How to Be Mentally and Emotionally Strong

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 2, 2022 References Approved

When we’re not able to handle the curveballs life throws at us, things can feel pretty chaotic and out of our control. Sometimes, we feel as if we can't deal with these setbacks. The good news is: you totally can! Anyone can become mentally and emotionally stronger. You just need to work on building your confidence and resiliency and learn how to walk over the bad things that will come to you. It's a journey that doesn't happen overnight, but soon you'll notice a difference in how you handle setbacks.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Identifying Challenges and Setting Goals

1
Understand what it means to be emotionally resilient. Being emotionally and mentally strong, or resilient, means adapting well to things like stress, trauma, adversity, or tragedy.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Resilience is not something you are born with — it is a process that can be learned by anyone, and is found in ordinary people.^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Being emotionally strong doesn't mean you don't experience pain or suffering — resiliency is often learned when one is faced with an extremely painful situation. What it does mean is that you learn to rebuild or "bounce back" from these experiences.^{[3]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- To develop resiliency, you will want to focus on building particular skills, such as: making plans and carrying them out, developing confidence and a positive view of yourself, learning to manage strong feelings and impulses, and learning to communicate and solve problems efficiently.^{[4]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
2
Learn about emotional regulation. Learning to manage your emotions is another important part of becoming emotionally and mentally strong. You may not be able to control what life throws at you, but you always have a choice about how you react.^{[5]
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Research source} Again, this is something that is not innate; anyone can learn to manage his or her emotions productively.^{[6]
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3
Identify specific areas that you would like to change. Before you can build up your mental and emotional strength, you will need to take an inventory of your strengths and challenges to determine what you would like to change. Make a list of as many of your strengths and challenges as you can think of. Once you have finished your list, figure out how to turn each of your challenges into a goal that you can work towards.
- For example, you might have included on your list of challenges that you have difficulty asserting your needs. If you want to work on this issue, you would say that your goal is to become more assertive.^{[7]
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4
Acknowledge your strengths. In addition to identifying areas for change, you should take time to celebrate your strengths. Read through the list of your strengths and congratulate yourself for these positive traits. Giving yourself a little pat on the back now and then will help you to stay focused on your positive qualities and help build up your mental and emotional strength.^{[8]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
5
Consider your past experiences. The reason why you might be feeling like you lack mental or emotional strength may be linked to something that happened to you in the past. Whether this thing happened just a few months ago or when you were very young, it may be affecting your mental and emotional strength. Research has shown that children who are abused, neglected, or otherwise endangered are more likely have emotional and mental issues, which may cause them to abuse drugs or attempt suicide.
- Try to determine if negative childhood experiences may be contributing to your mental and emotional states. Consider how and why those experiences may have affected you the way that they have.
- You may need to talk to a therapist about your childhood experiences in order to fully understand them, deal with them, and move on.
6
Determine if you have an addiction that requires treatment. An addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc, may be damaging to your mental health. If you think that you are addicted to something, seek help to get rid of your bad habits. you may require treatment if your addiction is severe. Talk to a therapist or a doctor if you think that an addiction may be damaging your mental and emotional strength.
7
Track your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Journaling can help you to understand what may have caused you to experience these challenges, and it is also a great way to relieve stress.^{[9]
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Research source} To get started with journaling, choose a comfortable place and plan to devote about 20 minutes per day to writing. You can start by writing about how you are feeling or what you are thinking, or you can use a prompt. Some prompts and starting points you might use include:
- “I feel powerless when…”
- “My biggest challenge is...”
- “Something I could work on is...”
- “If I could talk to myself when I was a child, I would say…”
- “When I am feeling low, the nicest thing I could do or say to myself is…”
8
Consider talking to a therapist. Without help, it may be hard to figure out why you feel you are struggling and determine the best way to deal with your feelings. A licensed mental health professional can help you to understand your feelings and help you work through them.
- Keep in mind that feeling mentally and emotionally fragile may be part of an underlying mental health condition that requires treatment. Talking to a therapist can help you understand what is going on and decide on the best course of action.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Staying Even-Keeled

