How to Sit Shiva

Last Updated: November 7, 2020 References Approved

Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning observed the first week after the funeral of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. From the time of death until the conclusion of the funeral, the primary focus and concern is on the care of the deceased and the burial preparations. Once shiva begins, the focus shifts to the mourners with family and friends giving love, support and attention to their needs. Judaism teaches us that we should be there to comfort and console.^{[1]
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Steps

1
Understand what it means to sit shiva. “Sitting shiva," is an emotionally and spiritually healing time where the mourners may dwell together and have friends and loved ones come to support them with short visits when they "make a shiva call."^{[2]
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Research source} The home of a direct mourner is said to be filled with the spirit of the loved one who is now gone. Memories will come easily there, and part of the comfort of shiva is remembering the deceased by sharing stories of his or her life with friends and family. It is considered a great mitzvah (act of kindness) to visit someone "sitting shiva. "
2
Sit shiva after the funeral. The word "Shiva" in English, translates as "Seven". The Shiva period is traditionally 7 days, beginning the day of the funeral and running through the morning of the seventh day. Many Jewish families, however, opt to sit shiva for a lesser number of days.

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3
Provide food for mourners. After returning home from the funeral, the mourners eat a traditional "meal of condolence" - traditionally round foods symbolic of the need for life to go on. "Shiva food" is provided by relatives, friends and neighbors. It is a mitzvah for visitors to send prepared food to mourners, to assure there is plenty to eat as observant mourners may not cook or prepare food using heat. If the family observes traditional Jewish dietary laws only kosher foods should be sent.^{[3]
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4
Follow Jewish customs at a shiva house. In a traditional Jewish house of mourning; mirrors are covered, leather shoes are not worn, the immediate family does not cut their hair, shave, engage in marital relations, listen to music or watch television or partake in anything that can be construed as joyous. Immediate family members sit on low, uncomfortable stools. Grief is traditionally expressed by tearing one's clothing. Alternatively, mourners may choose to wear a small black ribbon that is cut by the Rabbi for a period of 30 days. A Jewish memorial candle may be lit and remain burning publicly 24 hours a day for the entire week. The candle, reminds us that our loved one's soul is eternal.^{[4]
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5
Perform daily prayer services at the shiva house. Jewish prayers services may be held daily at the home. This is a good time to "make a shiva call" and non-Jews are welcomed to participate.
6
End sitting shiva properly. The last day of shiva is observed for just a few hours and the following may be recited:
- No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an eternal light for you, and your days of mourning shall end. (Isaiah 60:20)
- When shiva is over, mourners may take a short walk around the block, to symbolize their return to society.^{[5]
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Community Q&A

Question

What food should I prepare for Shiva?

Community Answer

Appropriate food items found within a shiva basket include baked goods and desserts, fruit, dried fruit, & nuts, and assorted chocolates.
Question

What time of day is best to visit someone sitting shiva, and can gift food be purchased from a regular store, and should the visitor approach the mourner or just take a seat?

Community Answer

The time to visit is entirely up to the mourners of the home. There may or may not be allotted times to make a shiva call, so best to call someone who knows. It is important for some that you do not knock on the door or ring the doorbell. Approaching the mourner may not be encouraged in some families, but in others it is, but it is very important that you don't say 'good morning/afternoon' to them and allow them to start the conversation, as they may not be in the mood to talk.
Question

Can someone who isn't Jewish take flowers to a Shiva home?

Sam Stanley

Community Answer

Yes. Just check to make sure the family hasn't requested that something in particular be done in lieu of flowers. It is a relatively common practice to ask that instead of flowers, you make a donation to a charity that mattered to the deceased.

Warnings

Be sensitive to the mourner's feelings. Silence is often appreciated, but simply being present will be meaningful.

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