How to Stop Pushing Your Boyfriend Away

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: February 25, 2022 References

Relationships can be hard to navigate, even when you both care for one another a lot. If you think you might be pushing your boyfriend away, the next steps are figuring out how and why you’re doing it so that you can make a plan to bridge the gap. People push loved ones away—often without even knowing it—for many reasons, including personal insecurities and issues with past partners.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} Here, we’ll help you figure out how you can stop pushing your boyfriend away and start a new, happier chapter with him instead.

1

Reflect on how you react to your boyfriend.

Practice self-awareness and identify bad habits. Pushing people away isn’t always a decision but rather a defense mechanism that you use to fend off stress.^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} Pay attention to your interactions with your boyfriend, and figure out which emotional triggers cause you to push him away. Once you know how and why you’re alienating him, you can change how you interact with him.
- Think about the conversations and actions that caused your defense mechanisms to kick in. Did he do something to upset you, or say something you didn’t like? At what point did you start to distance yourself?
- Knowing which triggers make you push your partner away will also tell you why you’re pushing him away.
- For example, maybe bad memories of an old relationship are causing you to be distant, or maybe you don’t like conflict. Be honest with yourself as you figure out what bothers you.

2

Figure out what you want from the relationship.

Having a busy life can easily make a partner feel pushed away. Think about what you want, and whether you really want to be with your boyfriend. If you do, is there a way for you to set more time aside for him? If you focus more on work and other obligations than him, decide if it's because you need to, or because you’re subconsciously trying to push him away.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- If you find yourself working or distracted most of the time, you may have to prioritize spending time with him to keep the relationship going.
- It’s okay if you think the situation over and decide that you don’t want to be with your boyfriend. If he’s not the right one for you, it’s better to know that now.

3

Express gratitude to your boyfriend.

Constant criticism drives a wedge in relationships. How much of what you say to him is positive or neutral, and how much is negative? If you notice most of your conversations have a negative tone, then start thinking about why you’re grateful for your boyfriend instead. Take note of his qualities that you appreciate, and make an effort to communicate your appreciation to him regularly.
- If you consistently express disappointment in your boyfriend or criticize him, it will cause him to feel inadequate—and he’ll likely think you’re pushing him away.^{[5]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- When you have a genuine issue, you should tell him! Try to make requests rather than complaints.
- For example, “Quit being lazy! You never wash the dishes,” could turn into, “I’ve been washing the dishes a lot. Could we work out a schedule so that we’re splitting the work more evenly?”

4

Build trust in your boyfriend and your judgement.

Trust is the key to a healthy relationship. Old wounds and insecurities can cause you to second-guess yourself and the relationship, even when your boyfriend assures you he’s content.^{[6]
X
Research source} To set your mind at ease, think about his behavior. Does he follow through on promises? Is he honest and reliable? If the answer is “yes,” then you’ll know he’s a trustworthy person.
- Trust issues are common, especially if a past partner has betrayed you somehow.
- You can’t turn on the ability to trust overnight. However, if your boyfriend has never given you a reason to doubt him, then make an effort to trust and rely on him more as the relationship continues.

5

Forgive and move forward.

Relationships can fall apart when a past hurt goes unresolved. For example, you might have trouble forgiving yourself for causing tension in the relationship. On the other hand, maybe you haven’t forgiven your boyfriend for something he did to hurt you.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} If you feel guilty because of something you did, then apologize sincerely and empathetically to your boyfriend. Then, you can focus on forgiving yourself.
- A good apology recognizes what you did wrong, how it made the other person feel, and what you should have done differently. Once you have fully apologized for a mistake, there is nothing else to do but forgive yourself and move on.
- When your boyfriend makes a mistake and hurts you, decide if forgiveness is something you're ready to give. If the answer is “yes,” then forgive him so that you can put the problem behind you for good.

6

Open up to your boyfriend.

Every healthy relationship relies on good communication. Once you know why you’re pushing your boyfriend away and what you want out of the relationship, it’s time to talk to him about it. Explain to him why you’ve been pushing him away, whatever the cause. Then, tell him how you plan to address those issues, and what you need from him to find a solution.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- For example, you could say, “I’ve been afraid of having a partner disagree with me, but I’m working on being honest when something is bothering me now.”
- Another example could be, “Things ended badly with my ex, and it’s made me wary of getting close to people. I’m going to start communicating more and fight the urge to push you away when we’re being vulnerable with one another.”
- If a conversation triggers an emotional response from you, you can tell him. “This conversation is bringing up bad memories, and I feel anxious.”

7

Be prepared for conflict.

Many people push loved ones away because they’re afraid of conflict. However, disagreeing with your boyfriend at some point is more or less inevitable. When your partner has an argument or important complaint, acknowledge him and work with him to address the issue, because ignoring it for fear of conflict will make him feel neglected.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Similarly, if you have a problem, it’s better to speak up than pretend that everything is okay. Avoidance won't solve the problem; instead, it will build until it becomes unbearable.
- Disagreements between you and your boyfriend are nothing to be afraid of because you can have conflicting perspectives while still showing one another respect and love.

8

Respect your boyfriend’s boundaries.

Your boyfriend will appreciate you giving him space when he asks. Sometimes, insecurity and anxiety can translate as neediness, which may make your boyfriend feel overwhelmed.^{[10]
X
Research source} Give him space, and talk to him about how much space he needs if you’re not sure. Show respect for his boundaries, and he’ll stop feeling the need to distance himself from you.
- Your needs matter too. If you feel like you don’t have enough quality time with him, tell him. Work out a compromise so that you’re both happy with the boundaries you set.

9

Set boundaries for yourself.

Know your limits so that you don’t push yourself too far or too quickly. Learning how to stop pushing your boyfriend away will expand your usual comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean you should put unreasonable expectations on yourself to get there. When you feel uneasy or too vulnerable, it’s okay to keep your guard up until you feel better. Figure out what might put you more at ease, and tell your boyfriend about it.^{[11]
X
Research source}^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- Make sure your boyfriend knows your boundaries, too. He shouldn't push you for more than you're willing to give.
- Start small and build from there. For example, if you want to be more open with him, start by sharing little details about your day before gradually bringing up more sensitive or complicated topics.
- Be kind to yourself and remember that acknowledging the problem is a big step in itself.

10

Take your time.

Building a closer and more intimate relationship will happen slowly. Breaking ingrained habits is difficult, and replacing them with new and healthy habits is a process.^{[13]
X
Research source}^{[14]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} Don't be surprised if it takes weeks or even months. Focus on developing a closer relationship with your boyfriend one step at a time, and enjoy the time you spend with him instead of stressing over the future.
- Accept that your relationship isn’t going to change overnight—and that taking all the time you need to rebuild trust and closeness with one another is a good thing.^{[15]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}

11

Talk to a therapist.

A professional can help solve problems you don’t know how to fix alone. Therapists will listen and analyze your thoughts—and they will also help you correct your bad habits so you become more comfortable with emotional intimacy. There’s no shame in getting help, and a professional will have insights and advice that you might not think of by yourself.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- Consider couple's therapy for you and your boyfriend, too. A therapist can coach you through closing the emotional distance between you and being more open with one another.