How to Establish a Long Distance Relationship

Last Updated: November 24, 2022 References

Just about any relationship has times when it becomes tough. Long-distance relationships may experience these tough moments more frequently. Not seeing your partner daily or even weekly can put a strain on the relationship and have you wondering if it’s going to work. By setting ground rules, staying in touch regularly, and focusing on the little things, you can increase your chances of successfully establishing a long-distance relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Setting Ground Rules

1
Talk about what is acceptable and not acceptable in the relationship. Long-distance relationships come with a variety of challenges. One of the biggest is temptation. Establish with your partner at the beginning of the coupledom what you will and won’t tolerate, to avoid any question later on.
- For instance, decide if seeing other people or going on dates with others is something you’re comfortable with.
- Make your feelings about this well-known if you decide to pursue a long-distance relationship.^{[1]
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- Remember that it isn't all or nothing. You can start off seeing other people, then choose a date to become exclusive.
2
Discuss how often you will communicate with each other. If you’re like many, not hearing from your significant other for a few weeks is going to create some friction. However, hearing from them constantly throughout the day can create the idea that trust is lacking. Decide from the start how often you want to communicate with each other, and stick to that commitment.
- You could set a rule that you should text each other every day or talk on the phone twice a week.
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3
Commit to trusting each other. Long-distance relationships are built on trust. You have to be able to trust the person in order to make it work. If you constantly feel like you are defending yourself or are being questioned about your intentions, or vice versa, you likely aren’t going to have a lasting relationship.
- Make a rule that you are going to trust each other 100 percent.^{[2]
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4
Discuss a feasible deadline. Chances are you don’t want to stay in a long-distance relationship for the rest of your life. Decide how long you are going to be apart from the beginning. Having an end goal of living near each other can give you hope when you’re feeling unsure.
- You could decide that you're going to move to where your partner lives after a year.
- Or, you could make a plan to relocate after 6 months.^{[3]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Staying in Touch Regularly

1
Use technology to see other often. There’s only so much that can happen over texting or talking over the phone. People in relationships want to see each other and if they can’t, they may forget why they entered the coupledom in the first place. Fortunately, you can use technology to see the face of your significant other, just about whenever you want.
- Certain apps and services like Skype and Facebook Messenger allow you to video-conference on your phone or computer. Make use of these as often as you can to feel connected.^{[4]
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2
Do things together virtually. Engaging in virtual activities together makes it seem like you are in a close-distance relationship and allows you to have fun as a couple. What you choose to do will together will depend on your individual interests. There are playful options to fit any couple's quirks.
- For example, go online and play a computer game together, or get matching video game systems and compete together there. You can also play games against each other on your phone.^{[5]
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- You might also watch movies or TV shows together or learn a skill like computer-coding.
3
Plan visits as often as you can. Couples need some kind of physical interaction and you can’t get that unless you see each other in person. Simply holding hands or sharing a meal together can make a huge difference in your relationship and keep that spark going strong. Stay committed to seeing each other as often as you can.
- Make standing “dates” with each other, whether it’s every weekend, every two weeks, or once a month.^{[6]
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4
Do similar things together. Part of being a couple is sharing and engaging in interests together. Doing so gives you something to talk about and helps you learn about each other.
- You could decide to start reading the same book at the same time and have a book club of sorts.
- Or, you could start the same exercise program or diet together.^{[7]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Focusing on the Little Things

1
Forget what a “typical” relationship is supposed to look like. If you worry that your relationship doesn’t fit the mold, stop. Going in thinking it’s not going to work will put a damper on the relationship from the start. Stop worrying about what’s happening and just do what feels right.
- You may need to tell your friends and family to butt out if they regularly make you question your relationship.
- “I understand you are looking out for me, but your constant criticisms about my relationship just aren’t working for me."
- "I’d appreciate it if we didn’t talk about my love life.”^{[8]
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2
Send each other gifts, just because. Part of the excitement of a relationship is doing things for each other simply out of love. You and your partner don’t need to miss out on this just because you’re in a long-distance relationship. You can give each other tokens of your affection, even if you don’t live near each other.
- Send the other person flowers.
- Have a bottle of wine sent to the table you know they’re eating at.
- Write a letter professing your feelings.^{[9]
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3
Show up to functions that really matter. Try not to use your distance as an excuse to not attend events that really matter to the other person. Being there when they need you, or surprising them by showing up, can really give the person an idea of just how committed you are and how much you mean to them.
- Deaths in the family, birthdays, holidays, and promotions are all big life events.^{[10]
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Expert Q&A

Question

When does contempt set in between partners?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Contempt can set in when one person is adhering strictly to the initial guidelines for a long-distance relationship, and the other is not. For example, you always call at the agreed upon time, and they are out and do not even answer. Or, they repeatedly change the weekend that you will visit. Best to consider splitting up once contempt sets in!
Question

What if you want to have a long distance relationship with your crush?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

If you want to have a long distance relatonship with your crush, you will have to work at it. Re-read the above article, and see if you two can both agree to some basic ground rules. Will you date others, or not. How frequently will you be in touch through texting, email or Skype? How often, if at all, will it be possible to get together physically? Best of luck!