How to Detach from Someone

Co-authored by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Last Updated: February 22, 2023 References Approved

The process of detaching from someone can seem overwhelming, but you can do it either in part or whole by starting to care less about what they think. You can detach from them temporarily or break up with them (or break off the friendship) entirely. In either case, it is important to understand what steps to take to successfully detach and how you might cope with a detachment in your daily life.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Space

1
Decide if you should detach. Detaching temporarily from someone can be useful in helping you determine whether or not you want to continue being in a relationship with that person. Rather than breaking up with a romantic partner or cutting off a friend, pull yourself away emotionally so that you can think about what to do without causing the drama of an all-out breakup.^{[1]
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- Breaking up on impulse can make you regret your decision later, causing you to want the relationship back. Detaching slowly and carefully considering your actions can help you make a final decision that you don’t go back on later in life.^{[2]
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  Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.}
- You might want to detach from a romantic relationship because you realize that over time, you and your partner have changed, or because they have a negative character flaw they are unwilling to work on.
- You might want to detach from a friendship because your friend has developed damaging behaviors, or because you realize they are never going to change a negative behavior.
- You might want to detach from a parent if they are overbearing or consistently rude.
- Take time to write out a list of pros and cons of detaching. Figure out if there are consequences you will need to plan for, such as loss of financial support or a change in lifestyle.
2
Talk to someone you trust. If you are considering detaching from someone temporarily to think about things, find friends or relatives who will support your decision rather than nag you about it. ^{[3]
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Research source} You should also ask people you trust for advice about how to respond to the person you are detaching from.
- When seeking advice or support, say something like, "Do you think I could tell you about my situation, and you could tell me what you would do?"
- You also need others to provide a distraction so that you fill the void the other person was filling.
- Go to others when you need help with things like fixing the computer or advice about a decision.
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3
Set emotional boundaries. Detaching emotionally means that you are pulling away inwardly, not banishing the other person from your life. If you live with them, for example, you can still share all practical activities, such as eating meals together and discussing events and other superficial topics.^{[4]
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- If you have children together, it is important to continue the daily routines, even if you have activities with the children that you usually do together. This includes things like attending sports games or putting them to bed.
- To give yourself an emotional boundary during a conversation, keep the topics superficial and avoid discussing how you feel about things (i.e., sharing your opinion) and asking for advice. If you are asked a personal question, you can say that you do not want to discuss it at the moment.
4
Be honest. Even though your partner or friend may be confused by your behavior, you don't have to confide in them that you are trying to detach. Doing so may open the door for them to get angry, try to convince you to stop, or other such behavior. However, you should be prepared to answer their questions honestly. ^{[5]
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- If they directly ask you what you’re doing, say, “I am taking the time to think about our relationship.” Be prepared to explain what you mean and answer any questions truthfully. “We’ve had a rough year, I feel emotionally exhausted, and I am taking the time to process how I feel about it all. I hope that you will give me the time to do that.”^{[6]
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  Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.}
- Do not treat this as a game. You are serious about thinking about the relationship. You are not withholding emotional intimacy to get attention.
5
Take a physical break from that person. It is advisable to take a physical break from the person you are detaching from, even if a short one. Take a weekend trip by yourself or with friends so that you have a change of scenery and perspective. You may still be interacting with them in your daily life, but a weekend getaway can refresh your perspective and help you come to a decision.
- Taking a step back from a situation can help you see it from a wider angle, perhaps noticing things you didn’t see before.^{[7]
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- A physical break also means a break from physical intimacy. You cannot truly emotionally detach from someone you are having sex with.^{[8]
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- If you decide to stop having sex with someone, they may ask why, so be prepared with your answer about thinking about the relationship.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Maintaining Boundaries

