How to Avoid the Friend Zone Through Texting

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: November 28, 2021 References

Ahh, the friend zone—that dreaded place where you have a connection with a person, but they don't see you as more than a friend. Texting makes it even easier to slip into a familiar routine with someone, but it's also a fantastic way to avoid the friend zone. Grab your phone and check out our steps for specific texting examples. We'll show you exactly how to get out of the friend zone and take your relationship to the next level.

1

Send them flirty messages.

Flirting is one of the best ways to stay out of the friend zone. Texting them something pleasantly unexpected will surprise them and can change the way they see you. Instead of just thinking of you as a reliable friend, they'll suddenly see you as potential dating material. Here are some flirty text messages to get you started:^{[1]
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- "Why can't everyone be more like you?!"
- "Not everyone can pull off that outfit you were wearing today."
- "Why haven't you asked me to go see that new movie? 😜"

2

Use desire language instead of friendship language.

Desire language is bolder and flirtier than friendship language. You shouldn't be using the same casual tone that you use to text everyone else in your phone. Instead, you need to send signals to the person that you see them differently—as relationship material. These are a few great examples:^{[2]
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- "You've been on my mind all morning."
- "I can't get over how you looked last night."
- "We're meeting up Friday, right? It can't get here soon enough. 😏"

3

Send them a compliment.

Compliments get their attention and make them value your opinion. It also shows them that you're confident enough to tell them what you like and that you're paying attention to them. For instance, text:^{[3]
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- "You know what I like about you? You have such a generous spirit."
- "I like that you always know how to cheer someone up."
- "I love that it's so easy to talk to you. You're a great listener."

4

Show them that you're compatible.

Compatibility means you have similar values and interests. If you think you're a good match, let the other person know that you two would probably hit it off. Although they might not have considered you as relationship material in the past, they might be open to it if you convince them.^{[4]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For example, text, "I see some amazing qualities in you that are important to me," or, "I think we'd make a good couple—we're in all the same clubs and have the same taste in movies!"

5

Share your own honest opinions when you text.

Being honest will make you seem bolder and more interesting. They'll start to see you as a sympathetic friend who's always got their back rather than someone who speaks their own mind. It's totally fine that you two don't always share the same opinion! What's important is that they see you standing up for your ideas.^{[5]
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- Turn your differences of opinion into something you can joke about. For instance, if she texts, "My favorite band is playing this week. Have you ever heard of them?" you could text, "I still like you even though you're into that band. Maybe I should give you some musical education. Want to see a show with me next week?"

6

Let them text you first sometimes.

They'll feel like they have to chase you to get your attention. Plus, they won't assume that you’re always available and just a steady friend to rely on.^{[6]
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- Keep your texts balanced. So, if they text you once, wait a bit and text back with a single response. Resist the urge to send multiple messages. Remember, they're supposed to chase you!

7

Wait before you reply to their texts.

Build anticipation so you don’t seem too eager or look desperate. In fact, you may even want to ignore some of their texts, especially if you can tell they're bored and looking to fill their time.^{[7]
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- For instance, it's better to ignore a text like, "Hey, this class just won't end. What are you doing?" Instead of replying, let them think you're too busy. They may even start to wonder what you're up to.
- You could wait until the end of the day to reply to a message. You might text something like, "Sorry to respond late. I got tied up with some stuff." Don't elaborate or go into details. You want them to realize that you have a life outside of them!

8

Keep your texts about the two of you.

Keeping the focus on the two of you will create intimacy. You don't want to become that friend that they run to when they're crushing on someone else. This would put you firmly in the friend zone! If they start to text about someone else, quickly change the subject.^{[8]
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- If you don't feel like you can easily change the subject, just ignore the text. They'll get the idea that they can't talk with you about other relationships and that's good!
- For instance, if they text something like, "Derek was telling me about a new restaurant," you could ignore it or say, "I went to a food cart the other day that I know you'll love."

9

Be confident and assertive when you text.

They'll see you as relationship material instead of another friend. You might be afraid to bring up your feelings for them, so they assume that you're just casual friends. Before you know it, you're in the friend zone! To prevent this from happening, work on being bold—tell yourself that you are dating material and you know what you want. Confidence is attractive, and here are a few ways to make that come across through your texts:^{[9]
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- "I've always thought that you and I would make a great couple."
- "We share so much in common. I've wondered what it might be like to date. 😉"
- "I feel a spark with you and I'd be curious to see where our relationship could go."

10

Ask them out by text.

You might get in the friend zone if you're passive or afraid to make a move. The person might just see you as a friend because you're not clear about what kind of a relationship you want with them. To avoid or get out of the friend zone, be super direct and ask them out. This way, they know exactly what you want! For instance, text:^{[10]
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- "I've been meaning to ask for a while—would you like to go out for coffee or drinks?"
- "I'd love to take you on a date. Are you free sometime?"
- "I like texting you, but I love talking in person more. Lunch or dinner this week?"

11

Take a break from texting them if things aren't working out.

This gives you time for reflection. Sometimes, taking a step back and having a break from all texting or communication can put a useful distance between you. They might find that they miss texting you or they may wonder what you're up to when you're not talking.^{[11]
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- A lengthy break might even reset how they feel about you. When you choose to resume texting them, be bolder and sure of yourself. They might decide that they've changed how they feel about you.