How to Handle an Age Gap in Your Relationship

Co-authored by Julia McCurley and Eric McClure

Last Updated: January 31, 2022 References

You can’t control who you fall for, and there’s nothing wrong with building a relationship with someone older or younger than you so long as you’re both consenting adults. Still, you may be a little worried or concerned about how big of a deal it might be if there’s a larger age gap. While there are certainly some unique obstacles, you can absolutely make things work with someone who isn’t the same age as you. In any case, we’ll walk you through everything you’d ever need when it where there may be a gap of 10 years or more between the two of you.

1

Accept that your differences exist.

It’s totally okay for the two of you to be different in some ways. If you’re older and you try to pretend like you’re still interested in clubbing or staying up all night, you’re going to get upset. If you’re younger, you may feel like you’re missing out if you try to act like you’re ready to settle down. Respect that some things are going to be different, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!^{[1]
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- Remember, relationships aren’t automatically perfect when both partners are identical. In fact, those relationships can be really uninteresting sometimes.
- There’s actually evidence that an age gap can be a good thing. Some studies indicate that relationships with an age discrepancy can last longer and be more fulfilling than couples where both partners are the same age.^{[2]
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2

Lean into mutual interests.

Having things you love to do together will obscure the age gap. By spending time together doing things that you’re both interested in, you’ll realize just how meaningless the age gap is in the grand scheme of things. Besides, having passions and interests as a couple is a perfect way to strengthen your bond together.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} If the two of you don’t have a mutual interest, find one!^{[4]
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- You could cook together every day to make dinner a special experience, or take a cooking class together.
- You might have a dedicated movie night if you’re both cinephiles, or game night if you’re both board game enthusiasts.
- If you’re both on the sporty side, you could pick up a new sport together. Tennis is an awesome couples activity!

3

Try new things together.

Staying active and exploring will help you grow as a couple. For the older partner, trying new things can really be reinvigorating and make them feel young again (even if they’re still pretty young). For the younger partner, exploring what the world has to offer with an older partner will help you build a foundation of shared experiences.^{[5]
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Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} Whether it’s trying a new restaurant or exploring a new country, don’t shy away from some exploration.^{[6]
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- Try new things in the bedroom. There’s a stereotype out there that the older you are, the less sexual you are. That’s certainly not the case for a lot of people, though. Shake things up!

4

Enjoy the cultural exchange.

Lean into it when you stumble on those age-specific differences. It can be exciting to stumble on an old movie your younger partner has never seen. It can be funny to walk your older partner through the latest Tik Tok challenge the crazy kids your age are obsessing over. Have fun sharing all of the things your partner may not be familiar with because of their age.^{[7]
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- It’s easy to feel embarrassed when this kind of stuff happens, but treat is as opportunity to share something and learn from one another.
- Don’t shy away from your differences. Instead, treat them as something worth celebrating and sharing with one another. It’s all about your attitude!^{[8]
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  Julia McCurley
  Certified Professional Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}

5

Treat one another as equals.

Things can get messy if you let an age gap turn into a power gap. An older partner should never think they know more than a younger person just because they have more life experience, and a younger partner should never write someone off for being “out of touch.”^{[9]
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Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} Treat each other as equals and avoid using your age gap as a justification for being rude or dismissive.^{[10]
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- In the heat of an argument, it can be tempting to lash out and say things like, “You just think that because you’re old,” or, “You don’t know anything, you’re just a kid.” This kind of language turns a disagreement into a fight, so don’t do it.

6

Learn to compromise.

It’s okay for the two of you to want different things sometimes. People in different life stages face unique challenges and have distinct desires. It’s okay to want something different than your partner, but you should both try to fulfill one another’s needs.^{[11]
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Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} Whenever possible, work together to find a middle ground.^{[12]
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- For example, if your older partner wants to spend more weekends relaxing and you still have a little party left in you, maybe you compromise by going out on Saturdays and leaving Fridays as your chill night together.
- If you’re dating a person younger than you and they want to travel more while you want to focus on work, maybe you compromise by turning big two-week trips into a few weekend trips so you don’t have to miss things at your workplace.

7

Discuss big life decisions calmly over time.

You may be in different stages of your life, so go slow on big choices. If you’re a 35-year-old woman dating a 45-year-old man, the urgency to have children before it is “too late” can make the conversation extremely difficult. Give yourselves plenty of time to work through major life changes. Whether it’s moving to a new city or having kids, you’re in different places age-wise so don’t rush anything.^{[13]
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- You’re both likely in different stages of life. For example, a 25-year-old may be thinking about going back to school, or pouring energy into their career. Their 35-year-old partner may be starting to wonder about moving to the burbs and starting a family.
- It’s okay to be in different places. It just means that you have to take your time working through your bigger decisions.

8

Address your insecurities together.

Talking about why you’re nervous will alleviate some anxiety. There are all kinds of anxieties that may develop when you’re dating someone a bit older or younger than you are. If you find yourself thinking, “Am I too old/young for them?” or, “Do they secretly want someone their own age?” talk about it. If it’s out in the open, you two can reassure one another and work it out.^{[14]
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- If you just keep these anxious feelings to yourself, you may start to resent your partner.
- Every relationship has its insecurities and challenges—age gap or not. Don’t get down about this, and remember that your age gap does not have to be a major obstacle.

9

Build a diverse group of mutual friends.

If your friend group is just as unique as you are, the gap won’t feel odd. Try to hang out with people younger and older than both of you. Dedicate your social energy to a wide variety of folks with different backgrounds, beliefs, and personalities. The more diverse your social circle is, the more you two will realize that age really is just a number.^{[15]
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- Age is just one part of what makes you you, and there’s no reason it has to be a defining factor in your relationship, the same way it doesn’t need to be a key part of your social life.

10

Forget about everyone else’s expectations.

You’ll be happier if you don’t let others dictate your relationship. Society may be sending messages all over the place that there’s something wrong with your relationship, but it’s totally normal to date older or younger than you.^{[16]
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Research source} Do not allow outside opinions to influence the way you two treat one another.
- One of the biggest factors on the survival of an age gap relationship is how much value the couple puts on the approval of others. If you two can ignore the haters, the age gap won’t feel so impactful.^{[17]
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- If someone puts you down or critiques you for dating someone younger or older than you, brush them off and don’t entertain it. Don’t allow your relationship to be impacted by the opinions of others.

11

Give yourselves time to get used to this.

This kind of issue typically gets easier as your relationship progresses. Age gaps can feel like a massive deal at first, but this is one of those problems that sort of solves itself if you let it. As you two find your rhythm and cadence as a couple, you find a way to work around whatever age-related quirks you have. Don’t worry too much if it’s still early!^{[18]
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- If your older partner tends to prefer going to bed earlier, you may just get used to reading in bed for a while before they snooze, or letting go of the expectation that you two go to sleep at the same time.
- If your younger partner wants to go out with friends on the weekend, you may feel insecure about it at first. Over time, you may realize its just not a big deal, or even start to enjoy going out with them!