How to Understand Sex if You're Disabled

Written by Luna Rose

Last Updated: April 25, 2022 References

Sex education is crucial for teens and adults, yet disabled people aren't always taught what they need to know.^{[1]
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Research source} If you haven't had access to sex education, you may be left with unanswered questions. Here is how to learn the basics.

Note: This article is aimed at people who have never been told the basics, and who may have intellectual/developmental disabilities. If you already have a good knowledge of sex, this article may not teach you anything new.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Understanding the Physical Parts

1
Understand what is considered sexual. Sexual things involve private parts (the parts of you that would be covered by a swimsuit). They are done for pleasure or baby-making. All sexual things should only be done with permission. These are examples of sexual things: ^{[2]
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Research source}
- Looking at, rubbing, or playing with private parts
- Putting each other's private parts together
- Taking, looking at, or sharing photos of private parts
- Talking about private parts for fun
2
Know what isn't considered to be sexual. Some things that involve private parts are not sexual, like wiping bottoms or putting lotion on a rash. Things that are done for health reasons (not for fun) are not sexual.
- Even if it's not sexual, there needs to be permission. For example, if your bottom needs wiping, you're allowed to say "I want to do it myself" or "I only want a certain person to do it."
3
Recognize that only one type of sex can cause babies to be made. When two people decide to put a penis and a vagina together, then semen (a whitish liquid) may come out of the penis, go through the vagina, and reach the uterus, where there is an egg.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
Go to source} The semen has sperm inside. When the sperm and the egg meet, they can make a baby, and the person with the vagina becomes pregnant.
- If no semen goes inside the vagina, then pregnancy can't happen.
- If people want to have this kind of sex, but they are not ready for a baby, they can use protection. Birth control pills and condoms are examples.
4
Know that sex can cause sicknesses. There are sexually transmitted infections (STIs) that make people sick after sex.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
Go to source}^{[5]
X
Research source} Other kinds of infections, like yeast infections or urinary tract infections, can also happen. Doctors can give people medicine if they get sick from sex.
- People can only get STIs from sex. If you have never had sex, you can't have an STI. (You can have other sicknesses, though.)
- If you are going to have sex with a new person, then both of you should get tested by a doctor first to make sure that you are both healthy enough.
- Protection can't stop all of the STIs. You still need to get tested.
- If you think you got sick from sex, go to a doctor right away. The sooner you figure out what's wrong, the easier it is to fix it.
5
Understand that sex should not hurt. If it hurts, you are doing it wrong, and you need to stop, take it slower, or do something different.^{[6]
X
Research source} It should not be painful or scary. It should be comfortable. If it's not, tell your partner.
- Some people have health problems that cause sex to hurt, like vaginismus. Talk to your doctor if you think something could be wrong.
6
Understand masturbation. "Masturbation" means touching your own private parts for pleasure. Some people like to do it, and others don't. It's a very private thing.^{[7]
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Research source} If you decide to do it, there are some general rules to follow:
- Close the door. Lock it if you can.
- If there's a mess, clean it up. Use soap and water if needed.
- Do it in the bedroom at home. Don't do it in a public place.
- Do it in private.
- Don't let any children or teenagers see you masturbate. It might creep them out. They are too young for that.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Understanding the Social Parts

