finished, repeat back what she said in your own words so she knows you were listening. This will show her that you truly care about making amends.^{[4]
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- For example, let’s say she’s upset that you flirted with a mutual friend. She might tell all about how it hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about herself. You might repeat back, “It sounds like you felt ignored and betrayed. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that.”

4

Ask for forgiveness.

Seeking forgiveness is important if you want to fix your relationship. Once you’ve apologized, be direct about wanting forgiveness. However, give her time to respond because she might not be ready to forgive you yet. Tell her you’re willing to wait for her response.^{[5]
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- You could say, “Will you please forgive me? I don’t need an answer today, and I understand if you need time to think about it.”
- As another option, say, “I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me. I know you might need some time to think about it.”

5

Offer to make it up to her.

Ask her how you can make it up to her. Do your best to follow through on what she says. Through your actions, you’ll prove to her that this relationship is important to you. Showing her how much you care can help you get her back.^{[6]
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- Say, “How can I make this up to you?” or “What can I do to make you feel better?”
- For instance, she might want you to spend more time with her working on your relationship.

6

Shower her with compliments so she knows you care.

Be specific about what you love about her. Compliment her personality, her appearance, and her accomplishments.^{[7]
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Research source} Your appreciation will prove to her that you really value her, and hopefully it’ll help you get her back.
- You could say, “I love listening to you sing,” or “I appreciate how kind and thoughtful you are.”
- You can totally text her compliments! You might even schedule specific times of the day to text her so you don’t forget.

7

Take steps to be a better person.

Prove to her that you won’t make the same mistake again. Really reflect on what you did and how it all happened. Then, commit to taking a different action next time. This will show her that you’ve changed.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For example, let’s say you forgot an important event, like her birthday. You might get her small gifts, such as candy, to represent all of her special days. Write her special dates on the candies and give them to her.
- Maybe you forgot to reply to her texts. You could make it up to her by texting her a lot more. Send her funny memes and ask about her day. You could also say, “I’m thinking of you” or “I just want to let you know you’re amazing.”
- If you cheated on her at a party, you might decide to skip parties for a while.

8

Give her a small gift to remind her of the good times.

Doing something nice for her will show her you care.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.} Think of a favorite memory you two made together. It might be a date you went on, a special moment you shared, or a song you both like. Get or make a small gift that will remind her of that moment.
- For example, you might make her a playlist of love songs.
- You could send her a meal from the restaurant where you went on your first date via DoorDash or UberEats.
- You might buy her a bouquet of her favorite flowers.

9

Show her she can trust you again.

Don’t just talk a good talk—take action to avoid repeating your mistakes.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.} Start by being there for her and following through on your promises. Additionally, treat her well and make her your priority. Be honest about what you’re doing, and don’t keep secrets.^{[11]
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Research source}
- For example, show up for dates on time and text her when you say you will.
- If you’re going out with friends, tell her. Text her, “I’m going out with the guys tonight, but I’ll text you good night when I get home.”
- It takes time to rebuild trust, so be patient. In time, she’ll see you’re there for her.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- While it’s important to keep your promises, sometimes things go wrong. For example, bad traffic might make you late for a date with her. Just let her know what happened as soon as possible.

10

Focus on the future instead of the past.

We all make mistakes, so don’t be too hard on yourself. All you can do is learn from them and do better next time. Be the good partner you want to be. In time, she’ll recognize that you’re not the same person who hurt her.^{[13]
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- For instance, don’t keep apologizing or worrying if you’re a good partner. Instead, remind yourself that you’re doing good things now.
- Start building a better future by giving her your time and attention. Call and text her regularly, and take her out on dates if you can.

11

Give her space if she’s really upset.

She’ll probably need some time to herself while she’s hurting. It's normal for her to ask for some space, so try to avoid feeling rejected at this point. Respect her request for space. In the meantime, try to spend time with your friends and family so you won't feel so sad.^{[14]
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- Every situation is different, so she may not need space.

12

Try the no-contact rule to get her back.

Going no-contact gives her time and space to miss you. For 30 to 60 days, don’t call, text, or see her. Additionally, ignore any communication from her. Hopefully, she’ll process her anger and pain during this time and realize she wants to repair your relationship.^{[15]
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- Tell her you plan to go no-contact. You might text her something like "I can tell you're still really upset, so I'm going to stop contacting you," or “It seems like you really need some space, so I won’t be texting you for a while.”
- When your no-contact period ends, send her a nice text such as, “How have you been doing?” or “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”
- It’s possible your girlfriend will move on during the no-contact period. While that may be painful, you’ll also be in a good place to move on.

13

Be patient with her because it takes time to heal.

If you try to rush her, you might accidentally push her away. Waiting for an answer can be a nerve-wracking experience, but it's the only way to fix things. In the meantime, focus on other important relationships in your life.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For example, you could reconnect with friends or family members.

14

Take care of yourself.

Make self-care a priority because you’re hurt, too. Hurting someone you care about is a painful experience, so do things you enjoy right now. Go out with friends, play games, engage in your favorite hobby, or watch your favorite show. Get your mind off your relationship by staying busy.^{[17]
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- Say nice things to yourself to show yourself some compassion. You might say, “I’m doing my best right now,” or “I’m worthy of love.