How to Toughen Up

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: November 19, 2021 References

The toughest people are those who persevere in the face of obstacles, know when it’s time to listen to their sensitive side, and stand tall when people cut them down. If you want to toughen up, you'll need to put in the hard work and effort it takes to hone your best qualities and become a strong, powerful leader. It won’t be easy, but the toughness and resilience you develop in the process will leave you feeling confident and emotionally ready to take on anything.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Practicing Mental Fortitude

1
Identify your natural strengths and weaknesses. Take a step back and look at yourself as honestly as you can, asking yourself what you excel at and what gets under your skin and why. This can be hard to do, but recognizing your tendencies is the first step to getting control of them and becoming a tougher person.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For example, if you know that you get defensive when someone critiques your work, it could be that you’re worried about failure, or that you have low self-confidence. You can work on these deeper issues so that criticism won’t trigger your defensiveness.
- To recognize your own tendencies, try writing down instances when you’ve felt panicked, afraid, or worried and how you reacted. You could also ask a close friend or colleague to point out these situations to you.
- Even the process of figuring out your own strengths and weaknesses can make you a tougher person. It takes courage and strength to look at yourself honestly, and once you see what you need to work on, you’ll feel motivated to take on the challenge.
- If you have trouble identifying your strengths, use an online survey through VIA for various reports.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
2
Practice calm responses to pressure and stress. Being able to stay strong when things get rough is a crucial quality for a tough person to have. Figure out what you need to do to stay relaxed and in control in a stressful situation. Then, practice as much as you can in situations when the pressure is off until it becomes second nature.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Try strategies like deep breathing, counting to 10, taking a quick walk, or drinking tea or water. You could also try sending a text to a sibling or friend or scrolling through social media for a minute or two.
Advertisement
3
Work on building up your confidence slowly. Some self-doubt is natural, but letting it control you will prevent you from making tough decisions and weathering bad situations. When you realize you’re having a negative thought, challenge yourself to turn it into a positive one, a process known as reframing. If you’re feeling unsure about a making a decision, use all the information available, make the best choice you can, and stick to it confidently, without regret.
- For example, if you’re having a negative thought like “I’ll definitely fail,” change it into something like, “Failure is possible, but it’s only assured if I don’t try.”
- Identify your talents and throw yourself into them. You’ll feel unique and accomplished, which will go a long way in helping you build your confidence.
- Change your mindset and see scary situations as moments of opportunity, where you have a huge chance to grow. Embrace them, push yourself over the edge, and see what’s you’re truly capable of.
- Be mindful of other cognitive distortions you may have since they could affect your way of thinking and perceiving others.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
4
Practice being alone and confronting your thoughts. Set aside at least a few minutes of alone time every day to check in with yourself. What’s your focus? Is that what you want to spend your mental energy on? First, accept your thoughts as they are, then push yourself to slowly shift them towards strength, self-confidence, and motivation.
- Try meditation to help you focus and quiet your mind. Working to relax, increase your awareness, and center yourself can help you stay balanced and calm in stressful situations.
5
Respect and accept your emotions. It’s normal to feel stressed and overwhelmed from time to time. Acknowledge your worry, panic, or stress and don’t beat yourself up about it—that will only make you more upset. Instead, fall back on your comforting and calming techniques to move past the emotions.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Getting upset or angry doesn’t mean you’re not a tough person—tough people get overwhelmed too. True mental toughness is knowing how to accept, respect, and move past your emotions so they don’t control you.
6
Talk to a friend or counselor if you need more help. If you’re still feeling unable to take on the challenges and difficulties in your life, it’s OK to ask for help. Try opening up to a trusted friend or family member, or talking to a counselor or therapist if that’s more comfortable.
- Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, it shows that you’re strong enough to know when you need to lean on someone else and brave enough to seek the help you need.
- If you’re talking to a friend or family member, say something like, “I haven’t been feeling strong or confident lately and I think it’ll help me feel better if I talk to someone about it. Would you mind just listening to me for a while?”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Strengthening Your Body

