How to Talk to Children

Co-authored by Julie Wright, MFT and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

At times, talking to kids can feel like learning a foreign language. Unfortunately, there’s no handy phrasebook or translation app that can make you sound friendly, encouraging, and firm all at the same time. Don’t worry. We’ve put together plenty of conversational tips, tricks, and ideas, so you can have an open and honest chat with any kids in your life.

1

Sit or kneel at their level.

Lowering yourself makes you a lot more approachable. Even if you’re keeping things light and friendly, a child might feel intimidated if you’re towering over them. Instead, grab a seat or take a knee near the child, so they don’t have to look up at you. This can help take the edge off your conversation.^{[1]
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2

Chat about relatable topics.

Kids love talking about their interests and preferences. As far as conversations go, asking about favorites is a pretty safe go-to topic. You might ask about their favorite singer, or what TV shows they like to watch. You could even ask about their favorite animal, or compare favorite colors.^{[2]
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- Pets are another safe, easy topic. You could ask if they have a dog or cat at home, and what its name is.

3

Ask for help or advice.

Children love to solve “adult” problems. Share a light-hearted, not-too-serious problem you’ve run into during your daily routine. Maybe you have trouble heading to bed at a good time, or you can never find your car keys before heading to work. The child will love a chance to figure out a solution to your problem, whether it’s big or small.^{[3]
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- You might say, “I don’t know what to get my friend for his birthday. Can you help me pick out a gift?” or “I was going to watch a movie this weekend, but I’m so indecisive. What do you think I should watch?”

4

Offer genuine, encouraging compliments.

Focus on a child’s effort and character, not something superficial. Superficial compliments, like “Your hair looks so cute” or “I love your shirt” are nice, but they aren’t very long-lasting. Instead, focus on something the child is actively doing. Specific compliments make a much bigger impact and will help you connect more easily with kids.^{[4]
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- For instance, compliments like “I love the way you draw horses” “You’re looking really strong on those roller skates” and “That was so kind of you to share your snack with your brother” are a lot more genuine than “Your eyes are such a pretty color!” or “Your family is so huge.”

5

Ask open-ended questions.

Yes or no questions won’t get you super far in a conversation. Instead, invite the child to go into lots of detail about what they’re thinking and feeling. Before asking a question, play it over in your head first—if the child could answer it in 1 or 2 words, try restructuring the question instead.^{[5]
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- “What was your favorite part of school today?” is a much better question than “Did you have a good day at school?”

6

Express lots of interest.

Small, encouraging comments let a child know that you’re listening. As the kid shares their story, look engaged and interested throughout the conversation. Phrases like “That’s so interesting” or “Please go on” let the child know that their time is valued and that you care about what they have to say.^{[6]
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- “Tell me more about that” or “No way. I don’t believe it!” are great ways to express interest.

7

Pay attention to body language.

A kid might claim to be “fine,” while their body language tells a different story. Instead of being cheerful and relaxed, they might mask emotions with their body language, like crossing their arms or hunching their shoulders. Factor in both their words and movements, so you have a more well-rounded view of what the child is trying to say.^{[7]
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- For example, if a child says they had a good day at school but refuses to make eye contact, you might assume that something went wrong.

8

Let the child speak without interrupting.

Interrupting will only shut down your conversation. Think of it this way—if you were sharing a really exciting story with a friend, would you want them to interrupt and talk over you? The same principle applies to kids, too. Give children plenty of time to share what’s on their mind, even if they’re having some trouble coming up with the right words. Once they’ve finished sharing, feel free to reply and comment on whatever they shared.^{[8]
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9

Listen instead of offering solutions.

Sometimes, kids just want a listening ear. If a child is venting about their day, let them finish their story instead of rushing to solve their problem. While your intentions are good, it’s important that the child feels heard and understood, and not like an item on a to-do list.^{[9]
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10

Call your child by their name.

This is a great way to get your child’s attention. Little kids can’t focus on too many things at once. Saying your child’s name helps them focus on you and your voice, instead of what’s going on around them. Instead of saying “hey” or “hey you,” try calling their name instead—you might notice a difference!^{[10]
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- You might say, “Luke, please pick up your toys before lunch” or “Jamie, grab your sweater before we head outside.”
- If the child is distracted, say their name until they’re focused on you. Then, say what’s on your mind.

11

Speak in a serious tone.

A wishy-washy tone leads to a wishy-washy conversation. Kids hear more than just your words—they also hear how you say things. If you don’t sound serious, you probably won’t be taken seriously. Instead, strike a balance between gentleness and firmness, so the child understands that you aren’t angry, but also aren’t a pushover.^{[11]
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- “Could you please put away your clothes before dinner?” is a lot firmer and direct than “Would you mind putting your clothes away sometime today?”

12

Talk at a normal volume when you discipline your child.

Yelling doesn’t achieve very much, even if the child is yelling as well. The more you shout, the more the child will learn to tune out your voice. Instead, speak calmly and respectfully in front of the child, so they understand that you’re serious.^{[12]
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- For instance, instead of yelling “Get dressed for school!” from the kitchen, you might knock on your child’s bedroom door and say, “The bus will be here in less than an hour. Could you start getting dressed for school?”

13

Choose positive words when speaking to your child.

Negative language won’t resonate well with your child. Instead of saying what not to do, focus on what your child should be doing instead. Positive, encouraging language helps foster self-confidence, and will inspire kids to build better habits in the future.^{[13]
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- Instead of saying “No playing in the kitchen,” you might say, “Go play in the living room where all your toys are.”
- “I’m proud of you for sharing your toys” is much more positive and encouraging than “You shouldn’t be selfish.”

14

Simplify the lectures you give your children.

Long lectures don’t accomplish much in the long run. Instead of nagging and complaining about a certain task or chore, try simplifying your request to a single word. Your child will get the message without feeling belittled or patronized in the process.^{[14]
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- You might say, “Clara, the cat!” instead of saying “You were supposed to clean the litter box yesterday, and it’s still not done.”
- You could say, “Kids, backpacks!” instead of saying, “I told you to pack your bags 5 minutes ago.”

15

Offer lots of options to appease your child.

Some kids don’t respond well to orders. Instead, break a task or command into a fun “this or that” scenario. Your child will be happier to play along when they feel in control of their decisions and routine.^{[15]
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- Instead of telling your child to pack their lunch, ask if they’d like a PB&J or a ham cheese.
- Instead of asking your child to get dressed, give them different outfit options for the day.
- Sometimes, there might not be any viable options to offer. That’s okay! Just offer alternatives when you can.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What kinds of things do older kids like to talk about?

Julie Wright, MFT
Parenting & Baby Sleep Specialist
Julie Wright is a Marriage and Family Therapist and the co-founder of The Happy Sleeper, which offers sleep consulting and online baby sleep classes. Julie is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in babies, children, and their parents, and the co-author of two best selling parenting books (The Happy Sleeper and Now Say This) published by Penguin Random House. She created the popular Wright Mommy, Daddy and Me program in Los Angeles, California, which provides support and learning for new parents. Julie's work has been mentioned in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and NPR. Julie received her training at the Cedars Sinai Early Childhood Center.

Julie Wright, MFT

Parenting & Baby Sleep Specialist

Expert Answer

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Older children like to talk about many different things. Try talking about your days. That could include what you did that day or even what you're going to do the next day.