How to Treat a Co Worker After a One Night Stand

The best ways to deal with the aftermath of a coworker hookup

Co-authored by Jessica Swenson

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References

Talking to Your Coworker

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Interacting at Work

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Starting a Relationship

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

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Warnings

When you consider how much time you spend with your co-workers, and the high pressure situations you may find yourselves in, it’s not surprising that occasionally sparks fly. An office party, or a few drinks after work can easily turn into a fling between you and someone you’ll see in the office the next day. The most important thing for the both of you is to be clear and honest with one another in order to maintain a professional relationship at work. Of course, if you both decide the one night stand can turn into something more, be prepared to build a real relationship, one that isn’t fueled by mixed drinks and a mutual dislike of your boss.

Things You Should Know

Speak to your coworker privately about what happened. Be honest about your feelings and how you want to move forward.
Act normal and stick to your everyday routine at work. Keep interactions with your coworker strictly professional.
Avoid telling your other coworkers about the hookup since gossip may start to spread.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Coworker

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Talk about what occurred. Make sure you both understand what occurred, and what each other's future intentions are. Be clear and direct with each other, as you don’t want the other person to start making dinner plans for two when you were just looking for a fling. Talking about the situation openly and in depth outside of the workplace will ease uncomfortably ambiguous moments in the office.
- If you don’t think it’s a good idea to date, say so. If this is someone you work closely with, that might be a good reason to curtail the relationship and you can comfortably do so by saying something like, “I don’t want this to get in the way of our professional relationship." If you don’t work closely together, you can be more direct and say that you aren’t really interested in taking things further.
- If one of you left early, and you didn’t get a chance to talk, try to have a brief private meeting at the office.
- You should always be respectful when talking to your partner. About half of all women, and 20 percent of all men, will experience negative feelings about themselves after a one night stand, usually shame for what they did or feeling that they’ve been used for sex.^{[1]
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  Research source} Avoid statements that can be misconstrued, like "I can't believe we did that," or "I've made a huge mistake."
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Make sure you get all your stuff. Or, if it was at your place, that your co-worker gets all of her or her stuff. You don’t want someone to have forgotten something, and need to go back later to pick it up. It’s going to be awkward enough at work the next day, you don’t want to compound the embarrassment by having to see each other after work again.^{[2]
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- This also means not “accidentally” leaving something that you need to pick up later. If you think you want your one night stand to turn into something more, that is not the way to go about it.
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Go to work separately. You want to minimize gossip, or at least avoid drawing attention to what happened. Avoid carpooling or taking the same train into the office so that you can arrive at different times.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Interacting at Work

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Don’t tell anyone. What happened between the two of you should stay between the two of you. Avoid broadcasting information about you and your partner, even to people you think you trust. Gossip spreads quickly, and telling one person probably means the rest of the office will know shortly.^{[3]
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- The best way to stop gossip is to not talk about things in the first place.
- That means on social media, too. Businesses keep an eye on the kinds of things you post on social accounts, and it will be hard to keep people from prying if you are suddenly “In a relationship,” or “It’s complicated.” Hold off on announcing anything on those places until your relationship becomes serious.
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Confess if you get caught. If your boss learns about your hook-up, or confronts you about what happened, be honest. He doesn’t need to know all the steamy details, but you shouldn’t lie about it. This can cause problems for you and your co-worker, as well as cause your boss to lose trust in you. ^{[4]
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- Your relationship may or may not be a problem, depending on your office’s rules.
- If your other co-workers think they’ve figured it out, you don’t want to lie to them. It will only make it worse if last night’s partner isn’t telling the same story. Remember that you don’t have to tell them anything, and feel free to remind them that it’s none of their business.
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Avoid gossiping about what happened. Beyond not telling others, you don’t want to start sharing intimate or embarrassing details about your partner. While it may feel fun or liberating to talk about her interesting birthmark, or his odd bedroom requests, consider how you would want to be treated. Gossiping about your co-worker is unprofessional, and will make it difficult for the two of you to maintain a good working relationship. And, you can be sure, your co-worker will learn it was you who told everyone.^{[5]
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Be professional at work. While it is going to be awkward at times, you need to try and act as if nothing happened. Keep your regular routine and meetings, and don’t be afraid to steer any personal conversations back to work. ^{[6]
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- This also means not avoiding the person at well. Awkwardly trying to prevent talking to the other person will probably draw attention to you, and make it harder to do your job. Doing what you’re paid to do should be the priority for both of you at the office.^{[7]
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Don’t do it again. Even if this time was a mistake, you want to be careful about getting a reputation as someone who sleeps around the office. That sort of behavior will make it difficult for others to work with you, and can negatively affect your career. Also, you will have a hard time being taken seriously by someone else in the office you might actually have an interest in.^{[8]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Starting a Relationship

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Build a relationship beyond work. It can be easy to start a bond because of your shared experiences, including work projects, bad bosses, or any of the other things that take up your working hours. If you decide you both decide you want this to be something more, though, that won’t be enough. Look for things other than work that you can enjoy doing together.^{[9]
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Disclose it to your boss. If you thought the morning after conversation was uncomfortable, this can be even more so. Still, it is important that your personal relationship be disclosed to avoid trouble with company policy. The most senior person, or the one who has been there the longest, should be the one to initiate the conversation with management.^{[10]
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Have an exit strategy. Let’s face it, most relationships don’t work. Unfortunately, with office relationships, you have to continue seeing and working with the person even after it’s ended. While you may be able to stay friendly with one another, it may end up being too much. Make sure you have some idea of what you might do if the relationship goes south. That could mean moving within the company, or taking a new job altogether. ^{[11]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you reject someone smartly?

Jessica Swenson
Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist
Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist and the Founder of Transformative Growth Counseling. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial. She earned her PhD in Community Psychology from National Louis University and her MS in Clinical Psychology from Roosevelt University. She’s also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional.

Jessica Swenson

Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist

Expert Answer

From an emotional management standpoint within the workplace, you should have to have a conversation and clarify where you're at and where they're at. For example, say something like, "That was supposed to be just a one night stand for fun". You might want to make it clear that you're not in a relationship or that it was a mistake. Do not ignore the situation, or you might set yourself up for drama.

Warnings

Remember that office parties and conferences are generally considered part of the work environment, even if you are off-site or after-hours, so adjust your behavior accordingly.

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Be particularly careful if your professional relationship is superior-subordinate. Personal relationships between two unequal parties in a workplace can lead to concerns, if not actual incidents, of power abuse.

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Learn a little about your company’s sexual harassment policy. While you two probably didn’t break any rules for a one-night fling, that doesn’t mean your behavior in the office after the fact can’t be problematic, depending on how your company defines a personal relationship.^{[12]
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