How to Choose Between Multiple Guys

Co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld

Last Updated: October 23, 2022 References

Having too many options in guys is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be fun to have multiple crushes or have several guys wanting to date you. The difficult part though is eventually choosing between all of your great options and just picking one guy to date exclusively.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Observing Multiple Guys

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Think about who you have the most fun with. Having fun is one of the most important parts of choosing a guy to date.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} You want to enjoy spending time with your significant other. If you have a crush on a guy and find out that he’s not any fun, then you’re free to keep looking for someone who is.
- Hang out with different guys in different scenarios. That way you get to see if you like sitting at home watching a movie with one better than going to a concert with another, or vice versa.
- Going on dates with different guys is a good way to expand your horizons. You might find new favorite hobbies or places to eat while exploring your dating options.^{[2]
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2
Notice if one guy treats you better than another guy. You want a guy to treat you like you’re special. If one guy you like helps you with your problems and surprises you with flowers or your favorite snack when you’re sad, he clearly values you. But if another guy you’re crushing on doesn’t even ask how your day was, then you’ll want to pick the guy who shows that he cares about you.
- A good guy should always treat you with respect, even if he's feeling stressed out.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
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3
Watch how they treat other people. Guys will usually act differently around you than they do with other people, especially if they like you. Instead, keep an eye on how they talk to waiters, their parents, their friends, or strangers. If one guy is rude to others but sweet to you and the other treats everyone with the same respect, then the second guy is a better choice.
4
Wait and let time show you the best man. A good rule of thumb is that if you give people enough time, they’ll show you who they truly are by their words and actions. As long as you don’t have to make a decision right away, you can sit back and observe the guys you like to see who you want to spend more time with.
- As time goes by, you might just find out that you don’t like a certain guy anymore. Or instead, you might find yourself falling head over heels for a different boy entirely.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Comparing Traits and Characteristics

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Make a list of what traits and characteristics you like in a guy. Before you begin comparing different guys, get out a paper and pen and write down all the things you like in a guy. Maybe you like a guy with a good sense of style or the ability to make you laugh. Whatever your preferences, gather them all together so you can compare the guys you’re crushing on to your standards.^{[5]
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Research source}^{[6]
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Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
- It's always important to include things like good communication, attractiveness, trust, and respect in your list of standards.
- Look at your other friends' relationships to see what you do and don't like that they have. This will help you figure out what you think is important in a relationship as well as what are admirable traits and warning signs.
- Try focusing on traits that need to be proven over time, like respectfulness and a sense of security.^{[7]
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  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
2
Make a list of each of their pros and cons. Get another separate piece of paper for each guy you’re interested in and on one side and write their positive traits on one side and their negatives on the other. It helps to write down the good and bad parts of a person so you can clearly and accurately compare one guy side-by-side to another guy.
- Come up with an equal amount of good and bad things for each guy to fairly compare them.
- However, if you’re not able to make equal lists, then you’ll be finding out that perhaps there’s one guy with more positives than negatives and your decision just became a lot easier.
- All guys are going to have flaws. What’s important is that you’re able to accept the flaws of the guy who you pick.^{[8]
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3
Decide who you’re most compatible with. While you’re making all of your lists, make another one that goes into detail about what you and a certain guy have in common. Compatibility and chemistry are important to consider. Decide which guy has the most in common with you.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
- You're not looking for a 10 out of 10 chemistry with someone. Instead, look for a 6 out of 10 chemistry mixed with a really solid friendship.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
- Common interests can be similar taste in music, movies, clothes, books or videogames, or even things like favorite restaurants or vacation spots.
- If you have similar future plans with a certain guy, then the two of you are heading in the same direction in life and could go far together.
- To go even deeper, consider who you share similar beliefs and core principles with.
- Whoever you choose will be the guy you do things with all the time. It’s important to like some of the same activities.
4
Figure out which guy would be a better friend than boyfriend. Out of the guys who you are comparing, there may be some who’s better friend material than a boyfriend. For example, one boy might kid around with you and call you “dude” or treat you like “one of the guys.” Go for the guy who shows you kindness like a friend, but treats you like you’re special.^{[11]
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- Whoever you choose should still be a good friend to you even if you’re in a dating relationship together. You need both romance as well as dependable, loyal friendship in a partner.
- Also, out of the guys you’re considering, think about which one you could see dating one of your own girl friends. If you’re willing to let him go because he would make someone else happy, then you’re better off as friends.
5
Use both logic and emotion to make your decision. Be careful not to only think about your feelings to make a decision because your emotions change all the time. You need to also think practically about the consequences of picking one guy over another.^{[12]
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- Think of picking a guy like buying something expensive. Consider the fact that you’re going to end up spending time, money, and emotional investment on the guy you pick.
- For example, you’re most likely going to be buying gifts for each other, spending weekends and evenings together, going on dates, and working through tough times together.
- You don’t have to be cold-hearted while thinking practically. Remember, you want to pick the guy who you would actually want to spend time and money on.
- Don’t make big decisions when you’re feeling super happy or extremely sad. Let any huge emotions pass before committing to anything so that your head is on straight.
6
Have some alone time away from the guys to compare them. Sometimes you need to step away from a situation and reevaluate things. If you’re hanging out with one guy and trying to choose between him and another, your opinion will be swayed because you’re with one and not the other.^{[13]
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- Take a hiatus from any and all guys. It can be hard to make a decision when you’re only spending time around boys. Your mind will just spin its wheels thinking about all the options you have in guys.
- It’s good to just have a girls’ night without any boys. Or, have an evening to yourself to collect your thoughts by journaling out your concerns and observations about the guys you like.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Asking the Important Questions

