How to Come Out to Your Best Friend Without Giving Her the Wrong Idea

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: December 2, 2022

Are you a lesbian who wants to tell your best friend that you are a lesbian without her thinking that you like her in a way that is totally outside the boundaries of friendship? Read on.

Steps

1
Ask your friend to meet you someplace. Call her up, send her a text on her cell, email her, or ask her to meet you in person. Say this or something similar to this: "Jessica, can you meet me at the coffee shop on Belmont tomorrow after you get off work?"^{[1]
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2
Give her a moment to settle in. When she arrives, ask her to sit down. It is better to tell a secret to her when you both are sitting down. It will settle down the moment.

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3
Talk about simple things first. Just make a little small talk to let her know that all is well between you. Caution: don't go on like this for two hours. The entire time, she will be biting her nails, wondering what you needed to talk to her about. Collect your thoughts for a few moments, then prepare to tell her.
4
Come out and say it.^{[2]
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Research source} Try to be direct without just blurting it out so bluntly that she feels she was hit with a sledgehammer. You can say something like, "So, Jess, we've been friends for a while now, and you know you're my best friend. Would it change your feelings about me to know that I'm gay?" Or you could try asking a question: "Jessica, what if I told you a really big secret?" Of course she will want to know, so, give a big sigh to yourself and then say "Well, what if I told you I am not attracted to guys, but instead I am to girls?"
- Remember—you don't need to defend your sexuality or explain your attraction.
5
Tell her about your crush. Once she's over the idea of you being a lesbian to begin with, tell her about the girl you are attracted to. Make sure she knows it is someone else, not her, but do be careful here - you don't want to make your friend feel she isn't attractive. You just want her to feel comfortable with you as a friend in light of realizing that you are attracted to women.
- Unfortunately, one of the biggest myths about queer people is that people with same-sex attraction are automatically going to be attracted to their same-sex friends, which isn't necessarily the case at all.
6
Confide in her about it as she does with you. Be careful not to give her more information than she's comfortable with, especially at first. Don't go into graphic details about your sexual fantasies or experiences, for instance. Let her set the tone about what she wants to know.
- Remind her that you're confiding in her because you thought she'd be an affirming, comforting, and supportive person.
7
Try not to admit to any attraction you do feel for her. This can be the kiss of death for a straight/lesbian friendship. The time will probably come when you and she will be having a sleepover, and she'll ask in a dreamy voice, "So, what's your "type"? What kind of girls do you like? If I were gay, would you be into me?" Do not be tempted to answer this question honestly, no matter what the answer is. Instead, just say, "You are a beautiful girl, and you are my friend. And that's all I'm going to say - we're not going there." If you admit attraction, it may freak her out. If you say she isn't your type, she may be offended and embarrassed. You cannot win this one. Don't try.

Community Q&A

Question

I want to tell her I'm a lesbian, but I don't know how she'll react and what she'll think.

Community Answer

If she is really your friend, she'll accept you for who you are. If she doesn't want to be your friend after you've told her, get new friends because you don't need people like that in your life, you need people who accept you... real friends.
Question

How can I get over the fear of telling her?

Community Answer

Try to calm down and work out what you want to say. Practice saying it clearly if you want to. Just remember: if she really is your friend, she will support you, though she may take a little while to take it all in.
Question

What if I told my best friend that I like her and she feels the same way?

Community Answer

If you feel up to it, the two of you should consider a relationship. You may not want to take things that far, but you will at least be able to support each other emotionally.

Warnings

She might freak out, so be prepared.

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She might not want to be your friend anymore for homophobic reasons. Give her time before writing her off. She may just need to adjust.

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