How to Cope With a Friend That Is Also Friends with Someone That You Hate

Co-authored by Gera Anderson, PsyD and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: February 6, 2023 References

Have a friend you love spending time with, but they have a friend you just hate? That’s definitely not an easy spot to be in! Luckily, it’s totally possible to work around this situation. Whether you're looking to get some space or maintain the peace, we've got all the advice you need below. Jump right in to learn how to keep your cool and maintain your friendship, no matter who enters the picture.

Things You Should Know

Talk to your friend about your concerns in an honest and calm way.
Show empathy for the position your friend is in.
Try to be inclusive of your friend's buddy to keep the peace.
Maintain strong boundaries while remaining polite.

1

Explain your feelings to your friend if you need to.

An honest conversation might help your friendship in the long run. If you're worried that the issue is creating distance in your friendship, explain how you've been feeling. Be respectful of their friendship, let them know that you care about them, and make sure they understand that ultimately, you just want them to be happy. ^{[1]
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Research source} You might try to share something like:
- ”I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but Sarah seems to belittle me a lot.”
- ”I'm worried that my feelings about Sarah are going to affect our friendship.”
- ”I'm not trying to tell you who to be friends with, I just don't want this to come between us.”

2

Try to understand your friend’s perspective.

Understanding your pal's friendship could help you make peace with it. Whenever your friend talks about their friendship with someone you don't like, practice active listening skills. Look into your friend’s eyes and show you’re engaged. If you ever feel jealous when your friend describes how much they love the person you hate, take a deep breath. Embrace the opportunity to discover more about what your friend values.^{[2]
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- Reassure your friend that you appreciate what they shared: “That makes total sense. You and Sarah have a lot of history. I’m glad you can always count on her to stand up for you!”

3

Stay positive about your situation.

Offer solutions and an optimistic outlook about your friend’s buddy. Engage in positive reframing. Positive reframing is a technique where you notice negative events or “maladaptive” (unhelpful) thoughts and make an effort to change them, much like putting a picture in a new frame! Even if reframing can’t change the situation, it can change how you react to it and how you feel about it.^{[3]
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- Try asking yourself: “What can I learn from this that will help me grow?”
- Challenge the assumptions or beliefs behind some thoughts you might be having such as, “They are hanging out because my friend likes her more than me.”
- Use different wording to update your outlook. For example, change “I really hate her” to “I probably need to get to know her better” or “Maybe she's really struggling right now.”

4

Set and enforce boundaries with your friend's friend.

Feel free to be assertive if this person disrespects you. While you should always try and remain polite, it’s also totally okay to draw the line if anyone disrespects or abuses you. Instead of “fighting fire with fire” by being equally aggressive, just establish boundaries and outline how you expect to be treated.
- If the person is calling you names, try to ignore it or ask them to stop. Responding maturely will show your mutual friend that you are the bigger person and are more respectful.
- Show how calm and collected you are with a comment like, “I don’t appreciate you when you say that about my intelligence level. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”

5

Avoid clashes with your friend’s friend.

Resist confrontations with the person you dislike to stay stress-free. Maybe you’re really upset because your friend’s friend is being passive aggressive or just plain aggressive. Before you say anything you regret, take a deep breath and stay grounded. Remind yourself that later on, you’ll be glad that you kept your cool.
- You can journal about what you’d say to this person instead.
- Try more productive outlets, like exercising or painting.
- If you just need to unwind, treat yourself to a fun distraction like a good show.

6

Don’t compete with your friend’s friend.

To keep the peace, avoid any kind of rivalries. When you’re all hanging out together, it may be easy to develop an “us” vs. “them” mentality—but do your best to avoid this.^{[4]
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Research source} For example, your friend’s friend might try to make you jealous by telling you about how much fun they had without you. Even if you suspect that this person is trying to rile you up, be the bigger person and resist the urge to get into a power struggle with them.
- Remember why you're working hard at this in the first place—to maintain a good relationship with your friend! If you never seem competitive, your friend will definitely notice how easygoing you are.

7

Accept that it’s okay not to get along with everyone.

