How to Deal with the Heartbreak of Being the Other Woman

Co-authored by Vernita Marsh, PhD and Kai Hynes

Last Updated: April 21, 2022 References

Getting over the hurt of being the “other woman” takes some time. Like any form of heartbreak, dealing with it takes a lot of self-reflection and personal emotional work, but it also requires support from the people who love and support you. You’re not alone in this. Trust us. For tips on how to start healing from the heartbreak of being the other woman and what to do next, read on.

1

Accept your feelings.

You’re entitled to feel sad. No matter what anyone tells you, know that you’re allowed to feel confused and upset at your situation.^{[1]
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Research source} Only after giving yourself time to grieve and process can you start thinking about ways to heal!
- It can help to say to yourself out loud, “I’m not alone in this,” or “It’s ok to be sad.” Affirming your own feelings in this way can help you move on from them.

2

Don’t blame yourself.

You can’t allow society’s expectations dictate how you feel. Don’t let morals and ethics get in the way of how you’re actually feeling! In a situation like this, you can’t think too much about what’s “good” and “bad.”^{[2]
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Research source} Focus on the relationship itself, and how you want to move forward with it.
- Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m not a bad person.” Believe it!
- Just remember: it takes two to have an affair. It’s not fair for you to have to carry all the guilt yourself.

3

Distract yourself for a bit.

Constantly fixating on feeling heartbroken is draining. Get your mind off it for a while by investing time and energy into other areas of your life. Focus on things that make you feel successful, like work or hobbies. Allow yourself some distance from your heartbroken feelings so you can return to them later with a fresh perspective.
- Engaging in physical activity is a great way to distract yourself from negative thoughts. Exercise is a great example of this!
- Spending time with friends and family is another way to get your mind off things for a while.
- Self-care is a good way to help yourself calm down during this tough time.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Vernita Marsh, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
  Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.}

4

Find a support system.

Don’t isolate yourself. No matter how embarrassed or scared you feel, it’s crucial that you stay in contact with friends and family who show you unconditional love and support. Like a heartbroken person under any circumstances, you deserve sympathy!^{[4]
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Research source} The desire to retreat is natural during heartbreak, but severing connections will do more harm than good over time.
- Try regularly chatting with people you trust. You don’t have to disclose details if you feel it’s unsafe. Just tell them you’re going through a tough time and ask for their support.

5

Confide in someone.

Talk to a friend about your situation. Sharing your situation with someone openly and honestly can help you feel less “stuck” in a situation that makes you feel hopeless or directionless.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.} That being said, it’s important that you pick your confidant wisely.^{[6]
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Research source} Consider these factors before talking to a friend:
- Are they a good listener? Make sure this person is someone who has shown you attention in the past. Eye contact and “supportive sounds” (wow, tsk, sigh, etc.) are signs of this.
- Are they supportive? Avoid talking to someone who might want to play devil’s advocate. Pick someone who you know will be on your side as you tell your story.
- Are they empathetic? Choose a friend who usually “gets” things from your point of view and verbally affirms that they understand how you feel.
- Are they likely to make things about themselves? Don’t talk to someone who will inevitably make the conversation about themselves.
- Are they loyal? Make sure this person is someone who can keep a secret, in case you don’t want certain information being spread around.

6

Avoid speaking with anyone involved.

Reaching out to a mutual friend can complicate things. If you’re looking for people to talk to in a time like this, avoid anyone involved in both sides of the relationship.^{[7]
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Research source} They may feel they have to pick sides, which can get in the way of supporting you.
- If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, consider reaching out to friends of yours who aren’t involved with your partner.
- Avoid reaching out to the other person your partner is involved with. If they reach out to you, that’s a different story. Whether you respond is up to you.

7

Face the truth of your situation.

Recognize if the root of your heartbreak is wishful thinking. When you’re thinking about the future of a relationship you’re in, it can be easy to conflate fantasy with reality. This is especially true in an affair.^{[8]
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Research source} Take a moment to step outside of your emotions and objectively ask yourself these questions:
- How has my relationship with my partner been growing?
- Does my partner care about making me happy in the long run?
- Will my partner ever leave the other person they’re with to be with me?
- If my partner is willing to lie to the other person they’re with, could they lie to me?
- Can I realistically have a loyal and loving long-term relationship with my partner?

8

Envision the future you want for yourself.

Seriously consider whether this relationship is worth pursuing. Think about your wants and needs in a long-term relationship.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.} Does your partner provide you with these things? You may realize that after the initial excitement of the affair has worn off, your partner is not really the person you want to spend your life with.^{[10]
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Research source}
- Try making a list of things you want out of a long-term relationship, like moving to a new city or raising kids together. Will your partner do these things with you?

9

Consider ending the relationship.

The best solution might be to leave. If you’ve imagined the future of this relationship and decided it might not be worth it, save yourself from any more possible heartbreak by leaving the relationship as soon as possible. This will not cure your heartbreak immediately, but living with uncertainty will definitely cause you more pain in the long run.^{[11]
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Research source}

10

Learn from the experience.

This one relationship will not define you. Regardless of what happens with this relationship, think about what you learned about yourself from being in it. Use this experience as fuel to grow as a partner in any relationships you might have in the future, whether that’s with this partner or someone else.^{[12]
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Research source}
- If you decide to end things, you don’t have to think about this relationship as a purely negative experience later in life. There were probably a lot of great things that came from it!

11

See a counselor.

Getting over heartbreak isn’t easy. If you’re struggling to get better and your negative thoughts and feelings worsen, consider seeking out professional advice.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.} Speaking with a medical professional about therapy or medication might be what you need to get out of this rut.
- Just remember that no matter how you go about it, these thoughts and feelings will pass and you can move on from them.

Expert Q&A

Question

What does it feel like being the other woman?

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Dr. Vernita Marsh is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO and Founder of Dr. Vernita Marsh & Associates and The Marsh Clinics®. With over 30 years of clinical psychology experience, she specializes in relationship therapy, grief counseling, family therapy, and intimate partner abuse counseling. Dr. Marsh offers consultation for therapists, coaches, and trainees of mental health. Dr. Marsh earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Michigan State University and completed both her postdoctoral and fellowship training at Harvard Medical School. She also has expertise in the area of Telehealth and has received Clinical Telehealth Health Provider Certification from Evergreen.

Vernita Marsh, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker

Expert Answer

Being the other woman is a really emotional experience. You might feel angry as well as insecure, and wonder if you weren't good enough for your cheating partner.