How to Be a Good Person That People Look up To

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 2, 2023 References Approved

If you want to become a better person, you have to start by working on yourself. A lot of self reflection and self investment is needed before you can interact with others in a kind, compassionate manner. If you want to be admired, work on yourself and then reach out to others through genuine compassion and charity.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Working on Yourself

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Identify good personal qualities. What makes a "good" person? Different people have different ideas and perspectives about what makes someone good, but there are a few traits that most will agree are desirable traits to have. Develop your own list of qualities you want to work on to become someone others look up to.
- You may determine that "good" means having integrity, being reliable, and being honest.
- Some see goodness in humility, generosity and kindness.
- The ability to empathise with others and be nonjudgmental is another way to be good.
2
Be wary of seeking others' approval. There is nothing wrong with striving to be a good person. However, it's not a good idea to change yourself just to be popular. You can't be everything to everyone. Strive to be good for the sake of being good, not to impress others. After all, life is to express yourself, not to impress others.
- If your mission to change yourself is motivated by other people's opinion of you, it will be easy to get off track. You may find yourself catering to others' expectations instead of doing the right thing.
- That said, it's fine to want to set a good example for others, especially children. If you are a parent, the values you exhibit will leave an impression on your kids.
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3
Be genuine. Being genuine means saying what you really think and backing up your words with actions. People admire those who are genuine because they don't try to pretend they are someone else, and you can trust they mean what they say.
- To work on being more genuine, see if you're living by your values. For example, if you value protecting the environment, does your lifestyle reflect that? Doing things like recycling, carpooling, conserving water, and so on are ways to be true to your belief that it's important to protect the environment. ^{[1]
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- Accept your whole self. Everyone has areas they know they are strong in and areas they know that don't come as easily. Everyone must deal with mistakes and not seeing a payoff for their efforts on the first try. People don't have to be perfect to be good. Genuine people are comfortable with the fact that they still have their challenges and strengths. They are also comfortable with having to try multiple times until they succeed.
- Do not judge those around you. Genuine people tend to not compare others to themselves or to outside standards. Truly genuine people accept others for who they are. Try to avoid judging friends, family members, and co-workers.^{[2]
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4
Work on your self-esteem. Acknowledge the good things about yourself and celebrate your successes. Being comfortable with yourself is vital to becoming a good, admired person. People tend to look up to those with reasonable self confidence and it's easier to think of others when you're not preoccupied with your own perceived inadequacies.
- If you feel you have low self esteem, pursue activities that make you feel good about yourself. For example, if you're good at listening to others, you could volunteer at a nursing home and spend time talking with people there. You can feel positive about doing good work that fits with your skillset.
- Talk to yourself in a positive way. When you're faced with a challenge, tell yourself, "I can do this." When you do something well, congratulate yourself.
- It can be very difficult to improve self-esteem, especially if you have any preexisting mental health conditions that affect your perception of yourself. If this is the case, consider seeing a therapist or counselor to talk through these issues. You can find a therapist by asking your general practitioner for a referral or looking online through your insurance company to see what practices and independent counselors accept your insurance. If you're a student, you may be eligible for free or discount coverage through your college or university.
5
Restrain negative impulses. It's okay to have negative feelings from time to time. However, it's important to learn how to deal with these negative feelings in a constructive way, otherwise your behavior will be negatively influenced. You can do this by practicing emotional regulation, which is a way of processing your emotions to deal with them in a healthy way.
- Emotion regulation is a step-by-step process. First, acknowledge that you are feeling anger or another negative emotion. Notice how it feels and give it a name. Think about what's causing the emotion. Take a moment to evaluate how you feel about having the emotion, and how you want to deal with it. Finally, choose an appropriate action to take.
- Taking the time to process your emotion in this way will give you the chance to use the emotion in a healthy way instead of having an impulsive reaction. For example, let's say your daughter comes home after her curfew. Instead of angrily yelling at her, take the time to process your anger and decide on a course of deliberate action, such as scheduling a time to talk it over the next day.
- Sometimes past trauma and abuse create emotional patterns that can impede the process of emotional regulation. You may find yourself having emotional outbursts that affect the people around you. Try distraction to help calm down, then work on productive inner dialogue, such as, “It’s okay, I’m just having a bad day. It happens from time to time. I’ll have a better day tomorrow.” It may also help to explain to the people around you, “I had a bad day, and I feel stressed and a bit upset. I’m going to go calm down for a little while first, then we can talk when I feel better.”
- Forgiveness is important to being a good person. Forgiving others and yourself for past mistakes can untether you from feelings of resentment, distrust, and anger that could be affecting your behavior in the present.
- If you have difficulty forgiving, and a tendency to hold grudges, talk to a therapist about how to let go of past resentments. Yoga, which preaches living in the moment in a spiritual sense, can also be helpful for learning to forgive.^{[3]
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6
Work on behaviors that could potentially be harmful to others. Take stock of the person you are in the present moment and be honest. Is there anything in your life that's affecting your relationships with others? How can you go about fixing that?
- Get your mental health in check. It's hard to be good to others when you struggle to take care of yourself. If you're suffering from depression, anxiety, or any other psychiatric issues seek help from a trained psychiatric professional. Being stable mentally can help you be a better person to those around you.
- Confront any existing addictions. Addictions can be both physical (smoking, drinking, narcotics) or emotional (video games, internet). Whatever form they take, it can be very difficult to foster meaningful relationships and gain admiration and respect when you're struggling with an addiction. There are a variety of self assessment tests online to evaluate whether you show symptoms of addiction. If so, you should seek out help from a therapist. There are also support groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, that have centers in communities nationwide that can work to help you cope with addiction.
- Keep your stress levels in check. If you're a high stress person, you may affect those around you without even realizing it. If you're very worried about your own issues and problems, you may inadvertently neglect or dismiss the needs of others. Meditation, therapy, regular exercise, and talking to a therapist or counselor can all help you manage your stress levels.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Interacting with Others