1
Stay away from vices that disturb your mental peace. If you're toying with your mental health by drinking, doing drugs, stealing, lying, and so on, you're detracting from your ability to be emotionally and mentally strong. Start phasing these vices out of your life, or at least limit them so they don't control your behaviour and emotions. If you have an addiction, get help.
2
Take good care of yourself. Exercise, healthy food, rest, and relaxation will help you to develop and maintain your mental and emotional strength. By taking good care of yourself, you are sending your mind signals that you deserve to be taken care of. Make sure that you are devoting enough time to meeting your basic needs for exercise, food, sleep, and relaxation.^{[10]
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- Exercise regularly. Aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day.
- Eat a balanced diet of healthy whole foods like fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins.
- Get eight hours of sleep per night.
- Set aside at least 15 minutes per day to practice yoga, do deep breathing exercises, or meditate.
- Drink plenty of water, at least eight glasses a day, more if you are exercising and sweating.
3
Enrich your mind. Challenge yourself to keep learning all the time. You'll get mentally stronger and wiser the more knowledge you accrue. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut, either mental or physical. Be curious, aware, and informed about the world.
- Read books, watch good films, go to concerts, go to plays, watch ballets, and take in art in some form.
- Make your own art. Write, paint, make music, do sculpture, knit — anything that stimulates your creative side.
- Learn new skills. Branch out in the kitchen, do some DIY projects around the home, plant a garden, learn how to drive a manual car, learn how to fish, train to run a 5K.
- Talk to people. Have deep conversations that go beyond small talk. Learn people's histories and share your own.
4
Work on your spiritual side. Many people gain strength from paying attention to their spirituality. Having a connection to something greater than yourself - whatever that may be - can imbue the spirit with strength and a sense of purpose. Research has shown that spirituality and prayer help to relieve stress and decrease healing times during an illness. Spirituality can take many different forms, and it's important to find the one that works for you. There's no right way to be spiritual.
- Consider going to a place of worship to pray with other people.
- Get into meditation or yoga.
- Spend time in nature and admire the beauty of the natural world.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Building Mental and Emotional Strength

1
Set reasonable goals and follow through with them.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} You can practice building mental strength by setting meaningful goals and working to accomplish them, step by step. Getting from one step to the next requires applying yourself, working through boredom or pain, and sticking it out until you've made it. That's no easy feat, and the more you practice, the better you'll get at achieving your goals.
- If you have big goals that seem unattainable, break them down into smaller doable steps.^{[12]
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  Research source} For example, if you want to work on becoming more assertive, you could set a goal to speak up for yourself three times per week. These instances could be as minor as telling your partner that you want to go to dinner at a specific restaurant, rather than deferring to your partner’s choice.
- Have a "stick with it" attitude. Decide that even if you have a setback, you're going to keep trying, whether the goal in question is keeping a job, finishing a project, managing your finances, and so on.
- See failures as learning opportunities. Failures are simply temporary setbacks full of lessons for us to learn.
2
Make yourself strong against negativity. Negativity can come at you in different ways: it can be from within, in the form of negative thoughts and harmful self-talk, or from the outside, as negative feedback or abuse from other people. While it is beyond a person's control to ever fully remove negativity from her life, there are ways to manage it.
- Manage negative thoughts by learning to identify and challenge them. Learn more by reading Deal with Negative Thoughts.
- While you may be able to minimize your contact with negative or toxic people — you may even be able to excise them from your life entirely — sometimes these people are family members, coworkers, or other people you must interact with. Instead of taking their negativity to heart, you can learn how to not engage and set boundaries with that person. This wikiHow article, How to Deal with Negative People, is a fantastic resource to teach you how to do this.
3
Use positive self-talk to build your mental and emotional strength.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Positive daily affirmations can help you develop your mental and emotional strength. Take a few moments every day to look at yourself in the mirror and say something encouraging to yourself. You can either say something that you believe about yourself or something that you would like to believe about yourself.^{[14]
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Research source} Some examples of positive affirmations include:
- "I am working on being emotionally strong every day."
- "I am learning more productive ways to manage my stress and be kind to myself."
- "I know that if I take little steps towards this goal every day, I will feel more emotionally and mentally strong."
4
Learn to stay calm under pressure. When a situation starts to escalate and you can feel your emotions threatening to boil over. When you contain yourself a bit instead of being impulsive and reactive, you have more time to weigh your options and figure out the wisest way forward.
- Taking time to count to 10 sounds like a cliché, but it really works. Before you have an emotional reaction to something, pause, take a deep breath, and think it through.^{[15]
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- Practicing meditation may be helpful in helping you remain calm, as it teaches you to be more objective about your emotions and thoughts. Instead of reacting, you are able to look at thoughts and emotions and say, "Okay, I'm feeling really frustrated right now," and then figure out how what to do next.^{[16]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
  Go to source}
5
Let go of the little things. If you're sensitive to the small annoyances and verbal barbs we all encounter on a daily basis, you will end up devoting time and energy to things that, ultimately, don't matter. When you dwell on these little things and give them your attention or treat them as a major hassle, you not only increase your stress, but you may be increasing your mortality risk.^{[17]
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Research source} Learning to adjust your attitude so that you take those small, everyday stresses in stride will help keep your stress hormone (cortisol) under control, protecting you from things like lower immune function, increased blood pressure and cholesterol, and an increased risk of heart disease.^{[18]
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- Instead of stressing out, develop the healthy habit of thinking about what's bothering you, calming down, and deciding the best, healthiest, most productive way of dealing with it.
- For instance, if your husband always forgets to put the cap on the toothpaste, realize that it might not be as important to him as it is to you. You can choose how to deal with the situation — put the cap on the toothpaste yourself and think about all the other ways your husband contributes in the house, or put a (nice) note on the wall as a gentle reminder.
- Be aware of perfectionism, which may cause you to have extremely high and often unrealistic expectations of yourself and how your day goes, often forgetting to factor in the many things that affect your day that are beyond your control.
- Try a visualization exercise to let go of little things that are bothering you. Hold a small stone in your hand and imagine that it contains the thing that is bothering you. Concentrate on that negative thing and squeeze the rock very tightly. Then, when you are ready, throw the rock away. Toss it into a pond or far into a field. As you do so, imagine that you are also casting away this thing and all of the negative feelings that you have along with it.^{[19]
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6
Change your perspective. If you tend to get wrapped up in your own problems, find ways to get a different perspective on your life and all its possibilities. Everyone hits a dead-end from time to time; those who have emotional and mental strength are able to find another way to get where they're going. If you're having trouble getting out of your own head, try these techniques:
- Read more. Reading the news or a novel lets you enter into others' worlds, serving as a good reminder that the world is a big place and your problems are but a drop in the bucket.
- Volunteer. Interact with people who need your help. Some studies have shown that volunteering has a wide range of benefits for your mental and physical health.^{[20]
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- Listen to a friend. Hear out someone who really needs your advice. Put yourself in that person's shoes and give the best, most genuine advice you have.
- Travel. Getting out of your comfort zone can really help you get perspective on your situation. Go somewhere new, even if it's just a few towns over.
7
Have a positive outlook. Mentally and emotionally strong people tend not to complain very much. They have as many troubles as everyone else, but they take them in stride and see the bigger picture. Being positive about what's going well in your life, and about the possibilities the future holds, will provide you with more mental and emotional strength to tackle difficult situations. Some studies have even shown that having a positive outlook can benefit your physical health as well.
- Let yourself be in the moment during happy times. Try to enjoy your family, friends, pets, and so on as much as possible.
- Look for the positive in difficult situations. There is always something to be learned.
8
Be honest with yourself. Being able to face reality might be the biggest sign of a person's emotional and mental strength. If you're going to overcome an obstacle, you need to be able to take it head-on. Lying to yourself about what's going on will only end up hurting you in the end.^{[21]
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- If you have escapist tendencies, like watching too much TV as a way to avoid your problems, recognize your bad habits and work to overcome them.
- Be honest with yourself about your challenges.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Dealing With Life Situations