1
Combine cardio and strength training to get in top physical shape. Being physically tough takes ongoing, dedicated work, but the confidence and strength you’ll feel in your body will be more than worth it. Work on building strong muscles and increasing your endurance by setting goals for yourself and making training a part of your daily routine.
- Do cardio exercises by running, biking, or swimming a few times a week. Challenge yourself by pushing your distances and signing up for races like marathons and triathlons.
- Get into a weight-lifting routine, focusing on working all of the muscle groups in your body. As you improve, push yourself to higher weights and more reps.
- You could also sign up for a team sport, like soccer, volleyball, or basketball, to get in cardio in a competitive game setting.
2
Train with less rest between sessions. Challenging your body to complete more reps or more training sessions with less time between will help you learn to adapt and recover faster. Remember to keep taking care of your body in between sessions, stretching out and eating well, to avoid injury.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For example, if you’re doing sets of 3 sprints with 1 minute of rest between each set, bring that recovery interval down to 55 seconds, then 50. Adjust the intervals slowly to avoid burning yourself out.
3
Eat healthy to help your body feel its best. Eating right will help you feel great and crush your workouts. Go for whole, fresh foods like fruits and vegetables, lean meats and fish, nuts and legumes, and whole grains.
- Avoid processed food and junk food, like soda and fast food, and work on limiting your sugar intake as well.
4
Increase your flexibility to help your joints weather stress. Getting more flexible will help you avoid injury and get the most out of your workouts. Stretch out your muscles after you work out to lengthen them while they’re still warm and prevent soreness later.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}
- Don’t stretch out before you start working out. Instead, try a 5-10 minute warm-up, like a walk, jumping rope, or jumping jacks, then stretch out a bit once you’re warm.
- Try yoga for stretching routines that will challenge your body while calming your mind.
5
Put your body in uncomfortable situations to strengthen your willpower. Mental and physical toughness are closely related. By forcing your body into uncomfortable situations, you can enter a “mind over matter” mentality, where you’re mentally tough enough to withstand difficult physical conditions. This will be challenging, so take small steps towards overcoming one physical discomfort at a time.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Make up small, inconvenient routines and push yourself to maintain them, like touching every overhead tree branch on a walk. This gets you in the habit of exercising mental willpower over your body.
- You can also try things like taking cold showers, walking or running barefoot, or sticking with an inconvenient diet, such as completely cutting out sweets or fast food.
- Acclimatize yourself slowly. If you’re trying to take cold showers, for example, start by lowering the temperature by a few degrees each day.
6
Try different forms of fitness, like martial arts and wilderness training. Your body can get used to doing the same kinds of workouts all the time, which can cause you to hit a plateau in both mental and physical fitness. Push the limits of what you can achieve with more challenging, alternative forms of fitness that you’ve never tried before.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Try things activities kickboxing, martial arts, or wilderness training.
- Challenging yourself with unfamiliar training regimens can improve your mental and physical resilience and stamina.
7
Expose yourself to more extreme environments and situations. Being tough isn’t just about being strong and having good stamina; it also means knowing how to stay calm and respond in physically demanding situations. Learn about survival techniques to help you make it through danger and practice them in lower pressure situations so you know what to do if disaster strikes.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You can practice your survival skills by going camping or attending wilderness survival training classes.
8
Push yourself past barriers with motivation and dedication. When you’re coming up against a seemingly-impossible challenge or just feeling tired or unmotivated, remember that the process of getting in shape is as important as the results are. By pushing yourself to get healthy and strong, you’re developing the mental and physical strength and resilience to make you into a tougher person.
- It’s still important recognize your physical limitations. Don’t jump headfirst into an exercise you’ve never tried or an extreme diet; instead, set an end goal and take steps to get there in a way that’s safe for your body.
- Recognize the difference between pain and injury and don’t hurt yourself. If you’re new to intense physical training, consider working with a personal trainer.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Practicing Toughness Everyday

1
Make goals and follow through with them. Start by setting small, achievable goals, deciding on 1-2 things you want to accomplish each day or week. Pair this with a few long-term goals that give you something to strive for. Then, put your nose to the grindstone and work as hard as you can to achieve them.
- Working to achieve your goals can be difficult, but the more you practice and feel the accomplishment that comes with it, the easier it’ll be.
- Try short-term goals like completing projects at work or school a few days before they’re due, making a new dish for dinner every week, or going for a short walk every day to get fit.
2
Learn from your mistakes instead of obsessing over them. Tough people are able to use their mistakes as opportunities for growth, and become a more resilient, successful person because of it. Instead of punishing yourself for a mistake, take a step back and look at what happened, what you did wrong, and what you can do to avoid doing the same thing next time.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Don’t waste energy feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses. Own up to your mistakes and have the confidence that you’ll be able to make things right.
3
Don't complain. If you want people to think you're tough, do your best to stay positive and face difficult situations without complaining. Complaining is a waste of time and makes you sound whiny and ineffective. Act like the strong, purposeful, confident person you are. You'll inspire others to want to be more like you.
- If you need to let off steam (we all do sometimes), do it privately. Write your thoughts down or channel your pent-up energy in a positive way, like through working out.
- Sharing negative feelings isn't the same as complaining. Instead of whining, try saying something like, “I don’t think this is the best way to do this project. Why don’t we try it this way?” Offer different solutions and be receptive to others’ thoughts, too.
- Resist the urge to worry. Sharing your worries often will convey a lack of confidence in yourself to others.
4
Confront challenges and problems head-on. Think about what you're running away from or avoiding, and make the effort to face it head-on instead. Leave behind any escapist habits you might have and turn towards your reality, embracing your life as it is while making a commitment to make it everything you want.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Try separating yourself from your major distractions so you can clear your head. Try turning off the TV, your phone, or computer for a night or even a few days to correct your focus.
5
Volunteer to do things that scare you. You'll never toughen up if you only stick to things you feel comfortable doing. Practice going out of your way to try new activities and be open to experiences you might naturally tend to avoid.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- What terrifies you? Decide you're going to overcome your fear. If you hate public speaking, make a speech at your friend's wedding. If you're afraid of water, take swimming lessons.
6
Be strong for others when they need you. It's a lot harder to take other people into consideration than it is to act solely for your own good, and tough people will always take care of others when they need. Be strong for your family and friends when they need someone to turn to. If you see a stranger in need of help, offer it. When you're in a group situation, be the one to volunteer to help.
- Make sure your family is well cared for. Be reliable and responsible so they know they can count you on.
- Step up and be the leader when a leader is called for. If you're in a building and the fire alarm goes off, for example, be the one to help calm people down and get them to safety.
7
Accept and welcome change as it comes. Change is a part of life, and a tough, resilient person accepts that there is only so much they can do to control what’s around them. Focus on doing what you can to succeed and achieve your goals while making peace with the fact that some things will always be out of your control.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Have the confidence that you can adapt to any situation that comes your way and learn from the challenges that you confront.
- Accept difficult situations and unwanted change without blowing it out of proportion. Remember that you’ve gotten through hard times before and you will again.