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Be charismatic. In order to get people to look up to you, charisma is important. Work on honing your speaking, listening, and story-telling skill to become a more interesting, charismatic, likable person.
- To be a good listener, practice active listening. Instead of thinking about what your response will be, really listen and be present when someone is talking. Encourage them by nodding and asking questions.
- Try to stay informed about the world around you. People tend to be impressed by people who are in-the-know and well informed. Read newspapers, magazines, and online journals. Keep track of current events. You do not necessarily need to have strong political views yourself but having some sense of the current conversation is important to come off as charismatic.^{[5]
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- Use your body language to convey confidence. Maintain eye contact with others. Stand up straight. Nod and respond to what others are saying to convey interest and understanding. In conversation, ask about others. People are drawn to people who are genuinely interested in those around them.^{[6]
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- Practice good story telling. People tend to admire people capable of telling good stories, so try and be able to entertain others with amusing personal anecdotes. It can help to listen to radio programs, like "The Moth" or "This American Life," to get a sense of good storytelling.^{[7]
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2
Be honest and assertive. In other words, tell people how you really feel instead of sugarcoating it and hiding your true thoughts. This is a way to build people's trust in you. Being direct and honest with those around you will make you a better, more admired person.
- Practice being honest with others about your actions, even when you made a mistake. For example, if you miss a deadline at work do not blame lack of sleep, stress, or other factors. Simply step up and say, "I wasn't paying attention and I screwed up. I will work harder next time."^{[8]
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- Being honest even when it could hurt someone's feelings isn't always easy, but there's a way to do it without causing pain. Frame your feedback in a constructive way. For example, if someone asks for your opinion on a new shirt you don't think is attractive, you could say, "That's not my favorite shirt on you. How about I show you the shirt I love you in the most?"^{[9]
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- However, do not offer unsolicited advice. This usually comes off as preachy and people are not generally receptive. Especially when dealing with sensitive issues, like someone's weight, job, or relationship status, it's best to hold your options to yourself unless you're specifically asked.^{[10]
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3
Give to others. Being generous with friends and family members is a great way to be admired and to be a better person. Small, kind gestures go a long way.^{[11]
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- If you're invited to a party, bring something to share. A snack or a drink will show the host you appreciated the invitation. Even if you know food will already be served, it couldn't hurt to bring a dish.
- When going out with friends, offer to buy a round of drinks or be the designated driver.
- If a friend is having a hard day, making them a small gift, like a homemade card or a baked good, can help.
- Giving does not always have to be in the form of physical gifts. You can give people your time. For example, take an hour visit a friend in hospital or stop by a family member's house if they're going through a rough break up. Sometimes, just the presence of another person's positive energy is helpful.
4
Give back to your community. Finally, being a good person should stretch out beyond the confines of your immediate friend circle. Find ways to give back to your community.
- Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community. Try to find a cause you're passionate about and can contribute to. For example, if you're an avid reader, volunteer to read to children or the elderly at a hospital, nursing home, or daycare. If you love animals, see if they need volunteers at your local shelter.^{[12]
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- Donating money can also help, but you can take it up a notch by fundraising. Offer to make phone calls to past donors on behalf of an organization you care about. Participate in fundraising activities like charity dinners, auctions, marathons, and other events.^{[13]
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- You can also offer to help on a small scale. Pay attention to the neighborhood your live in. If you have elderly neighbors, offer to rake their leaves or shovel their driveway in the winter. If you have neighbors with young children, offer occasional free babysitting. If someone on your block loses a family member, stop by with homemade casseroles and pastas to help take some pressure off them during the grieving process.^{[14]
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