1
Consider the effects of detaching from this person. If you are thinking seriously about cutting off all communication with someone, then it is also important to think seriously about what the result of doing that might be. In addition to the emotional effects, detaching from someone may also affect your financial, social, or professional life.
- Try to make arrangements for any negative effects of detaching from someone. For example, if you have children with someone, then you will need to make arrangements so that you can still see your children on a regular basis. If you rely heavily on someone for financial support, then you will need to find a way to support yourself.
2
Evaluate your decision. If you have made the decision to detach permanently from a relationship, knowing why will help you stick to your decision and save you from getting involved in the relationship again. Reflect on what your life would be like without them present and how they might react.
- Write down or record yourself talking about why you are deciding to detach from someone. These will serve as reminders when you feel yourself wanting to go back.
- Make a list of reasons why you should detach. On this list might be because they create too much chaos, they take advantage of you, that you were losing yourself in them, and so on.
3
Get away from the person. To permanently detach from someone, you have to cut off contact and get out of that person’s daily life, at least for a while. If you keep a person in your life who you truly want to detach from, you are setting both of you up for emotional pain.^{[9]
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- Even if you still want to be friends, you need time away from the person to heal from the emotional attachment before you can attempt being friends. Otherwise, your past is too fresh, and you will be tempted to settle into old habits of intimacy.
4
Take a social media break. Another step toward detaching from someone is getting off of social media for a few days or weeks. Your relationship with this person, whether romantic or platonic, was most likely public on social media, and people may ask you questions. You may also see their posts, which makes it difficult to detach entirely.
- Social media also records all of your text interactions, so it is easy to read old posts and recall old feelings, none of which help you detach.
- You may want to consider making a general post to your friends to explain the situation so that they don’t talk to you about it.
- You may also want to delete the person you are detaching from off of all social media so that you can no longer see their profile or communicate in this way.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Taking Care of Your Emotional Needs

1
Pay attention to your own needs. When you are detaching from someone who was important in your own life, it is imperative that you rediscover yourself. No matter who the person the is, they made an impact on your daily life and how you saw the world. Now that they are gone, you must face life in a new way. The best place to start is discovering things you enjoy doing by yourself.
- You need to learn how to cope with life without this person, which may mean finding answers to things they used to help you with, making decisions on your own, and so on.
- Consider learning a new skill or visiting places you haven’t able to yet to discover what you are good at and where your weaknesses lie.
2
Take steps to move on. Start to move on from this person by looking forward to something new. Seek a new beginning, whether that means going back to school, joining a club or organization, even chasing a dream, you have been afraid to pursue.^{[10]
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- Use visualization to imagine how happy you will be in these new settings and doing these new activities.
- Consider dating again or striking up new friendships once you have had time to recover and stop being angry at the person you were detaching from.
3
Learn about detachment. To truly detach from someone, it is helpful to understand what detachment is. For one thing, detachment is becoming calm and not allowing others to get under your skin. It means maintaining your internal balance. But it does not mean that you stop caring about what is going on around you. It is essentially a state of being able to accept whatever happens.
- This detachment allows you to stop caring what they think and make decisions based on your best judgement, rather than feeling pressure to conform to the other person’s desires.
- Because detachment is a state of mind, it is a handy skill to have to endure the negatives in life.
- For example, you may find that you cling to pleasure and fear pain, but practicing detachment will give you the ability to go through difficulty with humor and a sense of “this too shall pass.”^{[11]
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4
Find a support system. Detaching from someone you care about is painful, and realizing that you are not alone can help you make the plunge. Gather friends and relatives around you by inviting them out to events with you. You can also attempt to make new friends to fill the void. Find someone you can confide in, and find a peer group you can trust.^{[12]
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- Set goals about building a support system. For example, you can write down lists of people in your life now and people you want to be there in the future by creating a visual diagram.^{[13]
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- Approach people, you would like to be in your support system by asking them if they would like to be friends with you. Be honest about your needs.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you tell if a friend needs space?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try to ask them openly. You might say, "Do you need some space?" or "Would it be helpful for you to talk right now, or would it be helpful for you to just have some space?"
Question

How do you master detachment?

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

You don't. There is no perfect way to do this. People are wired to be connected. On top of that, your personal situation is going to be totally unique to you. There is no single right way to do this.
Question

Does it help to talk to my partner about this?

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

It certainly can! If the two of you are handling this well, talking to them about how uncertain you are about the future can bring you a lot of clarity.

Warnings

When trying new things that are physically demanding (like an exercise routine or a new sports hobby), make sure you are healthy and fit.

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