How to Behave When You Like Your Best Friend's Boyfriend

Co-authored by Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II

Last Updated: February 19, 2023 Approved

Having a crush on your best friend’s boyfriend is hard, but there are ways handle the situation. Before you do anything else, it is important to make sure that you are behaving appropriately. You can also benefit from deciding on the best course of action for your feelings and finding ways to manage your feelings so that they do not become too overwhelming.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Examining Your Behavior

1
Consider the amount of time you spend talking to him. Talking to your best friend’s boyfriend a few minutes if you bump into him somewhere is no big deal, but talking with him for a few hours is a major red flag.
- If you are regularly calling, texting, or chatting online with your best friend’s boyfriend, then you are becoming more intimate with each other, even if there is nothing physical going on. The emotional intimacy you are developing can interfere with your friend’s relationship with her boyfriend and it can also develop into a physical relationship between you and him.
2
Decide if your conversations are appropriate. The topics that you discuss with your friend’s boyfriend can also help you to determine if your behavior is inappropriate. Some topics are harmless, such as talking about something that happened at school or work, discussing a recent episode of a TV show, or asking about each other’s plans for the summer. However, some topics are inappropriate for you to discuss with your best friend’s boyfriend.
- For example, if you and your best friend’s boyfriend are having conversations where you talk about sex, your best friend, or where you are expressing interest in each other, then this is a red flag.
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3
Examine your motives. Your reasons for wanting to talk to your best friend’s boyfriend can also help you to decide if you are behaving in an appropriate manner.
- For example, if you are seeking out opportunities to talk to your best friend’s boyfriend in the hopes that he will admit that he likes you or that something else will happen, then you are behaving inappropriately.
4
Think about how your friend responds. The way that your best friend reacts to your interactions with her boyfriend can also help you to determine if you are being inappropriate or not. If your best friend has expressed jealousy or anger about your interactions with her boyfriend, then you should respect her and avoid repeating the same behavior.
- For example, if your best friend says, “I get really upset when you text Joey late at night,” then you should probably stop texting him altogether.
5
Make changes if necessary. If you have determined that any of your behaviors are inappropriate, then find ways to alter these behaviors. This can be hard to do if you really like him, but remember that continuing to behave inappropriately towards your friend's boyfriend may bring an end to your friendship.
- You may also owe your friend an apology for some of these behaviors. If you have done anything to make your friend angry or jealous, then make sure that you apologize to her. Try saying something like, "I know that my behavior was inappropriate and I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you or upset you."

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Deciding What To Do

1
Consider the situation. The way that you handle a crush on your best friend’s boyfriend really depends on the situation, so it is a good idea to think about what has been happening. Has he expressed feelings for you as well? Have you told anyone how you feel? Has anything happened? Think about what is going on before you decide what to do next.^{[1]
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2
Keep your feelings a secret if he does not seem interested. If your best friend’s boyfriend does not seem interested in you, then do not pursue him. Chances are that he will reject you and that he will then tell your best friend that you came on to him. This may not only anger her, but it could be the end of your friendship.^{[2]
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3
Determine if pursuing him is worth losing your friend. If he has told you that he likes you as well, then you have the option of pursuing a relationship with him. However, keep in mind that by pursuing a relationship with him, you will likely lose your best friend. Consider whether he is worth that.^{[3]
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- Keep in mind that you will probably have many crushes over the years, but you may only have one best friend. Think long and hard before you make a decision.
4
Try to wait if you really like him. Another option is to wait and see if he and your friend break up. This is not ideal, but if you really like him and care about your friend as well, then you should let their relationship run its course.^{[4]
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Research source} If the relationship ends, then you can consider dating him after your friend seems to be over him.
- If you want to date him after your friend has broken up with him, then make sure that you talk to her about it as well. She may be fine with the two of you dating, but she may get upset if you try to date him without discussing it with her first.^{[5]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Managing Your Feelings

1
Cut down on the amount of time you spend with him. Being around someone a lot can cause you to develop feelings for that person. If you have been spending lots of time around your girlfriend’s boyfriend, then it might be time to cut back.^{[6]
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- Try telling your friend something like, “I would really like to spend more time with just you, but I don’t want to interfere with your time with your boyfriend. What would be a good day for just the two of us to hang out?”
2
Break up with him secretly. Even though you are not the one who is in a relationship, “breaking up” with your best friend’s boyfriend may be necessary.^{[7]
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Research source} You can do this by writing a letter to him that you never send, or just imagine that you have broken up with him. Then, grieve the loss of the relationship the way that you would any other relationship. Allow yourself to cry, watch sappy movies, and eat a pint of ice cream.
3
Talk to someone you can trust. Sharing your feelings with someone you can trust may also help you to feel better. Try telling your mom, your sister, or another trustworthy friend what you have been feeling.^{[8]
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- Make sure that you tell someone who will keep your secret. Avoid any friend who you know have a hard time keeping this kind of information to themselves.
- You can also write about your feelings in a journal. Expressing how you have been feeling through journaling can help you to feel better and process your feelings.
4
Be kind to yourself. Having a crush can cause you to neglect your health and well-being, so make sure that you are taking good care of yourself throughout all of this. Try doing something special for yourself, such as buying yourself a new outfit, painting your nails, taking a bubble bath, or taking a yoga class.^{[9]
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