How to Change Behavior

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 21, 2023 References

Changing behavior, whether your own or someone else’s, is not an easy process. Make sure you set yourself and others up for success, rather than demanding perfection. Whether you want to change or you want someone else to, you should focus on setting clear and realistic goals, thinking positively, finding support, tracking and rewarding progress, and accepting relapses.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Changing Your Own Behavior

1
Set clear goals. Make sure the behaviors you want to change are specific, measurable, and attainable. Give yourself some freedom in the goals you set.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute
Research and education center within the National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- If you’re trying to begin exercising for the first time, a reasonable goal might be to go for a 20–30 minute walk five days per week. This holds you accountable to walk more throughout the week, but is more gives you some wiggle room if something gets in your way.^{[2]
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  Trustworthy Source
  National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute
  Research and education center within the National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- If you’re trying to eat healthier, a reasonable goal to start with might be to bring your lunch to work three days per week instead of eating out with coworkers.
- Don’t set yourself up for failure by holding yourself to a standard of perfection. Thinking that you will not have bad days or setbacks may lead you to be too hard on yourself when these things happen. Expecting perfection may cause you to abandon your goals when really all you need to do is try again or readjust your expectations. Be kind to yourself during this process — change can be difficult.
- Be willing to step down your expectations if your initial plan is too demanding. For example, if 20–30 minutes of walking for five days a week is too demanding on your schedule at the moment, you can always try performing body weight exercise for 10 minutes, five days per week. Or try walking three days per week and work up to five.
2
Make a realistic plan. Set yourself up for success by making sure you have practical ways to reach your goals. Develop practical ways to deal with any obstacles that come up.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source} Also, preparation can help ensure that you are supporting the behaviors you want to change and the new behaviors you would like to cultivate, ensuring that your plan is realistic and obtainable.
- If you’re trying to eat healthier, a realistic plan may include setting aside time once per week to go to the grocery store or having fruits, vegetables, and other healthy foods available for easy snacking.
- If you’re trying to quit smoking, a realistic plan might include avoiding being with your coworkers on their smoke breaks at work, having chewing gum available for cravings, or buying a nicotine patch.
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3
Avoid making too many changes at once. Focusing on too many behavioral changes at the same time may be tempting, but it can be overwhelming. You’ll be better able to keep track of your progress and stay motivated if you stick to one or two small, specific, and achievable goals.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}
- For example, if your goal is to be healthier overall, you should break that down into smaller goals. Your goals might be to eat more vegetables, exercise more, and quit smoking. Start with the easiest one and work at it first, then as you make progress in one area you can begin to work on the next one.
4
Think positively. Remind yourself of the reasons you’re making these changes. Give yourself a pat on the back for all the hard work you’ve done. Challenge or reframe any negative thoughts that come up.
- Avoid black-or-white thinking.^{[5]
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  Research source} If you’re trying to exercise more, don’t say to yourself, “I’ll never be able to do this.” You can say to yourself, “This is going to be hard and new for me, but I can try.”
- Avoid catastrophizing, or automatically assuming the worst is going to happen.^{[6]
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  Research source} If you’re trying to quit smoking, you might jump to conclusions and say to yourself, “I just know I’m going to end up smoking again in two months. I can’t handle this.” Instead you might say to yourself, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can do this. If I fail in two months, then I’ll try again in a different way.”
- Stop blaming yourself.^{[7]
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  Research source} Blaming yourself with negative statements like "I'm so stupid for beginning smoking in the first place," or, "I should have never let myself gain all that weight" won't help you achieve your goals and will just make you feel bad about yourself. Forget the past — focus on what you're doing right now to make a positive change in your life.
- Avoid filtering out the positive things that happen. For example, if you’re trying to be more productive at work, don’t say to yourself, “This isn’t working.” Instead, try to remember the progress you have made.^{[8]
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5
Change for yourself. It will be harder to make changes to your behavior if you’re motivated out of guilt or fear or ultimatums.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source} Choose behaviors that you actually want to change, not just that other people ask you to change, and you’ll be more likely to succeed. Ask yourself these questions when deciding what to change:^{[10]
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- What am I getting out of this behavior?
- Is anyone pressuring me to change or not change this behavior?
- Is there anyone I need to avoid when changing this behavior?

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Helping Someone Else Change Their Behavior

