How to Spot a Narcissist on the First Date

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

Going on a date with a total stranger can feel like a balancing act—you want to have a great time, but you also don’t want to get caught in a narcissist’s web. Don’t worry. Although every narcissist is different, there are plenty of red flags you can keep an eye out for.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} We’ve put together 11 different ways you can spot a potential narcissist on your upcoming date so you can make a safe, informed decision about your future together.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

They plan every detail of the date.

A narcissist always has to be in control. Before the date even starts, they’ve already decided on a time, place, and every detail in between. Sure, some people prefer to plan ahead instead of deciding everything the day of—but narcissists take this sense of control to an extreme.^{[2]
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- A careful planner might try to arrange the date ahead of time, but is ultimately willing to compromise with you on where and when the date will be. A narcissist, on the other hand, has a lot of trouble handing the reins over to another person.
- A narcissist might even order your meal and drink for you, and give the wait staff extra details on how the food needs to be cooked.^{[3]
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  Research source}

2

They’re way overdressed.

Narcissists take their date night attire to a whole new level. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with picking out a fun, stylish outfit when you’re meeting someone for the first time—but narcissists take their outfits to an extreme. You’re dressed in a fashionable but slightly casual ensemble while your date rocks a suit, gown, or another fancy outfit. Narcissists truly take “dress to impress” to a whole new level.^{[4]
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- Ultimately, narcissists want to create a great first impression by dressing up.^{[5]
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  Research source} They also like to be on a pedestal above the people around them, which also explains the need to dress up.^{[6]
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  Research source}

3

They need to have the best of everything.

A narcissist can never settle for anything average or mediocre. Well-known for their sense of entitlement, narcissists automatically expect the best seats, tables, and services. Pay attention to how they act on the date, especially when you arrive at a new locale.^{[7]
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Research source} They might:
- Ask for a new table at the restaurant
- Be picky over seats at the movie theater
- Gripe when they don’t get the perfect parking spot

4

They treat the restaurant staff poorly.

Narcissists are entitled and don’t care about people who are “lower” than them. You might get an uncomfortable front-row seat to their arrogance as they lash out at a waiter or leave a poor tip at the end of the date.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} You might notice that they:
- Complain that their food wasn’t cooked properly
- Ask the wait staff why the food is taking so long
- Be curt and rude to the wait staff whenever they ask for something

5

Their chemistry and charm are overwhelming.

If they seem too good to be true, they probably are. Narcissists are great at controlling the people around them, and won’t have any trouble making you feel comfortable and charmed after your time together.^{[9]
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Research source} Your date might even play the chivalry card by holding the door and grabbing your jacket once you reach your date location.^{[10]
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Research source} They might also:
- Flatter you with compliments
- Offer flirty comments
- Describe how special you are
- Just to be clear—there’s nothing wrong with someone being friendly and flirty on a date. A narcissist, however, will have their charm and flirtiness dialed up to 200%.

6

They love-bomb you on the date.

Narcissists tend to bombard their dates with tons of affection and romance. These types of people approach the dating scene with their foot on the gas pedal, and make an effort to speed up the intensity of your relationship as soon as possible.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} They might say things like:
- “Wow, we might actually be soulmates.”
- “I think I’m in love with you.”
- “I can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with you.”

7

They take over the conversation.

These types of people love to talk about themselves. Maybe you get to share 1 or 2 things about yourself before your date launches into story after story about themselves.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} By the end of the outing, you feel like you’ve learned a lot about your date, but your date has learned very little about you.
- As a general rule of thumb, each person should talk for 20-30 seconds before giving the other person a chance to speak.^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  Go to source} While there are obvious exceptions to this, it’s definitely a red flag if your date consistently dominates the conversation without giving you a chance to get a word in.

8

They fish for compliments.

Narcissists always need to feel loved and appreciated. At their core, narcissists are very insecure and struggle with really low self-esteem. These issues manifest in a need for compliments and constant appreciation.^{[14]
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Research source} Of course, they won’t ask for compliments outright. Instead, they’ll make subtle comments, like:
- “I must look like such a mess. I put this look together in 10 minutes.”
- “I don’t think I’m pulling off this outfit very well.”
- In making these comments, the narcissist is hoping you’ll say something like “No, you look great!” or “No, you’re rocking that outfit!”

9

They brag about themselves frequently.

Narcissists desperately need to be admired and appreciated. Bragging is simply a means of getting that admiration from others, even when they’re on a date. They thrive on your reactions and will do anything to keep that praise and appreciation coming, even if that means bending the truth about their accomplishments.^{[15]
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Research source} They might brag about:
- Where they live
- The school they go/went to
- How much money they make
- Well-known people they’re friends with

10

They’re constantly complaining.

Complaints are just another way for narcissists to stay in the spotlight. Maybe your date complains about how their food is too cold, or how the music in the restaurant is too loud. Complaints are an easy, passive-aggressive way for the narcissist to center the conversation around them and their needs.^{[16]
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Research source} They might say:
- “Wow, I can’t believe we’ve had to wait 10 minutes already.”
- “This line for movie tickets is so long.”
- “I can’t believe the waiter hasn’t stopped by. It’s been 5 minutes!”
- Narcissists don’t have much empathy, and aren’t able to see things from other people’s perspectives.^{[17]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}

11

They don’t seem to have a great relationship history.

Narcissists have trouble settling down with a long-term partner. See if your date chats about their previous partnerships, or what they’re hoping to get out of a new relationship. A typical relationship with a narcissist goes through multiple “cycles” or phases: idealization, where the narcissist jacks up the intensity of the relationship; devaluation, where they treat their partner like a second-class citizen; and discarding, where they either break-up or separate themselves from the relationship. If you’re on a date with a narcissist, they probably don’t have a great, long-term track record with their past partners.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- Most relationships with a narcissist follow this cycle. In some cases, the narcissist will go back to the “idealization” phase to get their partner hooked back into the relationship.
- Keep in mind that getting out of a short relationship doesn’t automatically make someone a narcissist. There are lots of reasons a relationship can go south—what you’re looking for is a pattern of negative behavior.

Warnings

Many narcissists display toxic behavior over time in a relationship.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} You might not notice all of the possible warning signs right away.

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