This article is based on an expert interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, conducted by wikiHow Staff Editors. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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When someone we're talking to gets defensive, they're often reacting to feeling hurt. Usually this hurt is bringing up strong feelings from the past, and has nothing to do with us. By seeing this reaction as a flag showing us where someone's emotional wound is, we have an opportunity to continue the conversation with care. In this video, Licensed Clinical Social Worker Kelli Miller shares tips to navigate someone's defensiveness in a conversation, and how to get at the root of the problem with greater compassion.
Key Takeaways
- People often get defensive and angry when old wounds from their past are triggered.
- Try not to take it personally if your partner gets defensive—they’re likely not reacting that way because of you.
- Have compassion when someone gets defensive. You can ask them, “Did I do something to hurt you?”
Video Transcript
Remember that most of the time anger is just an expression of hurt underneath. So if you notice that your partner's angry, you can ask them genuinely and kindly, “How did I hurt you?” Getting at the root of hurt helps cut through that anger. I always like to say, “If it's hysterical, it’s historical,” meaning that if you're feeling something really strongly, it's probably tied to your past, and same with your partner. You may wonder why they're getting so angry, so it helps to think, “Oh, is this familiar to them and their past?” Or again, if it's you, “Did my parent used to do this to me?” Try to recognize that in your partner and think, “Hmm, what's going on might not be about me, and it might be tied to their past.” And this way it'll help you have more compassion.