1
Think before you act. When you're faced with a difficult situation, take as long as you need to think it through before you react or make a decision. This gives you time to get your emotions under control and weigh your options, and it's mandatory no matter what situation you're dealing with.^{[22]
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- If you can, take time to evaluate the situation, writing down how you are feeling.^{[23]
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  Research source} Try to identify at least one positive thing about the situation, no matter how small.^{[24]
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  Research source} Changing your thinking in this minor way can make a huge difference.
- Remember to take at least 10 seconds to let something set in before you speak. Even if your girlfriend just told you she wants to break up, you can spare 10 seconds to compose yourself before you respond. In the end, you'll be glad you did.
2
Examine all angles. In your composed state, before you decide what to do, think clearly about the situation at hand. What exactly happened? What are the possible paths that could be taken? There's always more than one way to handle a problem.
- Let's say a friend has asked you to participate in illegal activity, and you're not sure how to choose between staying loyal to your friend and obeying the law. Weigh the pros and cons of both courses you could take. Is your friend really a friend if he's asking you to break the law? Or is the law standing in the way of true justice?
3
Determine the right path and take it. Use your conscience as your guide. Research has shown that people who make decisions based on what their instincts tell them to do tend to be more satisfied with their decisions than people who carefully weigh them out.^{[25]
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Research source} Sometimes the answer will be clear, and sometimes it will be extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do. Don't let the problem fester and get out of hand; make a decision and go for it.
- Consult with others you trust. It's completely fine to ask others' opinions if you're not sure what course to take. Just don't let them sway you into doing the wrong thing.
- Think about what someone you admire would do. It should be someone who is level-headed, honest and good-hearted. What would that person do?
- Ultimately, you will need to take responsibility for your actions. Make the best decision you can make — something you can live with.
4
Reflect on your experiences. After you encounter a difficult situation, consider what happened, how you handled it, and how it all turned out. Are you proud of how you behaved? Is there something you would do differently if you could? Try to learn as much as you can from your experiences. Wisdom is only gained through this type of practice. Examining what happened, rather than just trying to put it out of your head, will help you know what to do next time you face a challenge.^{[26]
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- If things didn't turn out as planned, that's okay. Remind yourself that things don't always go smoothly and that you won't always get exactly what you want; this is true for everyone, no matter how fantastic their life may appear.^{[27]
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