1
Avoid reinforcing unwanted behavior. Reacting to a behavior you don’t like will only give the behavior more attention.^{[11]
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Research source} Do not get upset with the other person. Do not raise your voice, hit them, or call them names for their behavior. Instead, you might say something like, "I'm not going to talk to you when you are like this. I'm going for a walk and we can talk when you've calmed down."
2
Avoid trying to reason with them. It may be tempting to explain to someone why their behavior is wrong, inappropriate, or unhealthy; however, giving feedback and explaining often makes people resistant to change. Instead of explaining why one behavior is wrong, instead explain what other positive and more appropriate behavior you’d prefer.
- If you want your child to stop hitting their sibling, you can say, “When you get upset with your brother I want you to try talking to him or come and find me. Just keep your hands to yourself.”^{[12]
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- If you want your spouse or partner to stop eating unhealthy foods, you might say, “I want you to try to eat more fruits and vegetables. If you get hungry, there’s plenty of apples and carrots to snack on.”
- If you want your employees to stop gossiping during downtime at work, you could say, “I want you and the team to work more on organizing and planning. If you get bored or have downtime, there’s plenty of filing and research on new projects that can be done.”
3
Praise the new behavior. Whenever you see the other person doing what you want them to be doing, express your appreciation and support. Reward them with praise, compliments, and encouragement.^{[13]
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- If your spouse has been trying to exercise more, you could say, “You’re doing such a great job with walking every day! That’s great!”^{[14]
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- If your coworker is trying to be more productive at work, you might say, “You’ve done great work with staying on task with your projects lately! I’m impressed!”
- If you have children, consider rewarding your child with things besides just praise. For example, you may give them a snack they like, a few extra minutes of play, a new toy, or a sticker.^{[15]
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4
Be compassionate. People make mistakes and the transition to new behaviors may not be easy for them. Be patient and encourage the person to stay on track. If the person has been making an effort but backslides into the behavior, you might say, "I saw that you snuck a cigarette last night. You've been doing so well up until now — did something happen to make you want to smoke?"
- Encourage the person not to give up just because they got off track. Say something like, “Relapses are very common when trying to quit an addiction. Your progress so far has been so great — don’t let this one little setback get you down. It happens to everyone.”
5
Offer your support. Ask the other person what they need from you in order for their behavioral changes to be successful. Offer specific suggestions and help them think of ways to make these changes easier. Only offer support that’s realistic for you.
- If your spouse is trying to eat healthier, you may ask, “What can I do for you to help you? Would it be helpful if I cooked from home three nights every week?”
- If your employee is trying to stop procrastinating on projects, you may say, “How about I check-in with you on the status of your projects every two weeks? Would that be helpful to keep you on track?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining Behavioral Changes

1
Track your progress. Observe and record the behavior you’re changing. Monitoring yourself and holding yourself accountable will move you more closely toward your desired outcome. Keeping a record will also encourage you to keep moving forward.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute
Research and education center within the National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- If you’re trying to eat healthier or improve your nutrition, track your progress in a food diary or using a food log/calorie tracker application on your phone.
- If you’re trying to lose weight or exercise more, mark on your calendar every time you go to the gym, use a fitness tracker application on your phone to log your workouts, or use a fitness tracker band such as a FitBit, which can track your workouts, your steps, your weight, and your heart rate. Another way to record your progress is to write down your body measurements and weight.
- If you’re trying to stop smoking, keep a journal of your progress and any frustrations or obstacles along the way.
2
Surround yourself with positive people. Ask for help if you need it. Supportive friends and family members can help to hold you accountable and keep you motivated. Consider involving others to join in on your changes by:^{[17]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- Going to the gym with someone if your goal is to lose weight or exercise more.
- Joining a support group if your goal is to stop smoking or drinking.
- Asking a friend to eat with you at home if you’re trying to eat out less or eat healthier foods.
3
Reward your success. Reward yourself for all of your hard work in trying to change your behavior. A reward can be a great motivator to keep moving forward with behavior changes. Keep in mind to:
- Choose rewards that you enjoy. Go to a movie, see the exhibit at the museum you've wanted to visit, or buy yourself a new item of clothing.
- Choose rewards that are immediate. Choose something that you can do soon after you have accomplished your goal. If you can't currently afford to reward yourself with a new pair of shoes, pick another reward you can do right now, like letting yourself binge-watch your favorite show.
- Choose healthy rewards that won’t be opposite to your goals. If you're trying to lose weight, rewarding yourself with an ice cream sundae doesn't support your goal. Instead, try rewarding yourself with some new songs for your workout mix.
4
Reduce stress. Experiencing too much stress can keep you from being able to successfully change your behavior. For instance, feeling stressed or overwhelmed may cause you to talk yourself out of the positive behavior, like going to the gym or eating healthy, because you might convince yourself you don't have time or you deserve to cheat, or can cause you to crave unhealthy comfort foods. Work on developing healthy stress management techniques, like exercising. That way when a setback occurs or an obstacle gets in your way, you’ll be better able to handle it and not have it affect your goals.
- Avoid people who are negative or who enable you to engage in bad behavior.^{[18]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Schedule time for fun and relaxing activities.^{[19]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Make sure you’re getting enough sleep to re-energize and reduce anxiety.
- Enrich your spiritual side by making time for praying, meditating, volunteering, or connecting with nature.
5
Do not give up if you have a setback. Setbacks during the change process are normal for everyone. If you beat yourself up for these setbacks, you’ll be less likely to try to get back into changing your behaviors. Re-evaluate your goals if you have a setback. Make a new plan or consider if your behavioral changes were realistic.
- Plan ahead to avoid setbacks. For example, if you’re traveling, but your goal is to try to eat healthier and exercise more, you may research healthy restaurants near your hotel. You could also plan to stay at a hotel that has a gym. You may also want to pack healthy snacks if you’re planning to travel by car, rather than eating out at restaurants along the way.
- A setback could be a sign that something in your plan is not working or needs improvement. Did you convince yourself that you could handle going to a bar with everyone smoking and offering you cigarettes? Did you forget to pack healthy snacks for a long trip? These slips can teach you ways to strengthen your resolve and your success in the future.
6
Challenge yourself. Once you’ve been successful at making small changes, consider revisiting your goals. Think of how you could expand upon your success and continue modifying your behavior.
- For example, if your goal was to star exercising and you were able to walk consistently five days a week, consider adding something additional to your routine. You may want to add in strength training, flexibility exercises, or additional cardio.