1
Determine what you want out of a relationship. Even if you’re just crushing on multiple guys at once, you probably have a goal in mind. Whether you want to casually date, date exclusively, or work towards being married with or without kids, it helps to know what you want. Once you do, you can find out which guys fits with your desires.^{[14]
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- If a guy specifically says he never wants to have kids and you do, you can probably back off from him since that could cause fights or a breakup in the future.
- If you’re not ready to specifically date one guy, you might not have to choose. You can still date a few guys casually. Just be sure you’re clear that you’re not looking for a serious relationship at the moment.
2
Ask yourself if you feel like you’re “cheating” on a certain guy. If you’re feeling guilty for spending too much time with one guy over the other, you might like one of them more than the other. You may not be committed to any one guy alone, but if spending time with other guys feels like you’re cheating on a certain guy then that’s probably who you like the most.
- If one of the guys you’re interested in is jealous of the time you spend with other guys, take note.^{[15]
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- Jealousy can be a red flag in a guy, but it can also be healthy if he likes you enough that he wants your full attention and feelings.
- If you find yourself thinking of one guy when you spend time with others, it may be that you can’t get him off your mind because you like him best.
3
Talk with friends and family to get advice. Outside opinions from people you trust can help you make a decision. Your friends may hate a certain guy you have a crush on because they see him without the rose-colored glasses you might have for him. For example, maybe a friend of yours once dated a guy you’re seeing and she knows that he has bad manners and never offers to pay for dates.^{[16]
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- Talking to a guy’s friends will also tell you about him.
- Getting insight from other people is helpful because you’re going to be biased in your decision making because your feelings can make it hard to see a guy’s flaws past his positives.
4
Remember that there is no right or wrong decision. Don’t let the pressure of making a decision get to you. There will always be other guys to crush on or date. If you like two or more different guys, then you at least have multiple options. You won’t be picking the “right” or “wrong” guy, since all guys have positive traits as well as flaws.
- It’s always better to have more options so you don’t feel trapped and stuck with one guy.
- You always have the option to choose who you like or want to date.
- You are always able to walk away from a situation or relationship that doesn’t seem to be working out. Don’t blame yourself for having made a bad decision, simply learn from it and apply what you’ve learned to your next decision.^{[17]
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Community Q&A

Question

There are these three different guys that I'm having to choose from right now. All I'm trying to decide is who I should get out of my life and who I should continue liking. One guy I really like and there's a slight chance he might actually like me too. Another one has had an adorable secret.

Community Answer

With multiple guys, having lists can help you organize your thoughts and emotions. If you see a potential relationship happening with the one boy, that may be your most accessible option. Remember, even though it may seem like you're "missing out" on two guys, you still will end up with one great one no matter who you choose.
Question

I like three guys and they all like me back and it's difficult to decide who i like because i rarely see flaws so each only has one flaw to me.

Community Answer

Sometimes it can be good to see only the positives in people since so many others see the negatives. But, if you have a hard time seeing flaws in people, ask friends and parents for advice. They'll be able to notice things that you don't.
Question

Guy has been crushing on me for a while now. I might sort of like him too. The last one has liked me for a while but I hardly know him. What should I do?

Community Answer

You might not be able to answer this question for yourself right away. If you want to be fair, you should take some time to get to know both guys so you give them each an equal chance. You may be surprised by one of them!