If someone is incompatible with you, don’t take it personally. Maybe your friend’s friend makes you feel tense or they don't acknowledge you when you're around. If the both of you just aren’t warming up to each other, chalk it up to different personality types or communication styles. If you're not cut from the same cloth, that's okay—instead of obsessing over this fact, try to accept it.
- Think about how brief your interactions might’ve been: “Sarah and I never had a single one-on-one conversation. It’s pretty obvious why we don’t have a connection.”
- Consider different opinions or interests: “Emily and I bond over our love of rom-coms, but Sarah thinks they’re silly. I guess I just won’t bring up how awesome meet-cutes are whenever Sarah’s around.”
- Pay attention to personality styles: “I’m really chill, while Sarah can be a bit intense. It makes sense that we don’t like to talk to each other that much.”

8

Focus on what you like about your friend's friend.

If you list this individual’s good qualities, you might warm up to them. Even if you can’t think of what you “love” about your friend’s friend right off the bat, make an effort to find something about them that you like. Not only will this make it easier to be around them, but it'll probably help you be kinder to them, too. When you're with your friend's friend, try to constantly remind yourself of the positives.
- Think about your common interests. Ask yourself—what do you both like?
- Focus on what you think is their best quality and go from there.
- Join in on an activity with them and create common ground.

9

Try to be inclusive of the person you don't like.

Be welcoming to create a better dynamic with your friend’s friend. Find ways to hang out together as a group. For example, let's say that your friend contacts you and says, "Sarah and I are going to see a movie. You want to come?” Try going! Even if you’re a little unsure, you might actually end up having a really good time. As an added bonus, you might be able to help the situation by spending more time together as a group.
- You may learn something new about that person that might help you understand why they are the way they are.
- When you get a chance to see your friend and their friend hang out together, you might see this person let loose.
- You may find that you grow to like spending time with your friend's friend.
- If the three of you come together more regularly, you may become really close-knit.

10

Steer clear of any gossip.

Hold yourself back from any unkind words since they create negativity. Avoid talking about your friend's friend behind their back or gossiping about them. Any “bad mouthing” could come across as immature and mean—plus, it might make you look like the “bad guy” to your friend. At the end of the day, gossip can be harmful to you, your pal, and your friend group as a whole.^{[5]
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- Gossip can be a form of exclusion or bullying.
- Speaking badly about your friend’s friend can destroy your friend’s trust in you.
- Any negative words might encourage your friend’s friend to make rude remarks, too.

11

Express your feelings to a different friend.

Let it all out and vent to someone who won’t judge. Turn to someone neutral who's not connected to your friend group. Think about someone you trust who isn’t close to the individual you’re uncomfortable with. Text, call, or meet up to chat about your worries. You’ll probably feel more relieved and confident once you get everything off your chest.^{[6]
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- Start by saying you just need to express yourself: “I’m not trying to create any drama, but I need someone to hear me out.”
- Clarify that you want to keep the info confidential: “I don’t want Emily to know I’m not Sarah’s biggest fan.”
- Explain your position: “I feel like every time I try to talk, Sarah shoots me down.”

12

Focus on your healthy friendships.

Celebrate your great friendships instead of stressing about a bad one. To get your mind off of things, call up a bunch of buddies. Remember to be grateful about how lucky you are to have all of them. If you focus on the people who have your back, it’ll probably be easier to forget anyone who tries to get you down.
- Concentrate on how good you feel around the right people: “Katie and Jamie always lift me up when I’m down. I’ll hang out with them whenever I’m feeling frustrated or left out.”

13

Stay away from the person if they’re toxic.

If this individual consistently disrespects you, get some space. If you just can’t seem to find common ground with your friend’s friend, try to not be around them whenever possible. For your own mental health and quality of life, walk away from the negativity and focus on the more positive people in the group.^{[7]
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- If you ever feel like you’re “stuck” in an interaction with this person, try to make it as brief as possible.^{[8]
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14

Prioritize being happy with yourself.

Practice self-love so no one can get you down! Be the happy, confident, and fun person you are. If you’re nice and pleasant to interact with, then other people—including the friend you value—will want to be around you. You'll show everyone that spending time with you will be a great experience that’s drama-free.