1
Keep in mind that sex is a private thing. People might get very embarrassed if you talk about it in public. It's usually best to pick a quiet time to talk about sex.
- Most families do not like talking about sex at the dinner table.
- Some friends like to talk about sex with each other. This is okay if everyone is comfortable with it. If somebody gets too embarrassed, change the subject.
- Some people are very shy about sex and don't like talking about it. They don't have to. It's better to talk about sex with someone else.
2
Know that not everyone is ready or interested in having sex. Sex is a big deal, and not everybody wants it. Some think they will be ready when they are older, and some people are not interested in it at all.^{[8]
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Research source} Everyone is different and gets to make their own choices.
3
Stay away from peer pressure. It's not fair for people to pressure other people about sex. Nobody should have to do it before they are ready, and it's also not fair to judge people if they are ready for sex.^{[9]
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Research source} Everybody gets to do their own thing.
- If someone pressures you, you can say "I get to make my own choices. Please stop trying to tell me what to do." Walk away if you want. You don't have to listen to them.
- Never pressure anybody else. They get to decide what's best for them.
- If someone tries to pressure you to have sex with them, that person is really creepy. Get away from them and tell an adult you trust.
4
Know that sex doesn't make you a better person, or a bad person. Sex doesn't make you cool. Sex doesn't make you evil.^{[10]
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Research source} Some people will say it does, but it's not true.
- Sometimes people will try to tell you what to do, because they feel very insecure. You don't have to listen to them.
- The only evil thing would be trying to make someone have sex with you when they don't want to or are not old enough.
5
Know that sex is usually for marriage or dating. Most people only have sex with a person that they are in a loving relationship with. Having sex with another person, while dating someone else, is usually considered cheating. For example, if Alice and Bob are dating, and Alice has sex with somebody else, then she is cheating, and Bob's feelings will get hurt.
- Some people want to wait until marriage to have sex. Others don't.
- Having sex with strangers is usually a bad idea. The stranger might have an STI that could get you sick. (The stranger might not even know that they have an STI.)
- Some people have "open relationships," where the rules are different. This is only if they choose to do that.
6
Remember that nobody ever has to have sex. People can always say no whenever they feel like it. They never have to do it if they don't want to. They can say they never want to do it, or say they want to when they are older, or say that they want to but then change their minds, and so on.
- Sometimes, people who like sex don't want it on some days. That's okay. Maybe they feel like cuddling, or watching a movie, or going on a date, or doing something else instead. Ask what they are in the mood for.
- If you say "I don't want sex" and someone gets mad at you, that person is creepy and you should get away from them.
- Always respect other people's choices. If you want to have sex with someone, but they don't feel like it, don't pester them. This will make them upset, and it's creepy.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Understanding the Law

1
Know that sex is for adults, not children. Sex is a very big deal, and children are not ready for that. It is illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor, and it can hurt the minor. In many countries, it is illegal to have sex with anyone younger than the age of consent, which is between 16 and 18 in most developed countries.^{[11]
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Research source}
- Some people think it is okay for older teenagers to have sex with each other. Other people think it is not okay.
2
Remember that some people with disabilities should not have sex. Not every disabled person can handle sex, because it's a big responsibility. It depends on the person and their disability. If you're wondering whether someone can have sex, ask:^{[12]
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Research source}
- Do they understand sex?
- Can they say "yes" and "no" easily?
- Do they actually want sex? (Maybe they can have it but they don't want to.)
3
Recognize that sex is only okay if both people want it. It is illegal to have sex with someone who doesn't want it, because this can hurt them and give them anxiety. It is never okay to force somebody to have sex, or pester them about it, or try to keep doing it if they change their mind and want to stop.
- If you want to know if somebody wants to have sex, just ask. Ask questions like "Would you like to do this?" or "Do you like it when I touch you there?" or "Do you want to keep doing this?"
- If someone tries to force you to have sex or won't stop pestering you, say "you're creepy!" and get away from them.
4
Know to ask for help if someone hurts you. Some people try to force people to have sex with them. Others try to trick people, and maybe use alcohol or drugs to convince them to give in. This is called "sexual assault" or "rape" and it is a terrible thing. If it happens to you, talk to a good listener and ask for help.^{[13]
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Research source}
- Some bad people try to rape people with disabilities, because they think that disabled people are easy targets. This isn't your fault.
- Rape isn't your fault if it happens to you. The bad person chose to do this to you, even though it is wrong. It is their fault, not yours.
- You can tell the police if you want to. The person who hurt you might go to jail. Or, if you don't want that, you can tell the people who look after you, so they can help keep you safe from that person.
- Not all people are good listeners. If someone doesn't believe you, or says it is your fault, they are a bad listener. A good listener believes you when you tell the truth.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Learning More

1
Talk to someone who is comfortable answering questions about sex. Some people get very shy or embarrassed and don't like to talk about sex. If someone doesn't like talking about sex, then ask another adult you trust.
2
Be careful about what you see on the internet. Some websites will say weird or creepy things about sex, and it might upset you or teach you things that are wrong.^{[14]
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Research source} It's important to be careful.
- Some websites are called "porn" websites, because they show pictures or videos of people having sex. Porn websites can be weird, and they aren't a good way to learn about sex.
3
Look for books or trusted websites to teach you more. Your library may have books that teach basic facts about sex. You can also look for "sex education" or "sex ed" websites, that teach people about sex, health, and safety.
- Scarleteen is a well-known sex ed website.